Finding a Catholic Spouse


#1

Greetings everyone!

My 24th birthday is fast approaching, and I’ve recently been feeling that urge to start a family. Though it isn’t spoken of much in our culture, men do have biological clocks and mine is fast ticking. I’ve pretty much removed myself from the dating scene in the last couple of years as my studies have become a prime priority. I’m a Ph.D. candidate at a Jesuit university studying neuroscience, so my proverbial plate is rather loaded. Nevertheless, the longer I wait, the more I feel that I’m letting opportunity pass me by. Besides, I only have about a year or two to go until I earn my doctorate and can start on my career.

I’ve seen first hand the troubles and setbacks of an interfaith marriage, so I cannot settle for anything less than a valiant, Catholic wife, but there aren’t many women my age in my parish. I only know of three, one of which is already married, one is a lesbian, and the other has plans on becoming a nun. So where does that leave me?

I don’t mean to reduce romance and marriage to something so mechanical as searching for a sale or buying a piece of equipment, but I’m genuinely curious how a Catholic might be able to maximize his opportunities. What are some good ways of meeting single, Catholic women looking to settle down? It’s so hard these days to find women who share the same values as I have.

Thanks for any help you can offer. :slight_smile:


#2

Greetings. Nice to meet you.

I’ve seen first hand the troubles and setbacks of an interfaith marriage, so I cannot settle for anything less than a valiant, Catholic wife, but there aren’t many women my age in my parish. I only know of three, one of which is already married, one is a lesbian, and the other has plans on becoming a nun. So where does that leave me?

Oh, well, don’t I know the problem. :wink:

I don’t mean to reduce romance and marriage to something so mechanical as searching for a sale or buying a piece of equipment,

How well put. Yeah, I agree.

but I’m genuinely curious how a Catholic might be able to maximize his opportunities. What are some good ways of meeting single, Catholic women looking to settle down? It’s so hard these days to find women who share the same values as I have.

Thanks for any help you can offer. :slight_smile:

Some people try Catholic dating websites. There’s a lot of reservations against “online dating” and many of them are well-substantiated, but there’s nothing so out of order in merely getting some co-ords and that’s how one can use a website like that (spot, lock-on-target, engage via normal means). Others go to singles’ events of various kinds. Some just “fish” in such environments where eligible Catholic men or women are likely to be (all sorts of ministries, initiatives, courses etc.).

I would be cautious with initiating full-scale operations before your Ph.D. is finalised or at least the procedure is beyond the point when you still have much to do. This is basically what I’m trying to do now, that is, use the winter to get done with my Ph.D. dissertation and then go back to the hunt.

What else? Generally, the first principle of hunting is thinking like your victim. So imagine you’re a tasty prey and think where you would go, how you would disguise yourself, what you would to do hide from a hunter.


#3

Hi there, I met my wife 16 years ago (when I was almost 23 yrs old) at a church-run weekend retreat. Our parish priest invited me to it and I almost passed on going as I felt I had other things to do. I missed out on the previous retreat (and so did my wife) and we met on this one that we both were able to attend. I went there with a inkling that I may make some friends there and ended up meeting my future wife. Based on this, the only suggestion I can make is to maybe be involved with the church in some way and keep your focus on God. You never know what he may have in store for you one day.


#4

Take a number and get in line :smiley: :D.

Part of the problem is that the valiant unmarried Catholic women you seek (or, shall I say, we seek) are rarer and rarer these days, and that you will often face indifference or hostility from some quarters even here at CAF. The only further advice I would offer is to hang around Catholic activities, including Newman Centers (although I cannot guarantee the valiancy of teh women there), or, to increase your chances of orthodox Catholic women:

  1. Young adult groups at orthodox Catholic parishes (like those run by Opus Dei)
  2. Traditional Latin Mass
  3. If there is a National Catholic Singles Conference near you, look into that, although in my experience the average age of attendees is in the 30s. However, at least there you won’t have “single vocation” shoved down your throat to shut you up, and there are social mixers.

#5

First of all, slow down. You are 24 and yoru biological clock is NOT ticking.

Take time to meet the right person for you. Take the time to get to know someone well. Take the time to enjoy you singleness and to build your relationship with God, too.

When you complete university studies, will you be moving to a new city? You may meet someone then.

If you feel compelled to be looking now, then I would suggest the variety of things mentioned above-- retreats, young adult groups, etc, and also www.avemariasingles.com

I met my husband on Ave. But we lived across the country from one another, so it took great committment to the process to build our relationship and get to know one another.


#6

You are only 24, isn’t the average age of marriage for men around 30?

I wouldn’t worry too much, you are male which means you are rare. Walk in any church and the majority of people there are women.

I would try Church activities (maybe different parishes), retreats, volunteering at charities, Catholic dating sites.

It’s true that conservative Catholics of both genders are rare, but it seems to me at least that men are much rarer than women.


#7

Don’t know, but probably not much younger. I’ve only known two guys married by 25. Not so long ago (and possibly still now), in the practice of canon law, at least for women, 26 qualified as serious difficulties in finding a partner, enabling dispensations more easily. Don’t know if it applied (or applies) to men. Peak of reproductive form is around age 19 for men.

Conservative in any way is hard to find. I remember hitting zeroes on dating site searches after specifying politically conservative at not much better with moderate.


#8

Well, just to let you know, single conservative catholic women DO exist. My catholic girlfriends and I often wonder where you guys are! :). So where do catholic women hang out?? Well, we go to mass, we’re involved in pro-life organizations, we attend catholic adult groups. We volunteer. I’m sure that if you start attending ANY of these you’ll be able to meet someone since most of these events are swamped with single catholic women and almost no men from my experience.


#9

I'm 32 and unmarried. And my biological clock certainly isn't ticking.

Always keep your eyes open, but don't stress about it.


#10

Amen to that. 30 and ditto.

This is the second or third post I’ve seen where people are “worried” about marriage and having babies when they are still in their early-mid twenties.

What is going on? Get a grip people!


#11

I think as a man you will have a much, MUCH easier time finding a good woman to court/ date/ marry. Most of my female Catholic friends often lament that there are no decent Catholic men out there, and I have to say I sort of agree.

But really, you’re 24- you have a TON of time left to find someone or discern a different vocation.


#12

I’d also say don’t totally rule out those of us women who may be of another faith. My fiance and I met 5 years ago and at the time I was Lutheran. I thank God every day that we met and he gave me a chance. He was and is a very conservative Catholic, and I was a struggling Lutheran having just left for college.
Within a year of us dating, I knew I was meant to become Catholic. And so I did. So now we’ve been together for all those 5 years and will be married next year.

I now am an conservative Catholic, and darn proud of it! So, really, don’t rule all other faiths out. There are some women out there that God will call Home. :slight_smile:


#13

Get active at your parish!!! Read the bulletin and start participating in activities!
Volunteer where ever you can... teach Religious Education... put yourself in situations where you know you'll encounter people of your faith. This doesn't mean you'll meet your future wife right away... but you may meet her sister, or her mother, or her best friend who's already married! :) Connections *within *the faith are the way to meet someone! :thumbsup:


#14

[quote="xixxvmcm85, post:1, topic:177131"]
Greetings everyone!

My 24th birthday is fast approaching, and I've recently been feeling that urge to start a family. Though it isn't spoken of much in our culture, men do have biological clocks and mine is fast ticking. I've pretty much removed myself from the dating scene in the last couple of years as my studies have become a prime priority. I'm a Ph.D. candidate at a Jesuit university studying neuroscience, so my proverbial plate is rather loaded. Nevertheless, the longer I wait, the more I feel that I'm letting opportunity pass me by. Besides, I only have about a year or two to go until I earn my doctorate and can start on my career.

I've seen first hand the troubles and setbacks of an interfaith marriage, so I cannot settle for anything less than a valiant, Catholic wife, but there aren't many women my age in my parish. I only know of three, one of which is already married, one is a lesbian, and the other has plans on becoming a nun. So where does that leave me?

I don't mean to reduce romance and marriage to something so mechanical as searching for a sale or buying a piece of equipment, but I'm genuinely curious how a Catholic might be able to maximize his opportunities. What are some good ways of meeting single, Catholic women looking to settle down? It's so hard these days to find women who share the same values as I have.

Thanks for any help you can offer. :)

[/quote]

DUDE!!! I appreciate your honesty! In all your study, have you ever read "Love and Responsibility" by Karol Wojtyla? The sacrament of Marriage is a vocation, a calling. It is a vocation to be a GIFT OF YOURSELF to your bride. Do you feel a calling in your heart to love a woman and give yourself up for her? Please don't take this lightly. Not everyone is called to the sacrament of marriage. A woman deserves to be loved and wanted because she is a unique and unrepeatable person. Not because she meets a criteria.

An inner need to determine the main direction of one's development by love encounters an objective call from God. This is the fundamental appeal of the New Testament, embodied in the commandment to love and in the saying "be ye perfect," a call to self-perfection through love. This summons is addressed to everyone. It behooves every "man of good will" to give it concrete meaning, in application to himself, by deciding what is the main direction of his life. "What is my vocation" means "in what direction should my personality develop, considering what I have in me, what I have to offer, and what others -- other people and God -- expect of me?"

From Love and Responsibility, 1959, Karol Wojtyla

There are many valiant Catholic women who are also seeking valiant Catholic marriage minded men at Catholic dating websites like Catholicsingles.com, CatholicMatch.com, and AveMaria.com.


#15

WRONG. According to CCC 1603, the vocation to marriage is written into our very nature. The only question is whether we are called to something other than marriage, i.e., “virginity for the sake of the kingdom”, which the CCC further qualifies as priestly ministry or consecrated life.


#16

[quote="kib, post:11, topic:177131"]
I think as a man you will have a much, MUCH easier time finding a good woman to court/ date/ marry. Most of my female Catholic friends often lament that there are no decent Catholic men out there, and I have to say I sort of agree.

But really, you're 24- you have a TON of time left to find someone or discern a different vocation.

[/quote]

I'm 36. Single. Male. Never married. Finding eligible Catholic women is impossible. Is there still time for me?

I have come to the conclusion (fairly or unfairly) that the Catholic Church simply doesn't care about all the singles - many of whom, like myself, simply ditch the Church for more fellowship elsewhere because the isolation and being treated like a 'second-class citizen' is simply too toxic and too unhealthy for me. **Dogs get treated with more respect than single Catholics...! **(There are pet blessings at a lot of parishes, but never any special masses said for the intention of singles.)

If I ever do get married, it's incredibly unlikely it would be to a Catholic women. They simply don't exist: they're all either married or lesbian. And slimmer odds each passing year: I heard some guy on Kresta's radio show raving about how preferable it is for Catholic singles to be married young (before 30), and I nearly fell out of my chair. What's that guy smoking?* Before 30?* Ha-! Too funny.

Since very few (if any) Catholic parishes seem care about singles, it would be nice if they would help subsidize membership to AMS or CatholicMatch or other web sites that pick up the slack where these parishes have failed miserably.

Singles, particularly those of us 30+, are the 'black sheep' of the Catholic Church. That's the inconvenient truth of it that very few people want to acknowledge. We simply want to put pretty names on it like "vocation" and "keep praying," but all the while single Catholics remain second-class citizens. Jesus would never have treated us this way, and neither would have Peter or Paul or any of the early Church fathers.

If there are no decent Catholic men, that's because we have all been pushed out of the parishes to make way for the seniors and parents and kids and "Protestant-style entertainment" LifeTeen masses. The decent Catholic men certainly don't leave Catholic churches so nonchalantly. It's not rocket science. Time and time again, I explain why, only to be told "you don't go to Catholic church to be entertained" - a tsk-tsk from which teens and their iPod/Tweeted LifeTeen masses seem to be magically exempt. (I don't even want to be entertained - I simply want a Catholic wife...!)


#17

I'm 35 /female and a practicing singe Catholic. Yes, we do exist.


#18

And the irony is, the parishes need the single people to help with the activities. My parish is desperate for people to help with Religious Ed, running youth group, Peace and Justice. They finally realized that they need people who don’t have tons of children, who have the time to participate. But they realized it too late, I’m the only single person left, and I’m moving out of state soon. :smiley: My parish is dying out unfortunately. All the kids that people are having? Leaving the church. All that’s left are old people and middle age people. Oops.


#19

I agree with the catechism. How does that make my statement wrong? Our bodies were created with nuptial meaning, according to the catechism and according to John Paul II’s Theology of the Body. Still, if you read John Paul’s writing that I quoted, not all have it “in them” to be “called” to married life. That’s just honest truth.


#20

Still haven’t converted my first Protestant yet! :stuck_out_tongue:

I’m no theologian, but logically it follows that not everybody’s obliged to seek marriage, not even in a polar scheme of either holy orders / consecrated virginity or marriage. This even though I’m against the singles culture. It does, however, mean that marriage is not a calling that arrives in the same way as the one to Holy Orders, to the point that calling to marriage may even be presumed. Someone correct me if I’m wrong.

Lay Catholics sometimes fall into the pattern of thinking that if you’re neither a priest nor a husband and father then something’s wrong with you, but I wouldn’t know if it being the view of priests, let alone bishops and the Pope. I’m pretty confident there’s a lot of informed lay Catholics who are capable of getting over that impression. Besides, often something is “wrong” with us unmarried Catholic men - to some extent, maybe not equal to the extent of difficulties we face. Simply put, social skills are a factor. Willingness to come out and participate in events or groups (my personal weakness, for instance), some others may be jaded, not caring to to be handsome, attractive etc. (our job is to pursue, but we too need to be attractive - notice the feathers on he-birds :p), then there’s the general communicational weakness of today’s society. A very small part of it all can at all be attributable to Catholic women - and in turn, a corresponding part of blame for Catholic men to bear would appear in the case of Catholic single women.


Dogs

  • get treated with more respect than single Catholics…! (There are pet blessings at a lot of parishes, but never any special masses said for the intention of singles.)**

Naww. I’m sure not. Tried asking the priest? Including the pets analogy?

Singles, particularly those of us 30+, are the ‘black sheep’ of the Catholic Church. That’s the inconvenient truth of it that very few people want to acknowledge. We simply want to put pretty names on it like “vocation” and “keep praying,” but all the while single Catholics remain second-class citizens. Jesus would never have treated us this way, and neither would have Peter or Paul or any of the early Church fathers.

There’s no truth to acknowledge, no mystery, no mystique, no plot, no ploy. We aren’t persecuted, either. Yes, we could use help. No, we don’t need affirmative action.

Since very few (if any) Catholic parishes seem care about singles, it would be nice if they would help subsidize membership to AMS or CatholicMatch or other web sites that pick up the slack where these parishes have failed miserably.

They’d better subsidise the poor children and marriages that can’t tie the knots. Singles have more discretionary income, even if they can’t split the bills (and splitting bills does not apply to stay home mothers). We have more discretionary time, too.

More from me later, but need to take a break right now. :wink:


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