This is a suggestion for use when she is really frustrated and getting to the point when she might drop the “I hate you.” (I hope you recognize that “I hate yous” are rarely sincere and usually just ill-communicated anger or frustration. She does not really hate you. Therefore, she shouldn’t be using that language.)
Are you familiar with “I feel_______ when you . I want____.” statements? Sometimes it’s helpful for a child to even write this down, but for others it’s best left to asserting verbally. It can be as simple or detailed as they make it. It’s also helpful when you “actively listen” by reflecting back to them what you’ve heard them say.
Your daughter: “I feel sooooooooooo mad when you tell me to get off the phone to my friend. I want you to understand that I was not done talking and that I wanted to finish the conversation.”
You: “I hear that I really angered you by asking that you cut the phone conversation short. It makes sense to me that you wanted to finish talking, but I needed you to come to the dinner table and join us for supper. I appreciate that even though it made you angry, you obeyed me anyway and spoke to me about how you felt.”
She then has an opportunity to respond if she feels like you missed something she said, but honestly I have seen the anger drain right out of a child who feels heard. Other children need this moment to make a request, such as, “When will I be able to finish the conversation?” And you can answer with whatever is reasonable to you: “After dinner, after homework, tomorrow afternoon, tomorrow night, etc.” If she accepts this, you praise her again. Some children need to go off by themselves and let the anger fade that way. If she still wants to play verbal gymnastics with you, the rule needs to be that she speak in “I feel______ when you____. I want____.” (So that it’s not just, “Okay, we’ll follow the tool but then I want to scream “I hate yous” until I feel better!”)
Even saying, “I FEEL like I hate you when you do…blah blah” is much less brutal then a definitive and untrue “I HATE YOU!” The idea is that she begin to distinguish between her “feelings” and what reality is. We may think we feel something but that doesn’t make it true. Hopefully the “I feel like I hate yous” will fade, and they usually do when other emotions bubble up and are more easily defined as she gets practice in using it.
Anyway, introducing this can be as simple as saying, “Okay, Jenny. I love you very much and I think we have to do a better job at showing it to one another. I know that you love me, too, and it hurts when you use the word “hate” in anger. Instead of using that word, I would like to use this tool to help us better communicate when either one of us is really frustrated.”
This does not change overnight, but if you get into the habit of accepting no less than her communicating her feelings–and not just emotional outburts that are hurtful and untrue–you will make headway and she will get a handle on her frustration.
Also–could she be ready for an early period??? She is young but nine is not unheard of be developing early at and therefore also having the attitude outbursts.