I have looked up a meeting. I said I was going to get back to Al-anon this year, with my major project out of the way. I’ll start again Tuesday.
That said, I’ve just learned of another couple instances in which it’s being made very clear by my family members that if I don’t toe the line, they’ll just push me out, and continue on, being the most wonderful, loving relatives ever to my kids…who of course then turn to me and say things like, “I’m sure you think those things happened…”
What I’ve just learned is that one of my siblings is spending a great deal of time with my daughters out of state, has done a major, huge, expensive thing for them…and once again, nobody, not even my daughters, mentioned it. And yes, I know, I wouldn’t have been too pleased to hear it, but all these years, when they tell me what they’re doing with their aunts and uncles, I have not had fits or done anything that would give them reason to say, “See, that’s why we don’t tell you.”
(In short, I got tired of abusive, ugly behavior, shouting, yelling, ugly words aimed at me, and refused to either be a doormat or get down in the mud and fight…so I walked away.)
What really hurts about it is that my siblings and parents have spoken about me in such a way as to harm my relationships with others. (I know this happens because enough people have come and told me over the years the outrageous and untrue things my mother says about me. I’ve seen my siblings talk about others they’re mad at.)
I posted about my nephew’s behavior last spring, his horrible rudeness to me. This is a boy who was dropped off on my doorstep for entire weekends, from the time I moved here 10 years ago when he was maybe 10. I’d come home and find him and his brother here, nobody had asked me or told me, their parents were off at hot tub parties, leaving no contact information. I treated him and his brother like my own children, they were always welcome, for days, entire weeks, no questions asked. They always seemed happy here, we had fun together, we seemed to enjoy each others company.
Yet because of the way he heard his mother, his aunts and uncles, and his grandparents talk, he came to see me through the alcoholic family lens, rather than through the lens of my own actions, and came to see by his family’s example, that it was acceptable to treat me any way he pleased.
What hurts…is that regardless of my sister’s explosions and ugliness, I have done nothing to harm the relationship between her and my children. I have not stopped them going to see her, I have not said a word against her. But my sister has made sure that her son learns to disrespect and hate me when I have done nothing to deserve this.
Some days, I really wonder how I can keep going. I see the same stories over and over from others on the adult children of alcoholic forums, so I know I’m not crazy. But this idea that ‘you teach others how to treat you…’ Well, I let them know very politely, but very clearly, that their treatment was not acceptable. I refused to be part of it. And it seems that they’re now determined to destroy every relationship I have in retaliation.
I’m starting back at al-anon Tuesday. But right now, I feel so hopeless that this will ever end. Right now I feel they’ll steadily turn all my children against me. My older daughter and son pretty much took my nephew’s part in his vulgar language. We did have a good Christmas, but they have made absolutely no attempt to talk to me since they went back to college last September, and again in January. My other daughter spent six months living with my parents before moving out of state, and she, too seemed friendly and happy here over Christmas, but doesn’t answer my texts. When does it end, and why doesn’t God give me some hope after 25 years of perpetual adoration, and family rosaries and fasting?