I need to chat with someone about a problem I have. Does it matter what religion I am? Well here’s my problem.I have a friend (a guy) that I recently became emotionally attached to. It was a lot of talk very intent conversations and he never told me he was studying to become a priest. I am very sad because we talked of love, marriage, children,sex. I am confused. Why didn’t he tell me he was studying to be a priest? Why would he talk of such beautiful things to me only to find out he’s in seminary school? The only reason I found out was thru a friend. He’s the most wonderful person I’ve met. Was he just testing himself? Now his parents won’t let us talk anymore because they just found out we were talking. I can’t even to to him to get answers. I would never get in the way of his love for god. I just feel used! I really need to understand why? I feel angry,sad,and used! I need to be able to move on and forgive. Please help!
Hi Hopefull 19-
I’m sorry to read about your predicament. Please understand that when one gets the call to serve God via Sacraments, it’s a calling that cannot be ignored. If you had made all these plans and you then realized that you were being called in to religious vocations, would you seriously be happy after a period of time being married?
Granted, your friend should have told you about what he was thinking about but he also may have had doubts until the last minute. My spiritual advisor, a deacon, had doubts until the moment the Bishop laid hands on him.
I hope this helps you. I know it will take a while for the pain to go away but it will. Be happy for him and pray for him as well as yourself.
Thank you for the post I just feel mislead. This is not his first year of seminary school. He should have told me before and I would have never let it get as far as it did. I feel very angry and sad. I really feel he should have told me. Was I a test? I am a firm believer in god and I would never take him away from his calling. I just feel used and thrown away!
It never, ever, matters what religion you are. You can always come and share with us.
I am so sorry that you feel hurt and used. It’s always a very hard feeling to have. You may wonder what his intentions where, and why he chose you, and some other thoughts and feelings.
Never, ever forget that it’s not your fault. He should’ve made his intentions clear, and owes you an explanation.
Beleive it or not, and it doesn’t give you much comfort now, but these feelings will pass. You’ll meet other people who you can have the same kind of discussions with…you may not beleive me now, but you will!
We’ll pray for you!
I’d confront him about his vocational calling. It’s clear, he’s not cut out to be a priest at this stage, for there are two things that come to mind here. 1st, he’s discussing things with you that clearly are not in line with what a priest would be doing, 2nd, he didn’t tell you about what he was studying which is deceptive. Being called to the priesthood should never be a half hazard commitment, you are either in all the way, or out, there is no in between and it really sounds like his parents are behind this, pushing him to do this for their vanity, not for what is best for him as an individual.
I felt called at the age of 13, I had to make a choice, one way or the other to follow it, or to follow another path and vocation. I chose the latter, but it was clear, I could have gone either way and this was entirely between myself and God, not my parents or any outside party’s.
If he has not yet taken his vows he may still be discerning, wondering if it’s what he’s being called to do after all.
Maybe he has doubts about what he is meant to do in life. Most young people do.
What do you mean his parents won’t let you talk anymore? They told him no and he obeys them, or are they physically preventing you from talking?
He is the only one who can answer your question of why he didn’t tell you about being in seminary school. Maybe he didn’t tell you because he thought you’d leave if you knew, maybe he was testing himself, who knows.
It’s interesting that his parents are preventing contact though, are they forcing him to be a priest?
Hi Hopefull 19,
I am really sorry you had to go through this. It sounds like you had a real connection with this man, and you were very hurt. It wasn’t clear to me in you original post - did you speak in specific terms of getting married and having children together, or in general terms, like “marriage is a beautiful thing” or “children are a blessing?”
Men are flawed, even men who are working to become preists, and sometimes we (men) do things out of confusion, curiosity, and ignorance. I myself have been known to be oblivious, or at least inconsiderate of the intentions of women in the past when discussing these types of things. It is possible he was testing himself, but hopefully not. It is also possible that he had good intentions and was trying to have an open discussion with a friend.
However, I do think that prodigalson12 has a point. If you spoke about specifics, then you probably should challenge him on his calling. A man can be called to the service of God as a preist, or as a husband, or as a single man. If he is debating his path in life, you have the right to talk to him. Just like some people get married without proper self-reflection and wind up regretting it and getting divorced, some men become preists and regret following that path and leave the preisthood. It would be better for him to determine if his convictions are strong now before making a vow to God. If his convictions are strong, then please respect them. If that’s the case, I hope you can forgive him of the pain he has caused you.
I hope this helps. Again, I am sorry you had to go through this. :o
The guy you were confiding with seems like he has some growing up to do - a vocation (weather married or to the consecrated life) is between an individual and God. If his parents are cutting off your connection to him, it appears that the vocation may be *theirs *and not his. It also means a serious relationship cannot be in order at this point in his life as he is letting mommy and daddy make these kinds of decisions for him. I think anyone would be upset in this situation. I’m not judging his vocation, which could in fact be genuine (his parents intentions aside), but those discussions can’t be had while anyone is seriously discerning religious life in a seminary.
(I assume you were referring to a Catholic in the Roman Rite discerning to be a priest)
Whether you were a test is up to him to answer; I don’t know what his thoughts were. I feel for you but if he is answering a call from God, I must wish him the best.
I also wish you the best. You may not believe it but you will get over this and move on.
I have a fabulous Uncle who nearly became a priest (in the later years of formation) when he met my Aunt. It wasn’t love at first sight but he did decide to leave the seminary and was later engaged to her and married her. He is still passionately in love with God. No one, not even the other priests, had taught him that one must be in love with God before you can fall in love with your spouse. When the conflict arose in his dating life he drove to a monistary and spoke to a priest who spoke this truth to him.
Now don’t go get your hopes up. Even if your friend does drop out today he needs time to readjust and find a marketable job skill.
Is he studying to become a Catholic priest? You say he is in the seminary but is he in the Catholic seminary? The reason I ask is because in your first post and in your profile you state you are not Catholic but just needed to talk. In most (maybe all) Protestant religions, pastors can marry.
When I say we spoke of love marriage, we were in a relationship. That’s why I can’t understand how he could just throw me away without even talking to me. I guess I didn’t know him at all. I’m really trying to understand how someone that tells you they love you can just walk away without a word. I think he should have been more of a man and told me the truth and not lbe so scared of his parents. I am very grateful to all of you for your help.
im sorry to hear tyour plight ,sometimes people find it hard to seperate their love for man from there love from god but all hope is not lost .
i knew a catholic preist who shortly after compleating his semanary years fell in love . his love for god was grateter than his love for her so he cut her of rather abrubtly he became verry depresedand lonly , he tried alsorts to take his mind of her , cats dogs fishing … several years later he changed parish and discovered that SHE was living two doors away from the presbytary . to cut a long story short they patched things up and live as she calls it as “spouses in christ” every morning she goes round makes him breakfast and they spend their free time together but they never do anything mor physical than hold hands and at night she returns to her house. when asked if not having a family or any intamate contact frustrates her she says that watching the way he dotes on the children of the parish makes her realise that they all ready have a family (the parish) and why would she want to seperate him from god by tempting him with all that messy physical buisness , they are perfectly happy as they are thankyou.
i know this isnt what you were hopeing for but if you realy love him it can be made to work.
good luck what ever happens
(names not included for puposes of confidentiality)