First i just want to quote something from St. Padre Pio -
*"Don’t worry if you feel cold when you meditate and pray … and if you see yourself still surrounded by weakness, because given that this takes place against your every will, there is no fault, and is nothing but a source of merit for you.
These are the trials of chosen souls whom God wants to put to the test when he sees they have the necessary strength to sustain the battle…"*
We are week, and it seems as though temptations are constant, but there is a difference between being tempted to sin, and actually giving into sin, if you feel proud, or experience temptation to give into your pride(or what have you) it is not a sin merely to feel those things, and infact it is meritorious to be tempted as long as we do not give in.
i would recommend meditating on that quote from St. Pio, keeping in mind why we were created, you were created for God alone, and we are here in this life to learn to know, love, and serve Him so that we may be happy with Him in the next life…so then when you feel cold and tired of caring, try to remember that you’re not here for yourself, your prayer life and efforts towards holiness ought to be with God in mind, with Him alone as your goal…which is something also that must be worked at, and you need to be patient with yourself, because God will help you at the pace that is best for you, trust that He knows what He is doing, consider that perhaps in order to overcome your faults, you need to learn and experience certain things first, which can only be learned though the trials God sends you, because remember, temptations will always be with you as long as you live here on earth, even the saints were constantly tempted, but they knew how to resist temptations, or flee from them, that is what you need to learn, that is what these trials you’re experiencing are for…and forgive me for saying this, but if you are feeling depressed or despaired or like not caring anymore, it’s because you’re thinking of yourself.
in your case, with your feelings of coldness and not wanting to care, maybe God wants you to learn not to do things based on feelings, but based on simply loving God and doing what is right to please Him.
when we rely on our feelings for anything, it’s easy to be manipulated, whether by the world or the devil, or even by ourselves, if you want to be holy and overcome yourself, you must use your logic and reason, not your feelings…of course feelings have their proper place, but they should never decide things for us.
now that all aside, i want to address what you said here - **“I lose all desire for prayer because pride is the greatest of sin and where there is pride God is not present, so why would I even try to pray when no one’s going to listen?”
pride has many degrees and forms, and is the root of all sin(though not every sin is pride), but that doesn’t mean that because you have temptations to pride or give into it in any degree whatsoever, that you are committing a grave sin, or a worse sin than any other…please be assured that that is simply not true, no matter what sin we commit, pride is behind it in one way or another, and it can be summed up simply by this - that pride is being a liar with yourself, thinking yourself greater than you are or worthy of something when you are not…actually let me quote the definition of pride from a good Catholic dictionary, which i think will explain it better than i can -
*"PRIDE. An inordinate esteem of oneself. It is inordinate because it is contrary to the truth. It is essentially an act or disposition of the will desiring to be considered better than a person really is. Pride may be expressed in different ways: by taking personal credit for gifts or possessions, as if they had not been received from God; by glorying in achievements, as if they were not primarily the result of divine goodness and grace; by minimizing one’s defects or claiming qualities that are not actually possessed; by holding oneself superior to others or disdaining them because they lack what the proud person has; by magnifying the defects of others or dwelling on them. When pride is carried to the extent that a person is unwilling to acknowledge dependence on God and refuses to submit his or her will to God or lawful authority, it is a grave sin. The gravity arises from the fact that a person shows contempt for God or of those who take his place. Otherwise, pride is said to be imperfect and venially wrong.
While not all sins are pride, it can lead to all sorts of sins, notably presumption, ambition, vainglory, boasting, hypocrisy, strife, and disobedience. Pride strives for perverse excellence. It despises others and, depending on its perversity, even looks down upon God. The remedies for pride are a sincere knowledge of oneself, the acceptance of daily humiliations, avoidance of even the least self-complacency, humble acknowledgment of one’s faults, and prayerful communion with God."*
(continued in next post)