My husband and I have been married for four and a half years, and have an almost three year old little boy. I've been struggling with feelings of guilt lately because we only have one child.
Our first 10 months of marriage I pretty much did no charting. I became pregnant and it was an extremely difficult 9 months. I had severe morning sickness (I was not diagnosed with it, but everything I've read about hyperemesis gravidarum describes my experience exactly.) I lost weight, had to quit my job, had to go to the emergency room once for IV fluids, threw up multiple times every day, had horrible dizziness/vergito, couldn't drive, could barely bathe, etc. It did ease up about the 3rd trimester, but never fully went away.
Praise the Lord, our son was born healthy. But the thought of going through that again has been a major fear of mine. I don't know how I'd take care of my son all day while in this condition. The fear has even brought on panic attacks (I've read there's a 95% recurring rate for this kind of severe morning sickness). I've charted very conservatively since then. We absolutely want more children (actually thrilled at the thought of another baby!), are always open to life, and I'm willing to go through it again, but life circumstances mean it probably won't happen for maybe even another year. Our son may be 4 of 5 before he has a sibling, and I feel terrible about that. But I need to make sure we're in a situation where he will suffer as minimally as possible because of it. Also, both of our families live several states away, and we don't know a soul in our new town - so I don't even know how'd I'd get to prenatal appointments with my husband at work all day and no help.
I feel like the only one in the world who's not pregnant or has more than one child. Pregnancy just seems to be no problem for SO many women. They're tired, or sick for awhile (which I'm completely sympathetic too, don't get me wrong!), but can pretty much carry on as normal. I also worry about infertility too. I know I need to just give it over to God, but I'm terrified that I've been selfish because of my fears and our diligent use of NFP. I read things about how it's sinful to use it unless you're going to die or something - but in my heart I know this cannot be true, and it's not what I learned in my formation, but I sense a scrupulosity in my friends who worry about what a "serious reason" is, which sends me questioning our reasons too. I'd love to be a frequently pregnant Catholic mom, but that is just not going to be a reality for me. I have to give up that dream.
Am I being selfish?