Finding a future spouse?

Does anyone have advice on what has worked for them or for others in finding a spouse? I am a single woman in my early 20’s. I try my best to live my faith and actually follow the teachings of the church/Bible. I feel that I am being called to marriage/family life, I feel ready and capable of starting a relationship, I am financially stable ect. I can’t figure out why it is so difficult to find guys that actually try to live out their faith as well. I have joined Catholic young adult groups and been involved with Church-related activities. I feel a strong call and readiness for a relationship, yet I cannot find anyone to date. Does anyone have any advice for someone in my situation? I’ve been trying to keep praying and “have faith God will bring someone in my life” but after a life of singleness, it really is hard to keep thinking I will really find someone one day. Any input would be greatly appreciated!

Yeah…stop looking.:smiley:

I’m serious. People that are actively looking for a partner may not realize it, but can come across needy, overbearing, insecure, anxious, etc. It’s a complete turnoff for many men (such as myself). My wife was somebody that tried dating, and just gave up. She figured she’d never get married again. At that point, she became very confident in her manners, and very attractive to me. :smiley:

That said, for those wishing to get married don’t become a recluse. Become active in the community: Through your Church, your hobbies, even just jogging out in public…you WILL run into someone that you will get along with. And you’re young…be patient; you’ve got plenty of time.

WarriorMonk has a valid point. When we try too hard, we don’t come off well. People who have all these hobbies, interests, women friends, and activities come across much more interesting to a potential mate.

It’s sort of ironic, but some people compare it to trying to chase a butterfly. As long as you chase it, it will flee. Stop chasing, and it will often times come to you!

I’ve seen a similar phenomenon with people trying to have children. My brother adopted 2, and then had 2 of his own without even trying!

Here is a novena to St. Raphael I like to say every once in a while. It is for both you and your future spouse.

As to your concern for finding men to date - we are out there! Although with myself also being early twenties I have to say I sometimes find it hard to find good Catholic women to date. However, I also have had a habit of only looking for the “perfect woman” when of course there is no perfect woman. I will pray for you and your future spouse to find one another in the right time and to meanwhile grow in traits that will prepare you for marriage (please pray for the same thing for me, as well :wink: )

Don’t overlook groups and activities outside of the church community. I used to participate regularly in folk dancing (mainly Contra and Square dancing) in the Boston area, and it was at one of those dances that I met my wife, who is Catholic. People of many faiths (and non-faiths) gather to dance, but somehow, by grace or providence I suppose, we found each other.

Whatever activities you are interested in, go out and participate. What do you like to do? What interests you? Look for group activities that you can enjoy even if the right sort of fellow doesn’t happen to be there. Look for activities that both women and men are likely to enjoy; I might be stereotyping here, but, for example, hiking would work better than quilting ;). Try to get out at least once a week, or more often if you can manage it.

I’m praying for you. May the Holy Spirit assist and guide you always in your calling toward faith and love!

I started on my knee’s before the “Infant of Prague” meditating on old happy couples in the parish. Then I realized that I could not jump from my state to old and married. So, I got back on my knees meditating on people with strong marriages who were middle aged in front of baby Jesus. Again, it dawned on me that this leap was to great. I went to a wedding of a dear couple I meet in RCIA class and went to baby Jesus and meditated on this marriage. Still, nothing. I kept returning to baby Jesus singing silly songs in my mind and heart to Him. Finally, I thought, “Baby steps” … “Can I just have a good date, baby?” … Then I went for donughts and sat with a dear friend (she’s 84) who’s in many circles with me. She asked if a. Could play matchmaker. I asked if he was catholic, she said yes … And I said “yes”.

Now that I’m married to this man; and we have two beautiful daughters (2.66 & 1.5) I can only think that I was crazy to trust a baby toddler with my future . I love my husband & children with my whole heart, and feel the blessings … But I had no idea the true nature of a toddler … My RE coordinator reminds me that the Infant of Prauge is fully man and fully God which comforts me … But WOW, I understand what a toddler is now and I can only st and marvel at His pairing and my trust in a toddler (which is another story of how this has helped our little girls)

Keep praying to our Lord. He blessed me with my spouse after I poured my heart out to him. :yup: But here’s some practical advice you can do on your own. Ask everyone you know if they know anyone acceptable they can fix you up with. Most people know some lonely bachelor looking for a nice girl. Catholic Answers really should have a matchmaker section. Lots of people on here are looking for a spouse. :smiley:

I think the most important thing to do right now is work on yourself. Strive to become a woman who is worthy of the man you wish to marry.

“To a great extent the level of any civilization is the level of its womanhood. When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The higher her virtue, the more her character, the more devoted she is to truth, justice, goodness, the more a man has to aspire to be worthy of her. The history of civilization could actually be written in terms of the level of its women.”
-Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen

A lot of people aren’t actually looking for a spouse when they meet someone. You need to get to a point where you are comfortable with just being yourself. Where you feel that maybe you would like to marry someday but you don’t feel the need to marry (as if the husband is supposed to fill some void in your life). A husband is not your savior, Jesus Christ is! Grow closer to God first and if it is His will for you to marry, He will lead you to your spouse. In the meantime, you can work and serve your church and community Volunteer and do activities that you enjoy. God helps those who help themselves, so no one is likely to meet their spouse if they just sit at home and stay at their computer.

Someone suggested this in the Suggestion Box and I replied that I agree. CAF should have a dedicated singles and matchmaking forum. :wink:

In reading responses here in CAF and elsewhere, the most common advice are to work on oneself, don’t look for a perfect person, and don’t just stay at home and expecting that your future spouse would turn up.

While these are all true, I honestly don’t think that most people who want a spouse are looking for Mr./Ms. Perfect, and stay at home playing video games all day or eyes glued to the computer or tv and not leaving the couch save for eating and bathroom breaks

I think when people online go ask for advice how they could meet their spouse, it’s precisely because they seem to be doing the ‘right things’ (improving themselves, trying to meet people, not on the lookout for THE Perfect Partner, being happy with themselves), but haven’t met them yet. So they wonder what’s wrong? What are they doing wrong, or worse, what is wrong with me? Remember what people say about being confident in order to be attractive to others? When you doubt yourself you lose confidence. And if you’re not confident, how can you attract others (according to what some people say)? So it’s kind of a cyclical thing.

At any rate OP, you might want to join my group in my sig below, and let’s pray together. :)Our vocation (to marriage) is something to be really taken to in prayer. I know it’s not easy to wait and trust when things don’t seem to be happening, but we have to trust in God and in His will for us. I’m praying for you and your future spouse.

Join my group, Praying for our Future Spouse!

Fin, do the people in your prayer group exchange email address and try to meet each other in person? Maybe they should be encouraged to do so. Or is it against the rules? It seems crazy to me. Almost daily I see lonely hearts here seeking spouses, and I’m thinking “Why don’t they PM each other and try to get together? At least a phone call!” So much wasted potential here. Good luck to all in your group. I prayed for you. Peace! :slight_smile:

I met my wonderful devout husband through Catholic I misread his bio, thinking he was only looking for friends, not a future spouse. As a result, I was very relaxed when I met, thinking he just wanted to hang out with fellow Catholics. Our first date was a Catholic Healing service. Again, I was very relaxed because I could not imagine him being interested in someone eleven years older than he. By the third date he knew was “the one”.

Catholic Match has a good screening process. They have you answer seven questions on Catholic Faith and morals so you can meet people with similar beliefs.
They also have fora on several topics so you can get to know someone more in depth before meeting.

Another good feature is they have plenty of articles on Catholic dating and marriage.

So relax. I did not get married until I was forty-eight. You’ve got plenty of time.

Praying to St. Ann for you.


We don’t exchange email adds, and I’m unsure if that’s allowed as well (posting emails for the purpose of possible dating etc) . You’re absolutely right; it’s a great idea. I have a general idea of CAF rules, and I have exchanged emails with members via PMs.

BTW I have read your story of how you met your husband and I think it’s fantastic!:smiley:

Thank you all so much for your responses! (I’m not sure the best way to reply to people on here) but I really appreciate everything you all had to say and it helps me feel a little better. I guess I just have to keep praying and have hope…and stop looking. :slight_smile: Thank you all again

Learned thru many wake up calls from God to stop searching & being frustrated during the waiting. Currently striving to put Christ first above everything- it is then that experiences happen unexpectedly in His timing.

I suggest praying the Rosary, Divine Mercy chaplet, or a Novena (St. Raphael, etc) daily for guidance & support- Christ knows what’s best for us more than anyone & anything. Ultimately those of us called to married life between a man and a woman will not just marry our spouse someday, but also Christ who comes into union within marriage- He above all must come first, otherwise everything will demolish. We were created to love & serve Christ- giving Him praise & glory to build His kingdom. Striving to live out- “JOY: Jesus, Others, [then] Yourself,” 1 Corinthians 13, & Colossians 3: 1-17 will put things into perspective w/out the whining. Everything’s going to be okay.

Another suggestion to read~

Be the holiest person you can be. That means work with God on a regular basis – practice His presence. He should be your beloved, first and foremost. Then He will lead you where you need to be. Ask for what you need in His Name that your joy may be full.

Can you keep a job, and budget accordingly? Are you capable of building a nest-egg in anticipation of the crises that may develop (auto wrecks; mechanical failure of home systems; hospitalizations). How well do you practice self-control and empathy? You’re asking God for a human companion and soul-mate. You’re not only sharing living quarters, you’re sharing your lives.

Anyone thinking they have a vocation to marriage needs to have the cloister of the heart prepared. When spouse and kids come along, there will not be a lot of external time to pray, but your heart needs to be before the tabernacle. The heart is a throne room where He should be constantly honored.

And there is no better residence than the Sacred Heart of Jesus. Curl up there spiritually with complete confidence.


May you have better luck than I.

You’re in your 20s so you still have a good amount of time left. I’m 37 and the loneliness is nearly unbearable anymore.

Loneliness is a gift from God. There are many people who are married and lonely. Marriage does not cure lonliness, but adds responsability upon those entering marriage. This responsability is to get your spouce to Heaven. Those who cannot manage lonliness in the single life will face a harder time coping with lonliness within marriage. Might I suggest you adopt a soul and practice getting them to heaven while you wait for yours.

Loneliness is very unhealthy. When you have no one in your life to talk to, no one to care for you or you to care for. No one to give you a hug or even squeeze your hand, you realize that loneliness is not a gift at all.

Aren’t you the one that despises small talk?

Well if you are to go out and meet people, and get to know them, you’ve gotta start with the small talk. Bite the bullet and start talking. You can go on to more serious topics later on.

Otherwise, you’re stuck in the state of being alone.

Besides, if you find the one and you get married, chances are she may want to talk about topics which are trivial to you. What are you going to do then?

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