I am struggling with spiritual envy towards Priests, Seminarians and those considering a vocation. I know it sounds terrible. It sounds like spiritual envy, which is a mortal sin. So, I dont know if Im in mortal sin. I also feel terrible because I get these “envious feeling flare-ups”. I want to tell the LORD to take this vocation away from me, if all I’m going to feel is envy, which I dont enjoy, then I dont want this vocation. I dont want anything to do with it. :(:( . I am not worthy of a call like this. There are alot of guys here alot holier and alot more worthier of this calling. I want to give to the LORD, a prefect loving heart. All HE gets is a cold, unholy, worse than pagan heart almost at times. I dont pray enough, I want more prayer, Im lazy at school (I skipped two of my classes today), I get mad at my parents and brothers, I am obnoxious, I enjoy wearing fancy clothes (for now, until I give them away). I’m vain and proud. no LORD, YOU dont deserve a servant like this. I dont deserve even to altar serve. I dont deserve anything other than hell at times I feel. I want to love YOU oh LORD, but I can’t. Im not perfect enough. You need a diligent, unselfish, humble and pure servant. I have kicked my old sexual habits, but Im appalled at what I did. Im appalled at how sinful I was and still am. I am far from perfect LORD.
please help me forum, and while you are at it, say a prayer for me, I need every ounce and drop of prayer I can get, even a little one…
Peter denied Christ three times and Christ put Peter as head of the Church and of the Apostles. Spiritual evny is a bad thing but it often stems from humility. And humility is a necessity for any vocation. Talk with your Priest about everything. A good number of Priests I’ve read about all felt the same way at the early stages of their vocation. Don’t lose heart friend.
There are three conditions a sin has to meet in order to be mortal: it has to be of grave matter, the one committing it has to have full knowlege (meaning they know it’s of grave matter) and they have to have complete consent.
If you’re “spiritual envy” is just a feeling you can’t help, than that’s not a sin at all.
I get envious at times of religious because I find being a single parent a very hard vocation at times and when I hear of some going on a nice trip overseas I go grrrrr cause I am stuck doing housework and I would like sometimes to be able to be with like minded souls like myself, but I can’t find anybody like me. But God made me a mother I guess and I try to make the most of that vocation, but at times I do get angry about it all, about why I am the way I am, why God said my journey would be easy but didn’t tell me what was in store, the responsibility God has placed on my shoulders and I feel like I am doing it all on my own. I even get upset because the Lord never actually told me He loved me. I got given a vocation I can’t even talk about nor even talk to a priest about and there have been times when I have begged for this burden to be taken away from me. Sometimes because I don’t feel up to it, and sometimes because I too don’t think I am worthy, and sometimes because I sin and I eat the wrong foods and don’t exercise or I am too tired or because I am lazy. Sometimes I struggle with lust and think ‘just shoot me now’. I have even suggested to God lately let me win some money so I can give up work, buy a holiday house and focus on my vocation :eek: I have even dug my heels in like a donkey and said to The Lord I am not budging until you tell me you love me and then I will be fine to move on. Have you read what the jobs were of the disciples were before Jesus called them? Have you read some bios of some religious about the life they led prior to following Christ? Some were womanisers, some took drugs, some drank a lot, some got into trouble with the law. I often throw up to God that he must have been scraping the barrel when he called me. But he calls various persons for different reasons who come from various walks of life with various backgrounds, not all of them unblemished. And I don’t argue now why I was called, but I do at times dig my heels in and stagnate myself.
It also sounds like you are young. So I think you have plenty of time here to see for sure where God is leading you and you also have your priest and others that can help you in what you are going through. A stubborn donkey can be moulded into a faithful, obedient humble lamb and God’s ability to do this is quite amazing so do not fear that what you regard as your lack of form as being a hinderance to being worthy of serving God one day.
Is it possible you may suffer a little scrupulosity? You really need to find a wise priest to talk to- either in confession or for spiritual direction.
Also- it seems you may have a little false humility. I recommend focusing more on the mercy and might of the Lord. You are human and sinful, just like the rest of us. The important thing is to focus more on Jesus and less on ourselves. I have also struggled with very similar problems. Having the true humility to recognize that I am a sinner without falling into self-pity and without despairing of God’s ability to use me for His Kingdom is something I need to pray for everyday.
You are a teenager and your mind is on fire with the passion of youth. Hormones aren’t only related to sexuality- they can cause highly intense emotional states and the mind can be “captured” by what freud called “storm and stress”. I’m not a huge Freud guy but I do think he had a handle on the intensity of adolescence.
I was much the same way when I was in my late teens- VERY iNTENSE= especially about my relationship with God. And some of the energy of adolescence can be a great thing but it can be SO hard to make use of it without getting a bit “edgy”.
Try to be gentle with yourself. God loves you and Mary watches over you. God wants you to be happy, he wants you to feel loved.
I wouldn’t go back to being a teen for anything! :D;)
First of all, I know what you are going through as I went through this exact stages of AUGHHHH this summer after I came back from a youth retreat that really fired me up for the faith (Stubenville.)
Here is the thing. No one is “worthy.” We have ALL sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. If we hadn’t, God wouldn’t have had to send His Son down here to open the gates of Heaven for us.
God can use us - faults and all. Plus, it is awesome that you have made this great progress in the area of faith. There is much rejoicing when anyone who has sinned comes back to God.
No one is perfect but God. Like I said, if we were perfect, we wouldn’t need God - and everyone is far from that level of perfection.
Right now, I can recommend you doing as I am doing - find peace in God. Do I know what my “life plan” is? No! Far from it, actually. But I am working on a season of separation - separating what I want and looking for what GOD wants.
As a hint - I have found a weekly adoration hour is priceless. Tomorrow I am going for an hour with my Mom (another hint, find someone to talk to offline about this, my Mom is great to talk to when I feel like I am banging my head against the wall concnering God’s will.) and then I think I’ll go to adoration for another slot that night. Peace comes from surrendering our wills to God.
Hey, God created your very soul - don’t cut Him short - He doesn’t make mistakes and your on this earth for a reason.
Feel free to PM me if you need anything.
God Bless you!! (and sending prayers and prayers and prayers your way!)
I will certainly pray for you! I went through a rather tumultuous day recently regarding my discernment and, although it’s still painful, I’m moving forwards, thanks be to God. I can identify with some of what you’ve said, and so it’ll be easy to remember to pray for you in tonight’s Rosary!
Our Lady will be your greatest patroness. If you ever find it difficult to pray to God, be sure to ask Her for help.