Feeling a little lost in my Marriage


#1

Ok, so I don’t really know where else to turn. I have been married a year now, to my husband. My concerns predominately lack from his ability to understand limits, especially with drinking.

He was on a business trip for training for 2 weeks, and it just happened to be during our wedding anniversary. He decided to go out on the night before our anniversary and get drunk and stay out until 2 am, even though I told him this was not appropriate and it made me uncomfortable. The arguments started there, and lasted three days, with some very harsh words (that he envied other people’s wives, and that I was crazy, to name a few). We have worked through it, but the truth is, I’m scared. It’s the same argument we have had a million times before, and he really doesn’t see anything wrong with what he is doing. It doesn’t matter that it hurts me, it doesn’t matter if this is a business environment. I’m trying to get through it, without breaking down again, but the truth is, I’m feeling lost. I tried contacting the Deacon at our church, who we are close with to see if I could sit down with him and discuss my concerns and possibly get references for a Catholic Therapist. When I told my husband this, he exploded.
I can’t talk to my friends, because my husband doesn’t like that, and now today, when I went online to look for a therapist for me to go to alone or with him, he was angry/hurt again.

After all that, he decided to go out drinking again tonight. I really don’t know what to do. I have prayed on this, and honestly, I am feeling pretty alone and lost right now. He has an addictive personality and has had issues in the past with drinking and drugs. He accepts that he used to have a problem but sees nothing wrong with his behavior now. We are young (26 and 28) but we want to start our family very soon and I just, I don’t know what to do. I appreciate any wisdom


#2

Ma’am-I am so sorry for this. It’s heartbreaking to hear someone not treat their marriage as the most important thing in their life, which it clearly is.

Sometimes it’s very hard to BE married, because we see the worst in people. They say things they shouldn’t and even though they apologize, it’s still said. It’s like putting up a painting-put a nail in the wall…than change your mind. Plaster it if you want too, but there is still a hole. We need to be careful with what we say.

The drinking issue bothers me. I can’t, nor can any of us-say wether or not he has a problem. If he does, than you have only one option-tell him to get sober, or your leaving. That kind of tough love is so important.

I’m praying for both of you.


#3

Get counseling, now. If he won’t go with you then go alone.

There is a corporate culture that is all about drinking when away on trips. I worked in that world. LOTS of extramarital sex happens on those binges.

Were there good people who stayed true on those trips? Yes, but they were the people who stayed away from the hard party group, and put their spouses first.


#4

Um, this might be, but we have no right to even bring this up right now. Address the issues she mentioned.


#5

I mostly agree with kage_ar.
You should get counseling now and not wait. You can go there by yourself or with him.
Just don't wait until the problems get even bigger.

I'll be praying for you.


#6

Do not start your family until you have this issue under control.

A baby won’t fix this kind of personality. He will not hold it necessarily and change into The Perfect Man. That only happens in movies.

Go to Al-Anon.

His verbal abuse of you is not the right way to communicate. Words are often worse than physical blows and the bruises stay in the brain forever.

RascalKing, the point about the way people behave on these trips is valid. And sometimes when men become inexplicably angry at a spouse all of a sudden it’s an indication they have strayed. They feel guilty and project their anger on the innocent spouse. It IS something she needs to keep in the back of her head for her own physical health. SHE told us he doesn’t handle limits well. My experience is that many people with one behavior issue often have the same set of others that go along with it. It becomes a cliche.

He obviously is still living in bachelor mode. And that is why they have the same fight over and over.

To the OP, pray, get counseling with Al-Anon and really consider whether the man you dated is the man you have now, or if you overlooked his addiction in a desire to marry and thought the vows would change him. Vows aren’t magic.

So soon after the wedding for the honeymoon to be over? I understand how you feel lost and alone. I’m sorry about it. Don’t let his abuse prevent YOU from getting help.


#7

And his anger and hurt about you seeking counselling are all about HIS public image. Which is more important to him than your private pain. It’s a flashing warning light for me…


#8

I can feel your pain and heartache in your typed words and I am so so sorry! Addiction is a terrible disease. Unfortunately, you will be unable to stop your husband from drinking, only HE can do that.

What you can do is not be a victim or an enabler. And I know this is going to be TOUGH but you have to leave him until he comes to his senses!

I really am not an insensitive person. Your husband will “wake-up” to reality alot faster if he doesn’t have someone to lean on during and after his jags of drunken behavior. HE has to decide…He HAS to decide…

Please keep writing I am truely concerned for your state of mind!

God bless you!


#9

I respectfully, but firmly, disagree. (Jeez, today is my day for disagreements–:wink: )

I think even bringing it up is just a bad idea. It’s because marriage vows to me are like Holy Orders.Would we accuse or even bring up a priest violating his vows? We wouldn’t accuse anyone-even bring it up-without a proof beyond a reasonable doubt, just because it’s such a serious charge.

Just to make it clear, I think there is a serious problem here that needs to be addressed, but that doesn’t give us carte blanche to bring up things that might not be there.


#10

RK, you were a little wrong on another post from a woman whose husband was playing games. Let’s just say that certain behavior patterns seem to follow each other and hiding one’s head in the sand or waiting till one has iron-clad proof don’t always help. Sometimes a woman never really has that till he admits that her accusations were correct and he was lying to her all along.

To YOU, marriage vows are like holy orders. To this woman’s husband, he’s already missed their first anniversary, spent it with other people getting drunk and violated his vow to love, honor and cherish her.

Her first anniversary memory will forever be him saying he envied other men’s wives and that she is crazy.

I’ve been called crazy by a husband. It went with a whole slew of other bad behaviors. Infidelity might not be there. But if it is, SHE is at terrible risk. And he’s already negating her feelings and instincts and demeaning her. She doesn’t feel she has anyone to go to because his public image is so important. It’s all eerily familiar.

Just because YOU would never be unfaithful doesn’t mean there aren’t a lot of men out there who have few limits on their behavior. His anger at her this early in the marriage is a big red flag.

It’s so unsettled now and he has broken a certain level of trust in her. I repeat, this is NOT a time to even contemplate having children. Unless you want them to be the kind of kids who learn at an early age to avoid daddy’s drunken rages.


#11

Rascal, the signs are there. If you have red pimples on your trunk, a low grade fever and itching, I’m gonna say “you may have chicken pox”.

Women, sadly, can be very blind to affairs. I’d tell my sister the same thing.


#12

Please be aware when I say leave, I do NOT mean divorce. Give him time alone so he can think over what he is doing. AND to get a feeling for what life is being alone and in and out of drunkedness Alone…

All the advice about counseling for yourself, I whole heartedly agree! He will not agree to counseling because intuitively he knows what the answer is, if he does not go, then he can remain in denial…

Pray for him! And I too, will pray for you both!!!


#13

Very well said, and I agree in part, disagree in part. Now is NOT the time to have children, couldn’t agree with you more. She is at risk, and needs help, he does as well. Yes, yes, yes.

I still think you need much more proof to even bring up the accusation of infidelity. I’m sorry, I admit I could be wrong, but it’s just such a serious charge. If someone accused me of cheating on my wife (I’m single) I would be devastated-the blow to my integrity would be huge.

Since so many people disagree with me, I openly admit I could be wrong. Still though, it’s a huge issue-I find it so, so, so serious.


#14

I’ve never had chicken pox before, so I’d run to the doctor with that one.

No, the signs aren’t there from what we’ve read in the post. You need way more evidence to make the conclusion.

I just don’t think it’s right. I never said he was a prince.


#15

very hard to know what to do. i, a man, have struggled wih addiction for decades. one of the best things i can say about my wife is, she knew that i had a problem and prayed for me, but she rarely beat me over the head with it. of course, it sounds like the difference between me and your husband is, i knew i was doing wrong. after many years of struggling with the addiction, i have beaten it (i hope, i pray).

i think the best you can do is:

pray hard
pray with your husband (the rosary)
encourage him to go to church and get involved
fight the urge to be combative with him


#16

RK, the signs are there. For those who have learned to read them. Now, those signs could point to a variety of things. But one of them IS the possibility that his drinking and anger and “grass is greener” attitude (already comparing her negatively to what other men have?) and his anger at HER are indicative of a man who is guilty of something and is projecting on his wife. (Like a husband in another post who decided his wife was too religious and began to blame NFP for things when he was having an affair.)

Let’s put it this way… if he was a devoted man who told her she was a treasure and he was sober and took her out for their first anniversary and they drank champagne and he told her she was the most perfect wife in the world and it was time to start a family, adultery would NOT be the first thing I’d accuse him of.

When a man gets drunk, he’s sheepish the morning after, maybe apologetic… not calling his wife crazy. There’s more iceberg under the water here… whether his lack of limits ONLY pertains to substance abuse and verbal abuse, or whether he’s violated more vows… only his wife can know. I’m not telling her to accuse him outright. I’m saying she needs to be watchful and see if there are other signs. He hasn’t earned much trust at this point.


#17

Praying together is the BEST thing.

One easy way to pray together - even when he is on the road - is to start with Night Prayer and work to add in more of the Liturgy of the Hours.

www.divineoffice.org


#18

We are young (26 and 28) but we want to start our family very soon and I just, I don’t know what to do. I appreciate any wisdom

your husband’s repeated behavior would meet the most rigid standards of “serious reason” for avoiding pregnancy using NFP. i agree with Lib, please don’t start your family yet. there’s a LOT of work to do here and you haven’t any idea if your husband will be successful at sobriety and anger management.

OP, talk to your priest and go to al-anon. get a sponsor there and get a counselor. your husband is already telling you you’re crazy and that other wives are better. you’re already in trouble, perhaps headed for worse.

your husband sounds like an alcoholic with serious (and perhaps dangerous) anger issues. i know alcoholics pretty well. i’ve sat at meetings with them every week for the last 26 years. i know them because i am one (sober 25 years). untreated alcoholism (cold-turky, without any help quitting IS untreated alcoholism) is a progressive disease where everyone in the family becomes more progressively diseased.

unless you find a solution.

you can find a solution for you that doesn’t necessarilly include your husband’s sobriety. i’ve known a good many spouses who have managed to regain sanity and trust in God while their partner drinks himself/ herself into oblivion.

go to al-anon. talk to your priest. get a counselor.

you wont be able to make your husband sober or gentle but you can take care of your human dignity and personal safety. please please please do.

as for adultery on drunken business trips, RKing, I’ve this to assert: drunkennes, esp. in out-of-town party situations IS an occasion to sin.

and usually the sins committed while road-trp drinking do not include not tax evasion, and stealing bicycles. they usually include the usual suspects: missing mass, adultery, taking God’s name in vain in every manner including blaspheme. etc.


#19

My DH and I had a bit of a rocky start to our marriage. In fact I think the first year was the hardest. He used to drink sometimes excessively according to my standards, but he did not think it was excessive at all. We had several arguments on this topic during the first year. It took time for him to settle into married life and to give up his bachelor habits. What worked for us was to decide ahead of time how many drinks he was going to drink in a night. For example, we went to a friend’s wedding together and I asked him how many drinks he was going to have on the way there. We agreed on a number for him and a number for me. The hard part is not coming off as “controlling.” I think the key is communication. Communicate about what you both think is appropriate behavior for a spouse and communicate when you’re disappointed about each other’s behavior. Eventually my DH settled down and drinking is almost never an issue for us anymore.


#20

I would recommend that you look into some AA material. Your husband should not act in a way that harms you, physically or emotionally. If you find that you are being sucked into arguing about common sense issues, ie not getting drunk the night before your anniversary, than there is a chance that some AA or Al-Anon principles would work really well. I’m not saying that your husband is an alcoholic, just that it would be prudent to look to the experts for some advice. Here’s a great site:

12-step-review.org/index.html


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