Finding a Wife

Hello Community,

As some of you might know, I posted a while back about my future wife.

Well, now I’m 18 and in college, and I’ve grown a lot, spiritually, since coming to college. Well, as you would expect, I’ve started looking for a wife, but I’m having a very difficult time connecting with anyone here. I don’t read social clues very well. I’m going to a small, orthodox Catholic college, and the students are really nice and spiritual, but I still feel a kind of perennial shallowness among the people. Again, they are very nice; they’re not bad people at all. But the lack of seriousness is really bothersome.

So I’m very lonely here, very lonely, I repeat, since I have no real friends among my peers here. I mean to say this with all humility, but, I know that I’m very smart. Everyone tells me that, and it is a blessing. The reason, though, is that especially in high school, where the drug problem and everything was so severe, I basically had to turn my back to the school (not in a hostile way, but I was the only really devout Catholic on the campus), and as a consequence, I have no idea about what others think of me, really.

Another problem I seem to have, is that I have a very austere spirituality. I fast regularly, I don’t masturbate or look at pornography or anything. It’s sad that people often don’t believe that it really is possible for a young male my age to that. I really want to marry very soon, and I do look forward to having children. Also, I really want to own a farm or something that requires physical work (I know, odd). I have no taste for mundane things, like movies or modern movies.

First, say a prayer for me, that God may provide me a wife without delay.

Second, are there any pretty young women my age who want the same?

From a geezerette: The main thing right now is that you are still very young. You have a lot of maturing to do and marrying right now probably would not be wise. Eventually things will sort themselves out and you will find a congenial bunch of people, but it will probably be by doing something for other people. That is where you learn to open your heart,which is needed for marriage, or for any kind of Christian life.

You are 18 and in college. If you marry “very soon,” how will you afford to support your new family? Also, I hope you aren’t giving off vibes that you are in search of a wife. That can come off a bit creepy.

I can get a job. Also, I remember Matt. 6:25-34.

Benedicat Deus

You plan on getting a full time job, go to school, and spend time with you new wife? Sweetie, you should already have a job before you pop the question. You aren’t even dating, it doesn’t seem. Plus, the first girl you date may not be the one you are going to marry. You should be more realistic about this. It is great that you want to have a family one day and you feel that it is a calling, but a wife isn’t going to fall in your lap just because you want one.

Why don’t you think that I can spend time with my wife and have a job. Also, I really don’t want a career, as you would think of it in the modern world (I don’t mean you personally). So if I get a job that can support my family, I would just drop out of school; while education is good, it isn’t everything either. Which would help financially. It isn’t as if I haven’t though about this. I understand that the first young woman I date may not be the one I’ll marry, you don’t need to tell me that. As to me not dating, I’m trying to find a young woman to date, but as I said above, the lack of seriousness among people (I can’t stress enough, that these are good people) is not something I can deal with.

Keep me in your prayers, and thank you for your responses,
Benedicat Deus

Your post sounds eerily similar to last Sunday’s gospel (in the ordinary form). The third paragraph is almost word for word in some parts. If Jesus, who is all-Holy and powerful lowers Himself to eat with tax collectors and sinners and even calls sinners like you and me “friends”, I think you can manage to befriend people who like “mundane” things. You may find that they aren’t as shallow as they seem . After all, human beings are created in God’s image – each one complex and beautiful in his or her own way.

As far as the wife is concerned, you may certainly pray for one, but God may or may not give her to you now or ever. He knows what is best for you and you should be ever listening for what He wants for you.


I’d set yourself some different goals for the near furture. You seem, by your account, to struggle socialising within your peer group, so I think you should focus on that for the time being. Making friends, getting to know different people, including people who view the world differently that you do; including people who are not as “devout” as you.

If you cannot do this, I forsee two key problems:

One - being able to meet a woman (more likely several women before you find the right one), get to know her, and eventually progress in a relationship towards marriage. If you are not able to appropriately socialise, you will never meet this woman.

Two - if you cannot relate well to people who have different viewpoints to yourself, you cannot have a successful marriage anyway. Marriage involves two people, and those two people need to work together, understand each other, make compromises, not judge each other or condescend. You need to develop these skills in general - general social skills - before you can hope to have a successful marriage.

At 18 years of age, you need not be in any rush. Enjoy your youth, work on your social skills, and be patient regarding your vocation.

I didn’t say that you couldn’t work and spend time with your wife. :rolleyes: Good grief, everyone works. It is just that I was under the impression that you would finish college, as well. Finishing college would be what I would advise. If you plan on having a family, a college degree would definitely help you out financially.
I don’t understand why you would think that people in their late teens and early twenties should be extremely serious, but most aren’t. Heck, most people, regardless of age, aren’t super serious people. When I was dating, I would expect it to be fun, not something very serious.
I find it a bit ironic that you think they lack seriousness, when you are the one who wants to marry asap, yet doesn’t have anyone in mind to marry and would be willing to quit school when you did find the one.
Honestly, the most responsible thing would be not to rush into a marriage. You should know the person for a while and then discern if marriage would be appropriate, not decide that you want to marry and be on the look out for a wife.

You’ve given me some food for thought. I only attend the Tridentine Mass on a regular basis, so I don’t hear the ordinary form readings often. I would however, note that I have/am trying to make friends, am coming along at it. I don’t mean to sound Pharisaical. So, I’m getting there. Really, I just need your prayers, and so I thank you.

Thank you for your thoughtful response,
Benedicat Deus

Hi, I would recommend waiting until you are a bit older to marry.
You might want to try Catholic Match on the Internet. It is a website for
Catholic dating. That is how I met my wonderful husband.

Catholic Match makes the posters answer seven questions about how closely one believes and follows the precepts of the Church. That way you can find other faithful Catholics like yourself.

Hi, I would recommend waiting until you are a bit older to marry.
You might want to try Catholic Match on the Internet. It is a website for
Catholic dating. That is how I met my wonderful husband.

Catholic Match makes the posters answer seven questions about how closely one believes and follows the precepts of the Church. That way you can find other faithful Catholics
like yourself.

I think you’re making a false dichotomy. G.K. Chesterton once said, “play is serious business”. I’m not a Puritan kill-joy. But I do feel when I’m talking to people, a real lack of depth, and it may very well be that I just don’t tap into it, and that is what bothers me. I am certainly up for fun anytime, but fun and serious are not opposites. Furthermore, while I understand your concern about the irony, and I will take that to heart, but I would say that I am honestly trying to find someone to date. Lastly, I never said that I would rush into marriage: I said I wanted to be married very soon; what I should have said is that I want to be happily married. I’m not going to just take the first girl I like. I’m not that unreasonable.

Thanks much for your thoughtful response,
Benedicat Deus

Thanks for your thoughts. I am seriously trying to get to know people, especially women, since I have harder time approaching women, although oddly, I feel more comfortable in female company than male. I am borderline Aspie in some areas (although I have been diagnosed professionally as not having Asperger syndrome (my prayers are with all those who do)), and so I seriously struggle to read social clues, not as in not knowing what they are, but seeing them in real life. So, the first point is coming along, and actually, when I think about it, quite well.

As far as the second point is concerned, it’s not a problem at all. In fact, I can often form a close bond with those whom I disagree with, since I love to debate (and I am good at it:)) So, I actually have no problem meeting people of different viewpoints, but, in looking for a wife, I’m not looking for a debate partner; I don’t want to have to debate every point, especially crucial ones, such as raising my children Catholic or something like that. So I am trying to find someone is of like mind.

Thanks very much for your thoughtful advice,
Benedicat Deus

I’ll consider your recommendation (and seriously, as well), and I have/am thinking about CatholicMatch or the like for searching for a wife.

Thanks very much,
Benedicat Deus

I should have been clearer and more cordial in my last post. I don’t think you are a pharisee (although it’s a perennial temptation for all of us who take our faith seriously). I think your heart is in the right place. It sounds like in the past you protected yourself from friends who really may have done some damage, and that is good. I think maybe in your effort to follow God you’ve let your view become somewhat narrowed. That’s not the worst thing in the world and certainly I think you’ve probably done well with your life.
I think a conservative Catholic college is the perfect place to open yourself up a bit and experience more things without having to worry so much about letting the bad in with the good. Go out and make some friends. Maybe even do some things with people that you might not enjoy very much so that you can forge some relationships. Have fun. Laugh! You may even like some of it more than you thought you would. The folks who take their faith seriously are there as well and I’m sure you’ll find plenty to befriend.

No worries, I’m not offended even if you though I was being a Pharisee. As if I’m in no need of reproof sometimes. I’m trying, and it’s coming along rather well, so I’m hopeful. I would do what I did in high school again if I had to, since the situation really was bad. And this was an Evangelical Christian school, too (I’m a convert to Catholicism; my parents and brother are still Protestants). I am trying to broaden my horizons, and so I’ve started attending many social events, and I am trying not to be so uptight.

Thanks again for your time and thoughtful responses,
Benedicat Deus

So what kind of job are you thinking about getting? What kind of job will you get that could support a family? Of course I am presuming that you plan on having children. Right?

And if you don’t plan on using a college degree, why are you in college?

I can say that I am not surprised that you have not found people serious enough for you. Generally people in college AREN’T looking for a spouse. They are interested in getting their degree. I am sure they are also interested in having some fun. They are young. They have their entire lives ahead of them. No reason to be so serious yet.

Thank you for your response.

As to what kind of job I can get, I leave to God, although I have already had some interesting offers by people. And I say this with all humility but, I know that I am good teacher. And I have actually been offered to teach in school, already. You ask, why am I in college. The answer: to learn! I plan on getting a degree, but if I marry and have a family, then that may change.

I’m not trying to be cynical, and I thank you very much for your thoughtful response,
Benedicat Deus

There’s actually a lot going on here.

To start, I think what you need are friends. If you’re 18 and really mature, which is what it sounds like, yeah, making friends with other 18 year olds can be tough. You may want to try making friends with some older folks.

I guess I was wrong.

Marriage: If you are sure you have this vocation, then the best thing I can tell you right now is not to rush things. I was pretty mature at 18 too and made it through a good chunk of my teen years with decent sexual discipline and it’s a good thing I didn’t marry the girl I liked because even though I wanted it badly, God made sure it didn’t happen and it’s good He did.

This woman seemed to have turned upside down since I knew her from Sunday school.

I don’t know what your dating experience is, but may be surprised at how far some religious women will go.

And frankly, a lot of these “Catholic” schools are hardly Catholic. Stuebenville and one small college in the middle of LA are what I’ve heard are pretty much the only good Catholic schools left.

If you’re going to attract a decent woman, you can’t worry about what other people think. You need to be confident, make decisions and not worry too much about the past.

Also, work on these social cues. If you’re mature, sometimes it’s harder to pick up on those, because teenagers and early twenties-folks can be two-faced. What will make you a strong person in the arena of relationships is not to get drug into the teen agnst or drama.

Finally, I will pray for you, but you MUST realize that** patience **is so important in finding a good wife! It takes a lot of discernment and there is no quick fix.

I daresay I feel the Holy Spirit when writing this too you-—take your time. Don’t be lazy about it, but do no rush things!

God Bless!


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