After my spouse's brush with infidelity, her denials, continued contacts with her would-be lover and blaming it all on me, I moved out for four months last year. I hated being away from the kids. People have asked me, "Why didn't you make HER move out?" That didn't work when I asked. She wasn't going to leave. Nothing really changed while I was away. Nothing attitude-wise changed until she received my final act of resistance to her behavior -- the separation filing. "Why didn't you just file for divorce," was her question. I said I had the tiniest hope that things could change and that I still loved her. She said she still loved me too.
She said she would "never do anything in our marriage that would condemn her soul." She's also never talked to our pastor about what went on, nor spoken with a friend who is a nun who offered to counsel with her. In the meantime, I find out she's telling friends the marriage is over.
I'm back to not sleeping at night because I awake with such misgivings, the anger, the betrayal. I've mentioned that here before. Now she added that her affair was my fault.
I recently found a book that spoke to carrying on with your marriage vow even after your spouse has left you. The book really spoke to me, but I believe its audience was for those left behind by uncommitted spouses. I wonder if I can finalize JUST my separation, so I can separate at least our physical lives, while still living at home and caring for the kids.
I need to find a way to resolve my place in her duplicity. I have a friend who recently lost his wife after many years of disease. He cared for lovingly until the end. There's a big part of me that would love her, but does not want to be a part of her.
I spoke to a counselor a couple months ago who asked if I "wasn't religious" would I still be married to her. I said likely not. I'm at a point where I don't want to build anything in my life that involves building something around her. The counselor also told me that if we had come to her for marriage counseling she would have made it clear that my spouse could not continue to be in contact with her would-be lover. She could not understand our prior counselor not reacting to that continued relationship. It continues today, with texts, and small gifts.
So, can one serve one's marriage vow after filing separation? My loving friend told me I shouldn't think that I can find the grass looking greener elsewhere. I couldn't convince him that all I am searching for is some measure of peace and personal integrity.