I don’t get it! Through-out the last ~8+ years of my life I’ve ‘toyed’ with idea of a religious life around 4 times. Or rather it feels like someone has toyed me with it… The first time I joked about with my cousin as a crazy thought , the second time I mentioned it seriously to a family member then down played it, the third time I got to know a priest I trusted, set up a meeting which I promptly avoided and now… Here it is again a nagging feeling and/or thought “Hey, so how about it? Give your whole being to God?”
I don’t understand it. It’s honestly a little annoying because it’s distracting. I’m just trying to get through medical school! I need to keep focused, sheesh.
What in my right-mind would make me feel like being a priest/religious? Who in their right mind would accept me? How could this even be? I really am not worthy enough nor holy enough. But, there it is again. The pull. Number 4 by my count.
Every time it comes I ponder it, want it, scared by it, look for reasons to discard it and then run away. That was my cycle.
This time I looked for reasons for why it can’t be. Roadblocks would be a clear sign from God. I searched through Cannon law, google this, google that. On and on. I can’t find any truly permanent ones.
So I decide “Ok, so no roadblocks but surely they won’t have any sort of capacity here to deal with me.” I found a place in my country. I found an email address and a phone number. Sent an email, figured "Maybe they won’t even see it. I’m sure they’re busy. Heck it might be a dead email address anyhow, they usually are. " They saw it. The same day. I was presented quite a quandary. Balls in my court! I figured I’d just drop it but instead asked the Holy Spirit for help, called, made my way to their HQ and established first contact.
I don’t know. Through out all my foot dragging, looking for reasons not to, I can’t shake it. I can find 101 reasons to say no. On the other hand, the reason to start looking into it trumps, Thy will be done. Not my will. His. So far I’ve just focused on the ’ why nots’, I have ‘why yes’s’ too, which I’ll focus on with them. But I’m not willing to go through life anymore with the ‘what ifs’.
I have another meeting next week. Today I was nervous, doubtful of myself, happy, peaceful and in awe that I actually talked to someone .
I broke my cycle this time. I’ve made a series of serious changes and commitments in my life over this past year which helped me. I’m still “battling” with myself less now] trying to convince myself to just turn away but I’ve done that, it doesn’t quiet the feeling or the voice and frankly, things go poorly afterwords. Hound of Heaven [good poem] does not take kindly to fleeing. Or as they say “you can run but you can’t hide”. Not for lack of trying!
I feel nagged and tired of the footsteps. No more ignoring them.
It’s a process, I know. Life’s a process. I have plenty of time to learn/discern and I’m just grateful I was granted the courage so that I’m in the process now.
This is meant to be read in a light-hearted manner, not as in wieghtless but rather maybe a little irony, acceptance and surrender. It’s far too long I’m sure but off I send it to drift through cyber-space.
Can anyone relate?
Thanks for reading.