Boymama, I’m so sorry… I know exactly what you mean about feeling hurt. I lost my baby almost 4 weeks ago; I had only found out I was pregnant 4 days before that. I had been trying to get pregnant for 7 months, praying so hard, struggling with fears that I was infertile… Then I prayed a novena to St. Joseph, and since it was also Mary’s month, I told Mary that if she interceded for me and helped me conceive, I would dedicate my baby to her in a special way. A week or so later, I found out I was pregnant. I was so happy I fell to the ground and cried my heart out with joy. Since it was Sunday, I got to go to Mass and thank God, crying all the way through it, and I asked the priest to give me and my baby a special blessing. I remember telling my husband that I was surprised I had no fears of miscarrying… I was so full of trust that God would keep my baby safe.
Four days later, I was in a gas station bathroom, on the floor crying my heart out because I was bleeding and cramping and about to pass out. I was miscarrying, and the most fitting word to describe how I felt was betrayed. Why, when God loved me so much, did He let me be so happy, grateful, and trusting, then just dash it all to the ground so quickly? I was so hurt. Yet somehow, God gave me the grace to get through it without turning away from Him.
The doctor couldn’t tell me if I’d miscarried for sure or not, and I had to leave on a trip a few days later, so I spent the next couple weeks thinking there was still a chance. Every day I battled with anxiety, so fearful that I was still going to lose the baby I might still have, since I was bleeding every day. I kept begging God to work a miracle, and let my baby still be alive, and to give me peace so I could stop being anxious. The anxiety still remained. Then one day, I was walking on a beautiful trail in Baxter State Park, and I came to a lake with gorgeous mountains surrounding it. My baby was very much on my mind, with all of the anxiety, but when I saw that beauty and was reminded of how beautiful and loving God is, I realized what I had to do. I told God how much I loved Him, and I offered Him my baby as a gift. I knew in that moment that it was the best gift I could ever give Him, because there is nothing I could love more on earth than my own child. I felt in that moment the gratitude of God, and I was flooded with so much peace. I could finally let go of my anxiety and fully accept God’s will. That day, my bleeding became much heavier, and I knew for sure in my heart that I had miscarried.
My heart goes out to you, because I know how awful it feels. And I know that even if you accept it, you will feel pain now and then and cry at random moments, but my hope for you is that you will be able to find peace in knowing God’s love. He has only allowed you to suffer because you are so dear to Him that He wants to be as close to you as He can. And I think the closest we can get to Jesus is through suffering. If we reach out and hug Him during our darkest moments, and show Him we love Him no matter what, what a special gift! It comforts the suffering Christ, and He in turn comforts us with His peace.
I will be praying for you.