Female Japanese friend on love

  1. My female Japanese friend told me that
    Love is “I think of him more than me”.
    If she marries someone, she would divorce the guy if the guy betrays her even if she has kids.
    She said, the promise during the wedding day she says to her groom doesn’t really have a strong power and she is ok with breaking it.
    She said marriage is a passing point, not a goal.
    She said the only true love that exists is love for the children. If her children DOES ask her to not leave, she won’t divorce.
    She thinks women who continue to love a man that betrays are stupid.
    How would you guys comment/respond?

  2. How would you guys explain Chastity to an atheist? She doesn’t seem to think that being unchaste is bad or has negative side effects and she said she is happy.


The whole purpose of wedding vows is for the difficult times. People are weak and they will make mistakes, but everybody deserves a second chance. So if a husband betrays his wife, or vice versa, the grace of the Sacrament of marriage is supposed to help them through the crisis.

Japanese will see marriage as more of a legal union, and not as a sacrament. Your friend will likely end up being divorced because her attitudes lean that way.

As for chastity, if you speak of your own desire to be pure, you will find these people are deeply troubled by their unchastity and will not want to hang out much with you.


She told me she marries a man whom she trusts. If she can’t trust, she won’t love. Chastity seems to not be of love, cause there seems to be the aspect of not trusting your spouse (due to higher self control), why marry someone you don’t trust so much, she said.
Maybe she thinks that… being pure for now, for higher trust and self control in the end seems like a joke? You seem to not trust your spouse from the start.

I told her, is trust the same as love? Somehow I don’t understand the way she thinks.

What do you think? and can you explain what you meant by “deeply troubled by their unchastity”, Lara?


I think there are many reasons why fornication is forbidden:

  1. if a child would arise from the union, it would be at a severe disadvantage;

  2. erotic love takes years of cultivation in order to reach its depth of intimacy;

  3. erotic love is jealous, and multiple partners fragments oneself between different partners, making it harder to reach that intimacy which one really desires with another.

Remember, sins of lust are ultimately in vain, they seek the intimacy of sexual relations in ways that are actually in conflict with it. Vice are internalized contradictions, they never lead to a full and lasting happiness.


I want to say less than 1% of Japan is Christian?

Basically, you live Shinto, and you die Buddhist.

Polygamy was common in Japan up until the mid-20th century; it was only outlawed in 1945.

Have you read any of the nikki diaries? Like, especially, the Kagero Nikki? (aka The Gossamer Years in its English translation.) It’s an insight into what historical Japanese marriages used to be like-- when you weren’t the most desired wife. So in this one, the Mother of Michitsuna talks about her struggles as a secondary wife.

Women wouldn’t pair off and go live with the husband in one big happy family. Women would continue to live with their own families and raise their children-- and their husbands would visit them when they felt like it. If memory serves, I want to say that marriage occurred when a man would visit a woman three nights in a row. Or something like that. Divorce or separation would happen when a man stopped visiting a woman.

So here, the Mother of Michitsuna stays at home with Kaneie no Fujiwara’s son… and Prince Kaneie is visiting other women. His visits start off with great frequency, but they dwindle… and dwindle… and dwindle. And she has to come to grips with it, despite her worries about their son’s status. And she eventually adopts another one of Kaneie’s daughters-by-another-woman.

So, that was the culture a thousand years ago. Things have become very Westernized in the last 75 years (150 years?), but it hasn’t become Christianized.

And the two things are very, very distinct…


I can’t really understand your English.

But to clarify, say she says chastity is not important. And you say, “Yes it is. I intend to be a virgin for my wife on the wedding day.” Now you have set a standard, which she will think about. She will always remember that there is one person who has that standard.


Thank you so much for the new knowledge you gave me about the history. I was just thinking why she thinks she is happy. I wanted to understand that.


That was the closest to being right in all you said that she believes. Marriage is to want the best for the other persona nd as a Christian Catholic to want them to make it to Heaven.


She said whether i am a virgin or not it wouldn’t matter for her. She is what she is, I am what I am she said. I think I’m starting to get the reason behind her saying that she’s happy. Perhaps because she never lived another option. Thank you so much for answering!


True true I realized, her answers were because she is not God-centered that’s why.


She is from an entirely different culture and background and may never have been exposed to God in any way shape or form. Hopefully your Christian example can encourage her to see there is a much better way to live.


Amen, I’ll try my best! Prayers always kay! Thank you sibling in Christ!


She says she is happy so I would recommend leaving her alone.

All the best!


I think the more we love Christ, the more we wouldn’t leave the sheep He would pursue. I’ll just keep living my Catholic life and pray for her, I’ll never give up on her and I’ll also learn from her good qualities and hopefully go to Heaven myself.


I mean with regard to what she believes and how she thinks. Would you like someone to foist their mind on yours?


I see, yuph I won’t force the idea on her. I’ll just pray for her and continue doing my best with my own salvation. Sorry for having misunderstood your post. I appreciate the encouragement. Gbu Sedona!


Oh— another thing that I run into with my culturally-Japanese friends.

In American culture, the individual has become the building block of our society. What do I want? What do I feel? What do I think?

In Japan, the individual is subservient to the group. So it’s not what’s best for the individual, but rather, what’s best for the family. The individual’s goals and desires are of secondary importance compared to what’s best for the family, or the group, or society.

You can imagine a circle with a dot in the middle of it. You’re the dot, and your family is the circle that’s closest around you. Those are your Most Important People. It’s not your Most Important Person-- like your husband-- but it’s your Most Important People-- like your family.

Everything “outside” the circle is going to be everything else. You’ll bend over backwards for your Most Important People, but the individuals who are “outside” will always be “outside”, and they can live or die for all you care— but your “inside” people will always be connected with passionately strong ties, whether they’re blood family, or adopted family, or whatever. The same thing can be true for your country-- it all depends on what scale you’re talking about.

So that’s where both those things come from: the scorn for a man who cheats (because he puts his selfish desires over the happiness and unity of the family) and the emphasis on the opinions of her children (because their happiness with a flawed father is more important than her personal desire to kick him to the curb).


You seem to have a really broad horizon. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. She does have selflessness just she lacks God huh. If Christ is in her life, I think she can truly love her husband to the full and wouldn’t find women who get betrayed but still love to be stupid. I think it’s because she seems to be living inside her bubble, and ignoring other facts that are happening around the world that prove God exists and that He has revealed Himself.


We all take stuff for granted, until we have something to contrast it with. :slight_smile:

We take Christianity for granted, because it’s our default worldview. Even in our modern secular society, it’s been historically flavored with Christianity until relatively recently. But when we run into a culture that is distinctly non-Christian-- whether we’re talking about Saudi Arabia, or China, or Japan, or India-- we have to stop and see things through a non-Christian filter and realize they don’t do x, because they don’t have a grounding in y.

A lot of the things we take for granted that “nice” people do don’t make a whole lot of sense if you don’t have a Christian worldview. We’re so used to it, we don’t realize how radical Christianity really is… :slight_smile:


I see. So true. I just thought, how can she be happy outside of what God thinks is best for her. God can’t be wrong but she seemed to think she is happy. I feel like she is forcing herself to be strong or is she hiding something, or that she feels proud of herself for having slept and wanted by many men. What do you think?

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