I’m wondering if anyone else struggles with this and maybe we could encourage one another lol.
I really want to grow in holiness because I know it’s God’s will for each person, and I want to please Him more with my life. One day I realized that if we embark on this journey we’ll have to deal with suffering too, we’ll have crosses to carry. I felt God asking me if I would still take it, and I said yes. When I was a Protestant to be honest I didn’t notice that many crosses, and when I did have trials I didn’t make use of them. Lately, as I’ve been going through my conversion and entering the Church, I’ve suffered more interiorly than ever in my life. But God has been giving me strength to offer it to Him and not give up trust. I just hope and pray that none of the things I go through would affect people I love like my family and friends (that’s been a big fear of mine, but I trust God to always take care of them now and in the future), but that I’d be able to stay peaceful and joyful at home and in school, regardless of what’s happening.
One thing that God helped me see is that when we are going through an interior trial it’s best to just surrender it to Him, use that time to love Him, and don’t become too absorbed in ourselves but reach out to help others (who are suffering much more than me!). Also, submission to His will in all things is key.
But there’s one thing that I repeadly struggle with.
I know that God’s mercy is greater than my sins. I don’t doubt His forgiveness. I also know that I shouldn’t expect much virtue from myself because let’s face it, I don’t even have the Sacraments yet (but hopefully this year! :))
But I get these thoughts a lot:
How can I ever hope to grow in virtue and holiness if I’m so damaged by sin. I have so many horrible habits. Also, no matter how much I try I fall daily, over and over. Jesus told St Faustina we should rely on Him, not our ourselves. And I try to do that. But often I forget and go back to relying on myself, and mess up.
For example, this morning. Someone at home said something I disagree with. And I should have just let it go! If it bothered me, I should have just used that as an opportunity to make a sacrifice, and offered my annoyance to God. Well instead of this, I started explaining my position and the person got annoyed too and it turned into a stupid argument. Totally unnecessary! Well this whole day I just feel so horrible about it. And - I know the reason I feel horrible is because I’m disappointed in myself, and that’s good old PRIDE.
So then I look at myself, and I see a person who sins everyday AND is full of pride and selfishness and laziness… I want so much to do something for God, but I can’t get myself to do anything, NOR can I get myself to do little things for Him during the day like what St Therese wrote about. Because I constantly mess everything up.
I want to love God with all my heart and I want to have simple childlike faith and to always trust Him… I also want to be more careful about sin and to pray more… I also really want to have the pure heart of a child like the Saints did, like St Therese. (unfortunately my heart is not pure at all)
but I feel like there’s so much in me that’s preventing me from growing. HOW do we ever become more holy anyway? how does God turn sinners to saints? I feel too weak to resist sin and when I get thoughts of maybe having a religious vocation or whatever, I feel totally unworthy… especially because of my past… I did some horrible things before I was a Christian (and afterwards too).
Often I have the desire to be a saint (and even feel it’s God’s will) but then I wonder if I’m proud for thinking so, yet God knows I don’t think I have any such virtue in myself, - and if I ever get there it would be entirely by His grace. I don’t want to distrust in His grace because I know that hurts Him.
I hope it would be better once I start going to Confession.
The only thing that encourages me is when I look back on what has happened over these past several months. I was this very opinionated Protestant who thought Catholics don’t know God and felt a dislike for Mary. And - I know ONLY God could have changed me cause I was so resistant, lol - He changed me to a Catholic and gave me His Mother and even many consolations that I don’t deserve. He also gave me crosses to carry that I don’t deserve. When I was really nervous about my conversion He’s always given me great peace in my heart.
So clearly God HAS been working in my life and I know that Our Lady and the Saints have been praying for me, - for example St Therese, who I see as a great friend of mine in Heaven lol :). I’ve had some really cool things happen to me as a result of their intercession.
But does anyone else feel totally disappointed when they look at themselves, because of all the sin? How do I overcome this? I feel that all my sins keep me back from following God entirely, and my discouragement and occasional distrust keeps me back too. I really try to trust Him as much as I can.
wow. sorry for rambling once again. :o But…can anyone else relate?