No, no relation to iaskquestions. I just liked his name and it applies to myself and the reason I’m here.
This is long, but I need help, so please read:
In prayer, I kept telling God I didn’t know how to explain love. I just kept telling Him “I can‘t explain it, it‘s just…a feeling”. I thought that love consisted of emotion and “feelings”. The problem for me was, it wasn’t a very strong feeling. This made me question my love for God. I thought that maybe I truly didn’t love Him. This hindered me from saying certain prayers, such as the basic Act of Love.
Then I learned about true contrition. For a while, I kept putting off confession because I didn’t “feel” sorry. I thought that true sorrow consisted in emotion and tears. But then I learned that contrition was not really an emotion, or a “feeling”, but an act of the will. I starting thinking then that the same might apply to love. Sure enough it does. I learned that even if you don’t “feel” love for God, that doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t love Him.
Now on to my problem.
My problem is not so much that I don’t have this “feeling” of love for God, but that I have it for others and not for God. Now I’ve experienced dryness. I feel dryness constantly. But this can’t really be dryness, because I do have “feelings” and emotions right now…just not for God.
I have what I believe to be a deep love for the Blessed Virgin. Just the other day I was telling her how much I love her, and how she warms my heart, which is not a very easy thing to accomplish with me. It is rare that anyone or anything gives me these warm feelings (or what some would describe as “mushy” or “touchy-feely” emotions).
Then I thought to myself: “Why don‘t I have these same ‘feelings’ for God?” “Does this mean I don‘t love God as much as the Blessed Virgin?” “What‘s going on here?”
At first I didn’t think much of it. I quickly mentioned it in prayer, and thought that it was probably a temptation from Satan to get me to either stop praying to Mary and try to distance myself from her (which is exactly what he‘d want), but now it’s really starting to concern me.
I do know though that just because I have “feelings” for the Blessed Virgin, and not God, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I love her more, or that I don’t love God at all. Why is it though that I have warm feelings for the Blessed Virgin right now, but none at all for God? Is it possible to have partial dryness? Dryness with God, but not with the Blessed Virgin?
So that’s my first concern: The fact that I have “feelings” for the Blessed Virgin right now, but not for God. My second concern is closely related. I’ll continue:
I do go through periods where I “feel” closer to God, or “feel” a certain love for Him (especially when thinking about His passion), but even on those days of consolation and “feelings”, I’ve still never felt the same way I feel about the Blessed Virgin. Why is it that I feel such deep and warm feelings for the Blessed Virgin, much stronger than those I’ve ever felt for God? The only thing I could think of was that I am a man and she is a woman (the perfect woman…and mother). I don’t like getting into psychology and everything, but is it possible that the reason I have these feelings for her is because she is in fact and woman? and because I find it hard to have these same feelings for God, who I view as manly?
I’ve tried answering my first concern (having “feelings” in general for Mary, but not Him), and the only positive answers I could come up with are:
Maybe God is allowing me to have “feelings” for her to make me pray more to her, and become closer to her, so she can help me more and obtain the graces for me which I may not have gotten if I didn’t ask for her prayers, intercession, and for those graces she knows I need, whatever they may be.
Or (and this is a similar answer) maybe God is allowing me to have “feelings” for her to make me want to do things which are pleasing to her. This answer came to my mind because I’ve recently thought to myself “how can I please my Holy Mother?”. I thought to myself “maybe I should start saying the rosary again”, which I know is very pleasing to her (I stopped saying the rosary over a month ago when I fell into a sort of disparity. I haven’t said the rosary since). And so maybe God is allowing me to have “feelings” to get me to start saying the rosary again. The rest of the answers I came up with were negative.
And about my second concern (the deepness of these “feelings” being stronger and warmer than those I‘ve “felt” for God), I’ve already given you my speculation. Perhaps it has to do with the natural man/woman thing. I don’t know…