Like so many people, I’m unsure if this is in the right category or not. If it isn’t, I’ll trust the admins to move it.
I was a cradle Catholic who even went to a parochial school. I received all the sacraments at the appropriate times–including Confirmation when I was about 12. I remember–although somewhat vaguelly, the preparation classes we went through prior to being confirmed. This was back in the early 60’s–back when receiving ANY sacrament for the first time WAS a really big deal! The girls all wore white dresses and the boys suits for confirmation just like for First Communion. I lived in a small town in the midwest and simply having the bishop come to our parish was a HUGE deal in itself and we studied for weeks because the bishop was going to ask us random questions at that Mass and we had to be prepared to answer if we were the one he called on. So YES, I prepared as well as I knew how to–at least at the time.
Anyway, I truly understood what the sacrament of Confirmation meant , its connection to Pentecost and that through it we were supposed to be receiving the Holy Spirit and the gifts that He brought with Him when He came to us. I was very much into my faith back then, and I can’t express how much I looked forward to being confirmed and receiving these gifts. I labored over choosing a confirmation name and sponsor. I took it all VERY seriously and I studied fiercely.
Then the day finally came and I was confirmed and maybe this was just because I’d “over-built-it-up” in my mind, but when I knelt expectantly in front of the bishop and he confirmed me, I remember standing back up to return to my seat and just feeling so disappointed because I felt absolutely no different after than before.
Now, later on, I fell away from the church for over 30 years–thus none of my 5 kids are Catholic (a huge sadness to me now) and I have been back about 3+ years now. My falling away had nothing to do with my disappointment with my confirmation, but the truth is, I still don;t feel “confirmed” even to this very day. I WANT to feel whatever one is supposed to feel so very much–especially now that I’m an old lady in her 60’s, but the truth is that I just don’t. I’ve prayed over this many, many times—but so far I don’t feel an answer if I’ve received one. I almost feel cheated in a strange way—and I don’t know what to do about it.
I guess this is just a question: Has anyone else ever felt this way—and if so, did you eventually grow to feel differently–and if so, how did you grow to feel the change? What–if anything did you do–or did you just wake up one day and feel the change? Thanks to anyone with advice to share.
BTW, since my return, I say the Chaplet of Divine Mercy Daily (though I often have trouble getting it done right at 3 p,), I say the daily Rosary and even say parts of the daily breviary—and I ask God daily to please send me the Holy Spirit. I go to weekly Mass (daily when I can) and confession at least once a month. So while nobody’s prayer life is perfect, I’m just saying that I have invested my whole heart and soul into making mine real–especially since I blew it so badly for so many years that I have much to atone for. I just feel like somehow God skipped over me all those years ago. Is anyone out there in the same boat I am? AND, if so, what is your answer if you have one.