I apologize in advance for being a bit cryptic here. I have been experiencing a call to a certain vocation which seems nearly impossible right now. Let me explain…I have a spiritual director to whom I submit my fairly regular mystical-type experiences, and from working with him and research / practice I do have a lot of experience discerning spirits and protecting from evil ones or stuff from my own head. I don’t want to get into private revelation so suffice to say that I have been given a very clear calling, for the past few months and more explicitly the past month in a way that cannot be denied and that I am certain is from God.
Problem…I lack faith I suppose…other parties involved int his vocation have also hinted at similar revelations…problem is that parties involved are basically in a non communicating non functioning relationship and a real life result seems implausible if not imprudent.
Let me make it clear that I never considered this particular vocation much until this revelation began; my spiritual director mostly listens when I tell him and tells me to be careful which I am. I did not seek this information and the reality of our relationship (the party involved) is ugly. Much because I am working through a lot of past trauma…this experience is in fact bringing all that out to light, but healing it which is great. It is quite painful though. I try to think of this as a calling to something, and like in the seminary there is a long formation period to discern and form people…but I’m kind of going crazy. Because this is about holy matrimony and normally people are dating and stuff…we are not really functioning and barely see each other; and I would have dropped the whole issue ages ago if it wasn’t for this experience. It is big enough to pay attention.
I am writing this because I just would really appreciate any prayers supportive comments or PMs. I have been so upset with the person I am currently not on good terms with that I found myself defying the Lord. I want to have faith and trust but I am so afraid to submit to whatever direction the Lord wants, even though I want to have that fiat. I take my will back when I feel like I am getting hurt.
To be clear I am fairly detached from the outcome, as either way there will be some “growing pains” involved so I actually don’t have a preference how it turns out. All I would really like is for this spiritual experience to stop tormenting me when the reality is so far from it. In fact I begged the Lord if this revelation is not from Him; if it is from a demon or my own mind or someone else’s mind or any other trick; Or if it is not going to happen in real life in a joyful manner, that it would just go away. When I pray this it gets stronger. I know it is from God I just don’t know if our free wills will allow us and I don’t know what to do anymore, I am in a rock and a hard place and about to explode.
I am sorry if this violated forum rules. I am just at the verge of losing my mind. This is killing me and a lot of other stuff happened around it where I felt betrayed and I am kind of losing it / having a hard time forgiving / filled with rage / struggling with obedience.
The Lord today simply made it clear; He can rescue me from this no matter what; He will not call me to something I can’t do with my full heart and so either His grace will fix this or He will give me a different path to heaven. I am able to submit to that. But. When this stuff is going on all day it is maddening.
BTW I don’t have mental issues around this; this is the first time I’ve had any such experience and I always test the spirits. I’ve had some major confirmations.
Please give me any thoughts you feel the Holy spirit has for you about this and any prayers. I am feeling extremely alone and afraid right now and spend a lot of time crying. Sometimes the private revelation stops for a few moments and I think I’m free but then it returns.