My fiance had his bachelor party this past weekend. Most of the day was innocent fun…paintball, pizza, poker. He drank way too much, but he was around his family, and I trusted that everything would be fine. Late in the evening, he, his brother, his friend, and his sister’s fiance went out for some burgers. Somehow they ended up at a strip club (apparently he didn’t put up too much of a fight when they drove him there). He told me about it the next day and admitted that they had bought each other lap dances. He apologized profusely, believes that it was wrong, and wants to use this as a springboard to make changes in his life in regards to alcohol. I don’t know what to do now.
Some background…we’re both almost 30 years old, we’re getting married at the beginning of July, we’ve been together almost two years, we’re both practicing Catholics, we don’t cohabitate or have premarital sex (although he had sexual relationships before he met me), we’ve already gone through all of our marriage preparation classes and retreat, and we’ve voluntarily taken Theology of the Body courses twice. Basically, we’re what people would call a “good Catholic couple.”
My fiance rarely drinks, but there have been a few times in the past when he has drunk too much when out with friends and started saying “jerky” things (calling people gay, making fun of people of other races, etc.). When I let him know that I was not okay with that, he made changes, and the behaviors stopped (not just because of me-he thought it was wrong too). I just don’t want responses where people say he’s an alcoholic, because he’s definitely not. He knows that on those rare times when he does drink, it has the potential to cause him to be a person he doesn’t want to be…that’s why he wants to make changes now (like not drinking at all).
Obviously I’m angry, disappointed, and disgusted. I’m also embarrassed that I’m engaged to someone who would treat me in this way. He knew how I felt about strip clubs, and I thought he felt the same way. I consider this a form of cheating on me. I don’t know how to forgive him, or even if I should. I truly do believe he is sorry and will make changes because of this; I just don’t know if I can ever move past this and trust him again.
To throw another kink in it all, he currently flies out of town on Sunday evenings and back into town late Thursday nights for work, so we only are together in person on the weekends. Otherwise, our relationship consists of phone calls and e-mails (this new position only started in November-we haven’t always been long-distance). So I haven’t even seen him since this happened, and I won’t see him until Thursday night.
Postponing the wedding is not an option. I don’t think not marrying him is the answer either. I do love him. I just need to know how to forgive him (if it’s possible) and how to rebuild the trust we once had. How do I move past the anger and hurt? Please help.