Fell down again...same old story


I am a bisexual female and my best friend has also been my lover off and on for about 13 years. I slipped up again this weekend when she came to visit. I don’t know what to do about this situation. I feel so bad. I know I let God down. Yet I don’t know how to live without her. I love her so much. What is really crazy is that we are both devout Christians and love our Lord, yet we fall into sin at times. The situation is complicated by the fact that our spouses are great friends, we are each other’s children’s godparents, etc., etc. It is not as easy to cut off all contact as in a different situation.
I am going to confession ASAP and am thinking about joining Courage…but the thought of living without her is terribly painful.


Since you feel that your love her so much, would you not remember that to truly love her
means that you would not jeopardize her salvation or yours?
Practical means of avoiding temptation: see to it that you are never alone with her. It may
be hard to do, but it is possible.


You are married and you had an affair. Heterosexual or bisexual really doesn’t have much to do with this. Do you think because you are bisexual you have more of an excuse to cheat on your spouse. What part of YOU ARE MARRIED slipped your mind here? This woman needs to be out of your life. What about love for your SPOUSE, *your *CHILDREN. There is nothing loving about what you both are doing. Love is about getting each other to heaven, doing what’s best for the other person. This isn’t love, its lust and you need to wake up before you destroy the lives of the people who should be first in your life -your spouse and your children.

This may sound harsh, but I don’t see anything loving about any of this.


Dear Musician,

 May God be with you in your struggles. I also am working through difficulty with sexuality, as our many in these times. May I ask, is your situation something you confess regularly in the sacrament? Something of which your respective spouses are aware? Does your spouse support your efforts to avoid temptation? How about your partner? Does she also wish to avoid temptation? Finally, how is your prayer life? 

I ask these things because I have found that, with my own temptations, telling my spouse of my desires, confessing regularly, and going to therapy with a Christian counselor all help to bring the sins “into the light.” It is when the sins are kept secret that they grow in power.

Do not despair! Continue to struggle spiritually, and make changes in your physical and spiritual life to help you through this. Keep in mind that removing sin from our lives to which we have long been attracted is painful and difficult - C.S. Lewis discussed that perfectly in “The Great Divorce.” Avoid being alone with this woman, and stress to her that you wish to change this part of your life. Find ways to be fulfilled with your husband.

*Every day you provide your bodies with good to keep them from failing. In the same way your good works should be the daily nourishment of your hearts. Your bodies are fed with food and your spirits with good works. You aren’t to deny your soul, which is going to live forever, what you grant to your body, which is going to die. --St. Gregory the Great *


You and your family need to move far away and get away from that situation. For you, that other person is a near occaion for sin and vice versa. Get away as if your soul depends on it because it does.

Jesus tells us, you break your marriage vows “at your own peril”.


I don’t think I said that I have more of a right to commit adultery because I am bisexual. Did I? I think what I said was this was a terrible conflict for me. You sound really judgemental. You must not ever sin. How lucky for you.
Every single time I have fallen I have gone to confession. I am blessed to have a wonderful confessor who works with me, as does a Christian counselor. My spouse is aware of my struggles; he is truly my rock and loves me unconditionally. I bring these sins to the light, as you said, because I don’t want this to have power over me. You are so right.
My friend feels equally awful because she is also a devout Christian. (I might add that this situation seldom occurs…it is rare and most of the time we are fine. I keep trying to find a trigger but it is hard to figure out.) We actually did move out of state so we are seven hours away from each other, which is much better.
I do pray and am devoted to the Divine Mercy. I know God forgives me. It is hard to forgive myself at times even for having these feelings.


Pray this:
"Please help me to avoid the near occasion of sin"
Like others have said.

You might look at the situation in which you fall and see if you can avoid those specific situations.
Was alcohol involved? Then never drink with her.
Was it just that you were alone during the day in private? Then never be alone with her. If you want to meet, go to a public place (coffee house, restaurant).
Does she know how much your ‘meeting’ tears you apart spiritually? Let her know. Ask her to help not to create the ‘situation’ that leads to this.

Do not test yourselves by 'seeing if you can get together and being strong enough not to “be” together. You are human and weak, just like all of us.

“Lead us NOT into temptation, but deliver us from evil”.

praying for you!



You are right, Tex. I should love her so much that I would never jeopardize her soul. I know that part of my “love” for her is selfish, for my own gratification, rather than true love where I would protect her from my sin. I’ll try the never-being-alone with her thing; that would probably work. Thanks!


Thanks, Michel,
You’ve given me food for thought…I appreciate it.



I have found that stress often triggers desire. In addition, when I have not had regular / good bonding time with my spouse, that will leave me more vulnerable to desire and to stress. Have you ever considered seeing a Christian counselor? I have found that speaking with someone who is emotionally removed from the situation has helped me to understand my own desires better, and how to become more aware of “triggers,” especially those growing from feelings relating to experiences long past.

Work on totally living “in the moment” and do not “fool yourself.” Be active, not passive, in what you think about at any moment. Remember that, just like with drug use, temptation may enter through gateways which themselves seem innocent (or which are claimed to be innocent by our society). You cannot conquer desire for sexual relations with this woman by fantasizing or “roleplay” with your husband, by looking at pornography, or even by reading “women’s” magazines or looking at “nonporn” such as Victoria’s Secret. To do so is to open the gate to an eventual encounter. Guard your heart, guard your mind, be aware of temptations the moment you actively consider them, and pray at that moment for the strength to struggle.

May God Bless You in your difficulties.

I think that if a man does not guard his heart well, he will forget and neglect everything he has heard, and thus the enemy, finding room in him, will overthrow him. It is like a lamp filled with oil and lit; if you forget to replenish the oil, gradually it goes out and eventually darkness will prevail. --Abba Orsisius


Just stay in public. This has made keeping my heterosexual relationships chaste easier. Never be in a position where you are able to “slip”. Go for coffee or dinner (avoid movie theaters though) bring along your children (if you have any), volunteer together. There are many ways to have a chaste relationship. But since this particular one is hard for you I would suggest not having privacy between the two of you. Maybe have your husband talk to her. If she likes him and respects the marriage then she will see how this not only hurts you but your husband. Talk to her about how this would affect your children, surely she cares for them. This does not only affect you and her, but your family as well.


I think joining Courage is an excellent idea. A support group of your peers will go a long way to help you deal with this issue. Hang in there! It won’t be easy, but it can be done and YOU can do it! :thumbsup:


Of course I sin. If you think I’m judgmental that’s you’re business, but I’m not judging you, I’m trying to get you to see reality. Nothing you describe sounds loving, or what real love is. It sounds like lust, desire & infatuation. I’m trying to get you to open your eyes and see things as they are. You have children you need to protect, and a husband you pledged a lifetime to before God. You are a child of God and Satan is trying to destroy your family. Please see what is happening before two families blow up before your eyes -then you will see what kind of pain really comes from this in the eyes of your children. By all means join Courage, I think that’s a fantastic idea. But also cut this woman out of your life. Make this sacrifice for your children, your husband and your marriage.


rayne I’m sorry but that is not a loving reply. What a different gospel it would be if Jesus had taken this tone with the prostitutes and tax collectors He saved from stoning and ate with. But he did say: go and sin no more.


every confession wipes you clean! We all struggle and the saints are just the sinners who fall down and get up! Do everything in your power (as others have said) to be free from sin. Only G-d knows your heart, only He can judge you. You are in my prayers.


:slight_smile: you’ve got me curious … Jewish background?



No :slight_smile:

but I have a few Jewish friends and I think the idea of writing His name that way to show respect is really cool.


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