First year marriage issues


#1

HI everyone, I seem to always vent on here when I do post, but you offer rational and moral responses. Anyways, my wife and I have been married for a few months now (yeah, I know, first year, wooo). Anyways she got home from work at 1 last night while I was sleeping (I’m first shift, she’s second), and she seemed to only hound me on things, as if she was wanting to be upset, and then she makes me feel bad saying (I always seem to come home upset). I’ve tried talking to her about being negative, but it’s been happening more and more. She got into me a few nights ago over something, something small that I think she just wanted to bicker, to which I asked if that’s what she was trying to do and she remained quiet. I don’t think I’m a bad husband, when she’s working, I’m always home when she returns home, love her family, try to make her happy, but it just seems like she’s taking small issues and taking them to the next level. I am not that way, I don’t think small things are worth getting excited and upset! Just very frustrating and wondering if this is typical of the first year of marriage? I just hate being upset with and don’t like bickering. Advice?


#2

me and my husband have only been married like a year and a half too. when i like start small fights with him about small stuff it’s usually cause i want his attention or affection, etc. i think she might just be asking for reassurance of your love like in a form of a hug a kiss or cuddles or something. i don’t know that’s just me though coming from a girl’s point of view


#3

sounds like typical first year of marriage squabbles, takes a while to get your rant and rave system down pat (she rants, you nod your head and ignore her and keep watching the ball game).

seriously you might sit down sometime when neither of you is tired or upset (don’t know where these italics come from and edit does not remove them) and discuss communication styles, and agree on some basics
i.e. don’t wake me up when you get home unless it is important

let me know in advance when you just want me to listen to your rant about work, and when you really want to hear my advice and input

agree not to use the words “you always” and “you never” and replace them with “I feel” or “I sense”


#4

My husband and I were both older when we married so I don’t think that we had the typical first marriage problems.

Just a few things to ponder:

  1. I know you both probably are stuck in your jobs and need both incomes. If there is anyway you can get away from being on opposite shifts it will probably be much better for your marriage. I know there are a lot of people out there that made it work for years, it is really hard on a marriage though.
  2. Being that you do work opposite shifts, insure that you are making time to spend with each other every day! Sit down together and figure out what times are best for both of you. Not having to personally deal with shift work, I think it would be VERY difficult to come home to a sleeping husband.
  3. Decide how you are going to argue!! I get very quite and think when I am upset, my husband likes to talk about it right then and there. We actually came up with an agreement on how to work with each other. OK, I won, he lets me pout and then if it is worth talking about later we will, most of the time it is not worth talking about so he just gives me a hug, we say our “I Love You’s” and go on about our day. We also have VERY FEW arguements about the same thing.
  4. Never tell your wife she is being negative!! It will only cause an argument. Let her vent and then try to bring up positive things (not just about you, something you read in the paper, something going on at Church, etc)
  5. Watch out for either of you working with or hanging out with people who are negative on marriage. My husband had to make some changes with who he hung out with at work because many of them always talked negative on marriage. I was the boss (and a new one) so no one at my work was that way. If you have people telling you or your wife horrible things about their spouse, their marriage, or marriage in general it is going to creep into your marriage.
    I was raised with the philosophy that the best way to evangelize our religion is how we live our lives. I also see that in my personal interactions, if I work on being positive those around me will be positive (it works most of the time).
    Last note ALWAYS go to Mass together!! Remember you are both ONE with God. Attending Mass together reinforces that!

#5

Hi johny;

Congrats on being newlyweds, by the way!:slight_smile:

When my husband and I were first married, we bickered a lot. I think it is somewhat natural, as you both are from different backgrounds, families, have different ways of viewing life and reacting–so when two people come together as a married couple, there will be some basic differences. I was also not completely happy to be married back then–although, I didn’t know that at the time. I am very happily married now, but back then, I had issues from my childhood that cropped up when I married. That is also very common. And I would ‘take out’ some of those unresolved emotions, on my husband. He should be dubbed a saint someday, as he tolerated a lot from me, I will say. I never name called, but I was very critical, and again–largely because I had unresolved issues to deal with, myself. Once I dealt with those things…I could be an understanding wife, and now we rarely bicker.

Just wanted to throw that out there, because if you aren’t really at fault, and your wife is just nit picking or initiating arguments, it could be that she has some unresolved emotions going on there. Working shifts also where you see very little of one another, can also be a culprit of the arguments. Maybe try to find something different, or a better schedule to suit one another–and see if the problems still go on. I would also say to her that you don’t feel very good as a husband, when she does this–and could it be something else? She may open up, and realize that it’s not you at all (like I did) and realize that she has some work to do on herself.
We can’t fully love another person until we love ourselves. We can’t be at peace with another person, until we make peace with our past. Just some things to think about.

I wish you blessings for a bright and happy future together.


#6

While I am not quite married and have not gone through the first year issues (I am getting engaged soon), I have recently just finished a fantastic book that really seems to have helped a ton of people. It is called Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Emmerson Eggrichs. It has some great practical, Christian advice to people having issues in marriage. Check it out at Amazon:
amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876/ref=tag_tdp_sv_edpp_pop_t

God Bless!


#7

First, know you are not alone. I remember my first year of marriage as the year I woke thinking ‘what the heck am I doing here?’ :shrug: It was just a lot of adjustment. We spoke to our priest, we did a marriage encounter and then had a baby. Nothing like a new baby to give you some perspective. :eek: Now I look back and realize how stupid I was in my part of the stupid fights. I also look back and see how far we’ve grown. I think it’s kind of like growing pains. I think some people have had great ideas (getting on the same shift, read relationship books). We did a bible study together and that was great for us too. Try to make time to pray together. For me a big thing is mentally listing all the things about my DH that I am thankful for. It’s like the passage in Galatians about ‘whatever is good, whatever is pure ect focus on these things’.

I hope things get better for you both. Dont’ give up. It will pass but this is the time you can determine how you fight, deal with problems and make each other happy and feel supported.


#8

Hi. Last year I entered the Sacrament of Marriage and I cannot utter one complaint about my husband. I mean sure, like every human being, he has flaws and can sometimes get on my nerves, but I am no where near perfect and I know there are things I do that push his buttons too. We talk about these annoyances, though, and then both of us make an earnest effort to change our bad habits. After all, that is what we pledged to be to each other for the rest of our lives: “helpmates” in every way. Is your wife annoyed with you for doing these “little things” over and over again after she has asked you to not do them or to do them another way? An open and honest conversation is what you two need. When a couple cannot talk about everything and I do mean everything with each other than one or both of them tend to seek solace in another person, whether that be a friend or a family member and many times, especially among us women, it turns into husband bashing time.

Well, those are just my thoughts. I hope it helps.


#9

Johnny,

My husband and I have been married just over two years, and we have not yet sorted out our bickering problem, though we have made a whole lot of progress.

I just wanted to say that I don’t think your wife wants to be upset, not consciously anyway. I don’t think she is trying to make you feel bad or trying to be negative or trying to bicker. I am sure that she understands you are a good husband, and if that is something you need to hear from her, let her know.

My best advice is 1. assume the best about her and 2. accept that your wife is different.

First, you are assuming that your wife is trying to start an arguement. I believe it would help if you try to assume that she is agitated, upset and trying (perhaps not in the most productive way) to express those feelings. Also, if she keeps coming home upset, perhaps there is a problem with her job and she should look into doing something else.

Second, you and your wife are different (in case you haven’t figured that out! haha.) Something that seems small and unimportant to you might be huge and essential to her. My husband often judges that I should not be upset about whatever it is that I am upset about. There really are few things that upset me more than my husband telling me that he has decided that the issue I am currently upset about is not worth being upset over. What I am usually seeking is comfort and understanding, which I cannot get if my husband has decided that I am overreacting. Also, for me, many times the small issue actually represents a larger problem, and it is the underlying problem I am actually upset about. When your wife is upset about something small, I would suggest asking her if there are underlying issues she is also upset about.

And I want to second whatevergirl’s comment that unresolved issues from family situations can and do pop up.

Hope that helps. God bless!


#10

Been there!

We almost got a divorce in the first two years. There’s one thing that saved our marraige. Just one thing.

We called Catholic Charities and got marraige counseling through them. They set us up with a volunteer professional marraige counselor and we only paid something like $5 a weekly session. They do everything on a sliding scale fee and we were broke the first couple of years.

After a month or two we started going every 2 or 3 weeks. In 5 or 6 months, our counselor had taught us how to communicate with one another without getting defensive at all and we learned how to TRULY really listen to what the other was saying.

It sounds like such a simple thing but we learned it really wasn’t. It changed our lives. 11 years later, and 4 children later, life could not be better. It’s okay when we don’t agree or aren’t happy with one another now. We know how to discuss it in a proper way without anyone’s feeling being hurt. Life is good.

11 years ago we were on the verge of divorce. Literally. Just that one thing saved us. well, that and everyone’s Prayers! It was by God’s Grace that we ended up in couseling. My hubby is one of those people that “didn’t beleive in that”. But it worked!

You and your spouse will be in my prayers. God Bless!


#11

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