Last night while attending Midnight Mass I was overwhelmed with a sense of unworthiness. I so much yearned for the opportunity to offer up such a beautiful Sacrifice on the carefully adorned High Altar, and yet I did not pay attention to every detail of the Holy Feast. Instead, looking at the Tabernacle the only thing I whispered to Jesus was not a sincere ‘Happy Birthday’ but that ‘I would like to become a priest if called’.
Then after going home and seeing a post by my spiritual director on Facebook I was so jealous of his successful ministry, and I was thinking like, ‘How could I become a cordial, down-to-the-Earth priest? Well see how short and ugly I am, how devoid of virtues I am, and how can I be worthy of the call? See how many imperfections I can already think of which can impede my pastoral work!’
Envy stirred my emotions which led to deliberate sin…‘Well,’ I thought, ‘Jesus must have known I will sin. Why did He still love me? Why did my spiritual director affirm my Vocation (when I don’t think I have)? Why me?’ ‘Well, if you think you are so unworthy then why not stop thinking of Vocation?’ I began to lapse into baby temper tantrums, ‘NO WAY! IF Jesus really had called me I REALLY WANT IT! LOL…’
See how childish I am! I have committed the sin of impurity recently in similar occasions of ‘self-destructive’ unworthiness… I always lose my temper (in my mind) like a child pulling the shirt of papa and mama mumbling nonsense…:o