Feeling lost after miscarriage


#1

Hello. I'm a longtime lurker, but I've never posted. I just need to talk about this for a bit.

My husband and I lost a baby at 7 1/2 weeks exactly 6 weeks ago. It has been hard, and I'm finding that I've remained prayerful but I'm taking the miscarriage personally. We had such a hard time getting pregnant with our first son (2 years of infertility) that we were ecstatic to find out I was pregnant when he was just 10 months old.

I'm hurt. I don't really understand, and I know that God has a bigger plan. That my baby is with him as an angel, and my son is a big brother to that beautiful child.

I just...I just don't know. Right after it happened I started going to daily Mass as a way to cope, and I find that I'm sitting there hearing but not quite listening.

Has anyone who has been through this felt the same way in the weeks following? My husband is absolutely amazing, and he has been nothing but a Man of Christ. We were both hurting, and we both have days where we are awesome and days where one (or both of us) is sad again.

I think the miscarriage on top of infertility is just tough. I don't know.

I don't mean to come across sounding depressed or hopeless, because that isn't it. I don't know exactly how to pin down my feelings. I'm so grateful for my son, and I don't mean for anyone to think I'm not. He is a blessing for so many reasons, and he is a huge source of joy in our lives.

Thanks for listening. Writing it out has made me feel better already.


#2

This is very sad. I have no words to offer to ease your pain.

Don't worry about not listening at mass; He will understand. Just being there and sharing your pain with Christ will, I pray, be a source of healing for you.


#3

Please accept my prayers and my condolences…one saint mommy to another. I’ve lost two at 20 weeks to different causes, but the pain is very real. I checked out mentally and emotionally after the first, and fell off the deep end after the second. I clung to hope, but gave up.

I can look back now and see that this was MY journey. This was MY 40 days in the desert. I had to have time away from everything. i was angry at Him for taking my sons, and you know what I learned?

He can take it. Give Him your anger. Get angry at Him. Go to church and talk to your priest and tell him how you are feeling. He can take it. And just like your son after a temper tantrum, He’ll be there to hug you after you are done.

I’m two years out from our last son’s loss, and right now, our beautiful little baby girl is sleeping next to me. It was an anxious 9 months, filled with heartache, grief, joy, elation, and sorrow. I delivered at 36 weeks because i just couldn’t take it any more.

I grieved after she was born. She’s now 10 months old, and I can say that in the last 4 months, I’ve begun to smile again. I feel the sun, and feel worthy of it. I can say “Thank you, Father, for my boys”, and mean it. I cry for them, but I smile because I will see them again. You WILL see your child again…all Children belong to Him. He’s just getting a head start.

God Bless you and Keep you. May the Lord make his face to Shine upon you, and give you Peace.


#4

First, hugs and prayers. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I went through a second miscarriage last month. It has been a roller coaster - I was "fine" for about a week, then completely lost it. I've had many crying jags, I've been to my parish priest (twice) to ask him questions - why did this happen? Where's God in all this? Why should I open myself to God, what more would He want from me? It has not been easy, I will admit that. I still find myself grappling with big questions. It's the closest thing I've ever had to a loss of Faith in my entire life.

After both miscarriages I have received the blessing for a mother who has lost a child from the [FONT=Trebuchet MS]"[/FONT]Collectio Rituum", both administered by my parish priest. You may want to ask your priest if he can give you the blessing.

Stay close to the Sacraments. Grieve on your own time. Don't rush it if you don't want to. You don't have to be "done grieving" by X day. If you must cry, do it. Talk to your priest, a monk, Sister, anyone if you need it. And if you don't (or can't), that's okay. There's no wrong way to grieve. Let it all out to God, He can take it.

I don't know if you've seen it, but there's a thread called "Mommies of Little Saints" that may be helpful for you.

God love you, dear. :hug1:


#5

Having a miscarriage is a huge loss, no matter how far along you were. I lost my very first baby exactly one week after I found out I was pregnant. It was heartbreaking!! I always wanted children and that baby was a surprise. It was so weird–after I miscarried, I would just randomly start crying. I wouldn’t be thinking about the baby or anything, I would just start crying. Maybe hormones? Anyway, my due date with that baby i lost was March 16, 2006. Well, I found out on that exact date that I was pregnant with my now 4 year old son. So, had I carried that first baby, I wouldn’t have my sweet boy. I think of myself as lucky knowing I have a child in Heaven to pray for me and his/her family. It’s ok to feel angry, sad, etc… Our Lord understands. It is important not to lose faith and trust in Him. It’s easy to look back now and see His plan in place. We may not understand right now; we may never understand at all. But trust in Our Lord is so essential for survival and sanity! I don’t know if any of my comments helped or not. I just wanted you to know that I completely understand what you’re going through and it will become bearable in time. You’re in my prayers!!


#6

I'm so sorry for your loss. :hug1:

Losing a baby is very hard. And like all losses, it takes time to heal. For me the first months are the hardest, then it gets easier, then it gets hard again around the due date, then easier, then hard around the one year mark, then easier...:hug1: I found I had to work through sadness, then grief, then anger, etc. Sometimes I felt like I was very, very distant from God and at other times I felt my babies bringing me closer to Him. :hug1:

We've gone through infertility twice--before and after our precious daughter. We also had 2 miscarriages before and 2 more miscarriages afterwards.

I wish no one had to go through a miscarriage--but I treasure that I was pregannt with each of the babies I lost. As you tell people of your loss, you'll probably be surprised at how many women have also lost a baby and you will get support and comfort from them. :hug1:

You're in my prayers...it gets easier.

KG


#7

Boymama, I’m so sorry… I know exactly what you mean about feeling hurt. I lost my baby almost 4 weeks ago; I had only found out I was pregnant 4 days before that. I had been trying to get pregnant for 7 months, praying so hard, struggling with fears that I was infertile… Then I prayed a novena to St. Joseph, and since it was also Mary’s month, I told Mary that if she interceded for me and helped me conceive, I would dedicate my baby to her in a special way. A week or so later, I found out I was pregnant. I was so happy I fell to the ground and cried my heart out with joy. Since it was Sunday, I got to go to Mass and thank God, crying all the way through it, and I asked the priest to give me and my baby a special blessing. I remember telling my husband that I was surprised I had no fears of miscarrying… I was so full of trust that God would keep my baby safe.

Four days later, I was in a gas station bathroom, on the floor crying my heart out because I was bleeding and cramping and about to pass out. I was miscarrying, and the most fitting word to describe how I felt was betrayed. Why, when God loved me so much, did He let me be so happy, grateful, and trusting, then just dash it all to the ground so quickly? I was so hurt. Yet somehow, God gave me the grace to get through it without turning away from Him.

The doctor couldn’t tell me if I’d miscarried for sure or not, and I had to leave on a trip a few days later, so I spent the next couple weeks thinking there was still a chance. Every day I battled with anxiety, so fearful that I was still going to lose the baby I might still have, since I was bleeding every day. I kept begging God to work a miracle, and let my baby still be alive, and to give me peace so I could stop being anxious. The anxiety still remained. Then one day, I was walking on a beautiful trail in Baxter State Park, and I came to a lake with gorgeous mountains surrounding it. My baby was very much on my mind, with all of the anxiety, but when I saw that beauty and was reminded of how beautiful and loving God is, I realized what I had to do. I told God how much I loved Him, and I offered Him my baby as a gift. I knew in that moment that it was the best gift I could ever give Him, because there is nothing I could love more on earth than my own child. I felt in that moment the gratitude of God, and I was flooded with so much peace. I could finally let go of my anxiety and fully accept God’s will. That day, my bleeding became much heavier, and I knew for sure in my heart that I had miscarried.

My heart goes out to you, because I know how awful it feels. And I know that even if you accept it, you will feel pain now and then and cry at random moments, but my hope for you is that you will be able to find peace in knowing God’s love. He has only allowed you to suffer because you are so dear to Him that He wants to be as close to you as He can. And I think the closest we can get to Jesus is through suffering. If we reach out and hug Him during our darkest moments, and show Him we love Him no matter what, what a special gift! It comforts the suffering Christ, and He in turn comforts us with His peace.

I will be praying for you.


#8

Thank you, everyone, for your supportive words.

It is good to know that it is okay I get upset with God over the loss. I was feeling guilty like I should be able to just deal with it.

Also I am sorry for everyone else's losses too.


#9

Well, we lost two. The first time we were shocked, lost and not really sure what to think… after the second one, DW was really upset. In a few months our DD was conceived. As someone else pointed out once, if it were not for the miscarriage, we would never have had our DD! She’s a wonderful blessing!

So I don’t really agree that it is OK to get upset with God. He loves you. He has many plans for you. Somehow, this situation fits in His plans for you as strange as it may seem. You don’t have to “just deal with it.” You are more than welcome to share your suffering with Jesus. He’s there to carry us when we are sad. He suffered so that He knows what it is like for us to suffer. It would be good to share that feeling with Him and ask for his help.


#10

[quote="boymama, post:1, topic:246077"]

I think the miscarriage on top of infertility is just tough. I don't know.

[/quote]

I am sorry for the loss of your little baby. I am sure that it always hurts to miscarry, but it does seem as though the infertility should have been "enough" for any one couple to bear. In our case, DH and I had 4 miscarriages after DD. That was AFTER having dealt with the DD being born 2.5 months early and all that entails. I was, shall we say, a tad bitter for a while. In my case, I even stopped going to Mass for a while, I was so angry. Even though sometimes I still feel that anger, like a spark thrown off a fire, many other times, I feel like we have guardian angels watching out for our family now. :angel1::angel1::angel1::angel1:

Be easy on yourself and know that you will feel better, even though you won't forget.


#11

I am so sorry for your loss! :( Miscarriage is a hard thing to go through. I've had 3...all in a row. It was a very dark time in my life. My second one was the worst...mainly b/c it required a D&C as I was 11 wks along when he (I think it was a boy) died. I had a D&C the day I would have been 13 wks. That was very hard and I still get choked up about it. He would have been born in May of last year. At any rate I was so angry and sad and just plain upset...yet at the same time I was very grateful for my 2 kids that I did have and so happy to have them. After my third miscarriage I was diagnosed with 2 blood clotting disorders. Although we don't know exactly what caused my miscarriages since I didn't have testing done on any of them, my endocrinologist suspected that the blood clotting disorders had something to do with it.

I started praying to St. Gianna Molla for her intercession that if it be God's will that I would have a healthy baby. And I believe that through her, God answered my prayer. My daughter Honey Gianna was born last Nov...2 days after the anniversary of my D&C the previous year. I was on blood thinners with her and a ton of vitamins but I honestly believe that my prayers worked.

I will pray that you can make it through this hard time in your life. Although you will never forget your little baby, you will make it through this (I'm sure of it) and it does get easier with time. :hug3:


#12

Hugs :console:

I'm so very sorry for your loss. There is just no way to make sense of such a loss. It hurts. You just have to trust that God is holding you just like you hold your first son when he experiences pain.

You will feel better in time. But right now it's hard.

Again, so sorry for the loss of your child.


#13

Prayers for you and your family. I'm sorry for your loss.


#14

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