fiance and i just had a huge fight and im in need of help!


#1

we just had a HUGE fight! he went to the court house to pay a ticket and he ended up paying more than he had too, 75.00 MORE! thats a lot of money to us, we are SO beyond broke! i got so angry at him for not standing up and saying that what they were doing was wrong and not demanding to see the judge or the DA. he drives me crazy with this stuff, he REFUSES to make a fuss about anything.

he wont complain in a restaruant he just pays bills even if they are higher than usual. It irritates me, he wont even fight with ME! he maintains a low voice he never gets angry over anything. even when his friend said something hateful to me, he just stood there and said nothing till 2 days later, over the phone! i wish he would be a LITTLE more aggresive, and stand up for himself a little more! i dont know what to do!

how do i bring this to his attention without hurting his feelings and get my point across, we have two different temper levels, mine is hard headed southern firecracker volitle, and his is calm and maintained. i CANT STAND THIS! please help!


#2

Tar, this aspect of your fiance will not change. This is who he is, no matter what you, his mother, father, sister, or brother say.


#3

yep - this will not change - so ask the Lord to change you to acceptance of this part of his character.


#4

Bit of advice from a battle scarred old married woman - finances cause the most fights. In fact, I don’t think my husband and I have EVER fought about anything else :slight_smile:

Please, get on the same sheet financially BEFORE you get married! Some people are good with money, some are not. Some of us handle money much better than others. If you both work, and both contribute, perhaps 3 checking accounts are in order. One for the household expenses, and then discretionary funds for each of you. Has helped some people avoid fights. In my family, for years I had to just take over everything - he did not carry a credit card, debit card, anything. It just took him years to learn how to manage money. So, he learend. Nothing against my husband, he is better than I at other things, so, we balance each other out.

I’m here to listen if you want to vent, pm me. Kage


#5

At first I was going to say that my father in law was like that. He was not one to complain about anything, was rather calm, and whatever ill came his way he accepted it and united it to the sufferings of Christ. He be gone for 16 years now and that was actually a trait of his that I admired because I am somewhat volatile, but not from the south. The line I quoted above is what bothered me. My father in law would never let anyone say something hateful or disrespectful about his wife, children, or his daughters in law. He would immediately correct the person gently, but he would not tolerate it at all. Liliyofthevalley is correct, that is who he is and that aspect will not change. Don’t think that you can change this - as someone who has been married for 26 years many people waste time and energy trying to change another -it doesn’t work. The question that you have to answer is am I willing to accept this aspect?


#6

A last bit of advice (and this will be hard to do) - go to him and say “honey, I’m sorry I blew up at you.” NOT to sound mean, but, unless you were right there in the courtroom with him, it is not really fair to arm chair quarterback the decisions he made. So, hard as it is, apologize. And next time, go with him!


#7

the one aspect that truly drives me crazy is with his father. his dad ALWAYS butts in to our business especially with our finances. he puts money in our account without us asking, and feels it necessary to check our account constantly and call if he doesnt like whats going on with it. i want him to tell his dad to butt out, however his dad is helping us pay his COBRA right now and we need that help otherwise we would drown. is it right to accept help in one way but to get angry when i feel hes getting to nosy. im afraid hes gonna try and tell us what cars to buy, what home to buy or when to have kids and how many. how do i handle that situation?


#8

Be careful what you wish for. Aggressive behavior may cause more problems than you were wanting. Although it is natural for a women to want her man to stick up for her and himself, don’t fail to see the simplistic beauty of calm words and ways. He probably wont change, and he doesn’t need to. You have to love him for him, just as he loves you for you. Don’t be with someone you feel you have to change to be happy with. It will never work!


#9

[quote=TarAshly]the one aspect that truly drives me crazy is with his father. his dad ALWAYS butts in to our business especially with our finances. he puts money in our account without us asking, and feels it necessary to check our account constantly and call if he doesnt like whats going on with it. i want him to tell his dad to butt out, however his dad is helping us pay his COBRA right now and we need that help otherwise we would drown. is it right to accept help in one way but to get angry when i feel hes getting to nosy. im afraid hes gonna try and tell us what cars to buy, what home to buy or when to have kids and how many. how do i handle that situation?
[/quote]

i understand your concern, and am sympathetic to your plight…

what will you do…?


#10

[quote=TarAshly]the one aspect that truly drives me crazy is with his father. his dad ALWAYS butts in to our business especially with our finances. he puts money in our account without us asking, and feels it necessary to check our account constantly and call if he doesnt like whats going on with it. i want him to tell his dad to butt out, however his dad is helping us pay his COBRA right now and we need that help otherwise we would drown. is it right to accept help in one way but to get angry when i feel hes getting to nosy. im afraid hes gonna try and tell us what cars to buy, what home to buy or when to have kids and how many. how do i handle that situation?
[/quote]

The BOTh of you can have a nice pleasant but firm talk with Dad. You can be firm and tell him how much you love and appreciate his help, but after you get married, this will be a private matter between your husband and you. Then he will no longer have access to your account.
Will you be needing to set up a new bank account anyways with joint money? Maybe that is a great excuse to financially “breakaway”.


#11

[quote=TarAshly] It irritates me, he wont even fight with ME! he maintains a low voice he never gets angry over anything. i wish he would be a LITTLE more aggresive, and stand up for himself a little more! i dont know what to do!

how do i bring this to his attention without hurting his feelings and get my point across, we have two different temper levels, mine is hard headed southern firecracker volitle, and his is calm and maintained. i CANT STAND THIS! please help!
[/quote]

You sound exactly like my husband and I…it is eerie, lol. We had a lot of fights about this very issue for the first few years of our marriage (and pretty much the whole time before our marriage).

I want to address your last comment/question:

we have two different temper levels, mine is hard headed southern firecracker volitle, and his is calm and maintained.

Now, it sounds like you would really love for him to change and be more like you… but do you see any value in becoming more like him as well?

I have your personality, and my husband has your fiance’s. I can tell you from experience that you will never change him… especially by using your “hardheaded firecracker” approach, lol.

I have learned alot from my husband in these 5 years of marriage, but the biggest thing I learned was that I am not always right, and my way is not the only way or the best way. It’s been a very tough lesson to learn.

Do we still have disagreements? DEFINITELY!!! Do we still have fights? DEFINITELY!!! But our attitudes have changed towards eachother.

I can totally understand your point about being broke and him spending more money than neccesary because he didn’t do what you would have done. And I can almost bet that he wishes he could stand up for himself more and be more like you…

BUT, he is never going to admit that with you rubbing it in his face when he makes a mistake. He will probably get very defensive and deliberately NOT stand up for himself next time just to spite you. Trust me, this can get ugly fast.

The best thing for you to do right now is find a way to vent your frustrations without doing it to/at him. Use these message boards if you have to…

Then you need to calmly have a conversation with him… you need to get on the same page and set some financial ground rules. This would also be a good time to set some “if someone says something bad about me you need to say something” rules.

But remember that marriage is an equal partnership. Even though he may seem to need a “mommy”, you have to be his wife. Once I realized that I was acting more like a mother than a wife and took steps to correct it, things got much better.

I hope this helps you in some way. Feel free to PM me if you’d like to chat

Malia


#12

[quote=TarAshly] is it right to accept help in one way but to get angry when i feel hes getting to nosy. im afraid hes gonna try and tell us what cars to buy, what home to buy or when to have kids and how many. how do i handle that situation?
[/quote]

As long as his father is providing financial support, it is close to the my house/my rules thing. Do what you can to become financially independent from dad. Take a second job to pay off the bills, whatever it takes - three involved in marital finances is not pretty. It is kind of a eating your cake and having it too situation.

I know this is a burden for you! Take a breath, and make a plan to get free from dad’s purse strings. You will be glad you did.


#13

we already have a joint account and my fiance gave his dad the info he needed to check it online. i feel almost spied on. its my money too i work as well, and i feel that his father has no right to see my fianancial situation even if it does involve his son. do you think after we get married it will be appropriate to ask his dad to stay out of it. in a nice way of course.


#14

[quote=TarAshly]do you think after we get married it will be appropriate to ask his dad to stay out of it. in a nice way of course.
[/quote]

Absolutely! I cannot even imagine allowing my parents or my in-laws access to our accounts. Not that I don’t love or trust them, but we’re a married couple dealing with our own finances and those finances are nobody’s business but ours.

Our parents have given us gifts of money and loans, but they give the money to us and we put it in the bank. Maybe if you allow your father-in-law to still help you out on occasion (not regularly, but for gifts), he won’t be upset at losing access to your account.


#15

Hello Tar,
My late husband was the sweetest man in the world, which is why I loved him. He was kind and accommedating. He never fought and was always helpful. He was not at all controlling and was always loving.

This very same personality trait made him just the same as your fiance. He was a sucker for a sales pitch and didn’t like to make waves. Very seldom was this a problem for me, but sometimes I wanted to scream, I’ll admit. A few times I got totally infuriated.

One thing I regret was not taking more gentle control of certain things. I’m not very controlling by nature so I didn’t take responsiblity for certain things. It wouldn’t have been any problem with him if I took control over certain things, but I didn’t because I was too passive.

My advise to you is to realize that in this marriage, since your husband is so easy going, it will be better for both of you if you are the one to take control of finances, bills etc. Also, you should kindly assert your better judgement into situations as they come up. There’s no reason why you can’t speak up at a restaurant. Just gradually take the reins, it sounds like he’ll be okay with it.

Learn to be assertive and speak for both of you. Read some books on assertiveness. Your fiance sounds like a dear, sweetheart, but he definately needs your help. But, don’t let things go to the point of you getting mad. It might take practice, but keep working at it. This type of man is extremely lovable though. :slight_smile:


#16

My wife and I are opposite in this regard. We have mutually agreed that she will be the hatchet man when have to deal strongly with a company. She is happy with this role and has a real talent for it. I help when needed, but I acknowledge her superiority in this.


#17

[quote=TarAshly]the one aspect that truly drives me crazy is with his father. his dad ALWAYS butts in to our business especially with our finances. he puts money in our account without us asking, and feels it necessary to check our account constantly and call if he doesnt like whats going on with it. i want him to tell his dad to butt out, however his dad is helping us pay his COBRA right now and we need that help otherwise we would drown. is it right to accept help in one way but to get angry when i feel hes getting to nosy. im afraid hes gonna try and tell us what cars to buy, what home to buy or when to have kids and how many. how do i handle that situation?
[/quote]

I think you’ve just defined in-laws :rolleyes: He probably will always offer advice wanted or unwanted. Let me tell you, after the wedding it’ll probably only get worse. Almost eveyone’s said it - you can’t change other people. You have to figure out whether or not you can accept it. If not, bail now, not later or at least postpone until all parties think they can live with some sort of decision.


#18

[quote=TarAshly]we already have a joint account and my fiance gave his dad the info he needed to check it online. i feel almost spied on. its my money too i work as well, and i feel that his father has no right to see my fianancial situation even if it does involve his son. do you think after we get married it will be appropriate to ask his dad to stay out of it. in a nice way of course.
[/quote]

Don’t wait until your married if you feel this is a non-negotiable for you.


#19

If your fiancee never changes (and he most likely will not) and he doesn’t stand up to his dad, can you live with those things for the REST OF YOUR LIFE?? If not, you need to rethink your relationship. We’ve done marriage prep and I can tell you, when couples come in thinking they can change the other person or live with big difficulties, they’re fooling themselves. —KCT


#20

i wonder also if this is just my problem. i grew up with such strong aggressive assertive males in my life that a kinder more gentler male seems like weakness to me. at the same time i love this side of him because he is my confidant, and my best friend, he always makes me laugh and he is so loving and gentle. its a double edge sword. i want both sides of him and i cant have that. but i would never EVER doubt the love i have for him or the love he has for me. is there some sort of compromise between having the testosterone loading alpha male and the kinder gentler kind. i have seen him become aggressive only once. at a bar a guy was “manhandling” me and he shoved the guy around a bit, until the security broke it up. so i know he’ll always protect me. i guess i just dont like to always have to be the attack dog.


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