? for the single ladies. Charitably getting rid of persistant men you're not interested in


#1

I seem to have a problem attracting men whom I’m not at all interested in, and sadly they don’t take no for an answer. The majority of men who I attract are black (I’m white). and I’m just not attracted to black men (or anyone who isn’t white) but they’re attracted to me and my rearend :(.

I’m a really nice person, but it’s very frustrating to have men who won’t take my kind “No, I’m not interested” seriously and they keep bothering me!

I have one guy who is signifcantly older than me who ran into me at school in the hall 3.5 years ago. I was nice to him and the next thing I knew he was persisting on us going out and dating because he felt we had “a strong chemistry”. I kindly told him no, and that I wasn’t interested, and over the months he kept bothering me in the halls persisting. School finally ended and I figured I’d lost him. Nope, when school started again he noticed me in the library and started insisting again. I tried to nicely explain to him that I wasn’t interested, that I didn’t feel the same “chemistry” he felt, that I was very tied up with school and life, etc, and he left me alone for the year. Now today, in my home city in the mall this random black guy stopped me, and he said I looked familiar, and asked me if I was from X. I realized who he was, and didn’t want to go through the whole not taking no for an answer again, so I lied to him and said no. Then he asked me my name and introduced himself. I lied again and gave him a fake name. He then asked me if I was single, not liking where this was going, I lied again and told him no. He asked if I was married, and I lied to him again, and told him I was “in a serious committed relationship” lest he try to convince me to give him a chance.

I feel bad about lying, and I know it’s a sin, but I don’t know what else to do without releasing my uncharitable wrath. :shrug: Sometimes I luck out and men try to pick me up when I’m with my dad, and he gets rid of them for me :D.

What do you ladies do to get rid of persistent men who just don’t take no for an answer?

PS: Calling the police isn’t really an acceptable option for me unless I’m in danger. They have far more pressing matters to deal with than getting rid of every man who won’t leave me alone.


#2

I think you need to be blunt and direct. In my experience and that friends, sometimes being polite and not wanting to hurt someone else's feelings sounds wishy washy.
I don't know how direct you were but you can say something like" I am sorry if I somehow gave you the wrong impression but. Really am not interested and did not mean to lead you on in any way." I think in the end this is the most kind approach.


#3

[quote="petitfleur, post:2, topic:247340"]
I think you need to be blunt and direct. In my experience and that friends, sometimes being polite and not wanting to hurt someone else's feelings sounds wishy washy.
I don't know how direct you were but you can say something like" I am sorry if I somehow gave you the wrong impression but. Really am not interested and did not mean to lead you on in any way." I think in the end this is the most kind approach.

[/quote]

I've said that, and it's like it falls on deaf ears.


#4

[quote="petitfleur, post:2, topic:247340"]
I think you need to be blunt and direct. In my experience and that friends, sometimes being polite and not wanting to hurt someone else's feelings sounds wishy washy.
I don't know how direct you were but you can say something like" I am sorry if I somehow gave you the wrong impression but. Really am not interested and did not mean to lead you on in any way." I think in the end this is the most kind approach.

[/quote]

How about just telling him you're not attracted to black men? That should stop him in his tracks. :p

Since black men tend to like more curvy women, you are going to continue to attract them. It's too bad you haven't found one black man you're attracted to.

In any case, I can spot pretty quickly when a man is sizing me up as potential date and what works for me is just not being around. I smile, say hello and then am on my way. I am friendly, but I don't get into any buddy-buddy conversations with someone I can tell is interested in me if I'm not interested. In time, they will get the picture if you never have time for them.

Resist the urge to be Miss congeniality with someone you know is very interested with you.

The key is spotting that interest early on.


#5

[quote="TrueLight, post:4, topic:247340"]

Since black men tend to like more curvy women, you are going to continue to attract them. It's too bad you haven't found one black man you're attracted to.

[/quote]

I'm just not attracted to men who aren't the same race as me. It doesn't matter if they're Black, Asian, East Indian, Aboriginal, etc. I think it's only natural to be attracted to one's own race. We're biologically designed to reproduce and hardwired to be attracted to certain things in order to maintain our race. Even the white men I'm attracted to seem to be from the same European countries close to where my ancestors are from so, :shrug:.


#6

[quote="Love_Divine, post:5, topic:247340"]
I'm just not attracted to men who aren't the same race as me. It doesn't matter if they're Black, Asian, East Indian, Aboriginal, etc. I think it's only natural to be attracted to one's own race. We're biologically designed to reproduce and hardwired to be attracted to certain things in order to maintain our race. Even the white men I'm attracted to seem to be from the same European countries close to where my ancestors are from so, :shrug:.

[/quote]

Okay, I'm not going to touch that.

It's too bad you were gifted with a black woman's shape though.


#7

[quote="TrueLight, post:6, topic:247340"]

It's too bad you were gifted with a black woman's shape then.

[/quote]

I'm not! I have my grandma's Hungarian birthing hips! All my female aunts and cousins have them, yet they all married white men!


#8

If you have been blunt and that doesnt work maybe you need to be less charitable?
Maybe tell him he is coming on too strong and it is bothering you....not sure what wording to use there has to be a better word than bothering......butif you have been completely blunt and honest and he continues to be persistent it's a bit creepy.
I have known a lot of young girls who don't wanttohurt anyone's feelingsand were not able to get their point across. They tried tobe too nice that it went completely over the guys head......maybe some guys can give you some insight.


#9

[quote="petitfleur, post:8, topic:247340"]
If you have been blunt and that doesnt work maybe you need to be less charitable?
Maybe tell him he is coming on too strong and it is bothering you....not sure what wording to use there has to be a better word than bothering......butif you have been completely blunt and honest and he continues to be persistent it's a bit creepy.
I have known a lot of young girls who don't wanttohurt anyone's feelingsand were not able to get their point across. They tried tobe too nice that it went completely over the guys head......maybe some guys can give you some insight.

[/quote]

So sometimes it's okay to be uncharitable to people?


#10

I had a friend who entertained several suitors. She told me that she wasnt interested with this particular man but still she entertained his phone calls, accepted his gifts. I told her that what she was doing was wrong. I explained to her that if you are not interested in a man be frank and try to avoid this person. But she chose not to do so and continued entertaining the guy , going out with him and talking to him on the phone until it reach to the point where the guy became very possesive with her. By that time she gave him a direct answer which was "NO" but it was already too late the guy was already very attached to her and could not take NO for an answer. The guy eventually was stalking her and it lead to physical abuse which ended up in a court case.

Had my lady friend listened to me and cut of all communication with this guy whom she said she wasn't interested in, she wouldnt have gotten herself into trouble. Although she thought she was doing the right thing by being a "FRIEND" to the guy but it was actually doing harm to the guy because she was actually "LEADING THE GUY ON"


#11

[quote="Love_Divine, post:1, topic:247340"]
I seem to have a problem attracting men whom I'm not at all interested in, and sadly they don't take no for an answer. The majority of men who I attract are black (I'm white). and I'm just not attracted to black men (or anyone who isn't white) but they're attracted to me and my rearend :(.

I'm a really nice person, but it's very frustrating to have men who won't take my kind "No, I'm not interested" seriously and they keep bothering me!

I have one guy who is signifcantly older than me who ran into me at school in the hall 3.5 years ago. I was nice to him and the next thing I knew he was persisting on us going out and dating because he felt we had "a strong chemistry". I kindly told him no, and that I wasn't interested, and over the months he kept bothering me in the halls persisting. School finally ended and I figured I'd lost him. Nope, when school started again he noticed me in the library and started insisting again. I tried to nicely explain to him that I wasn't interested, that I didn't feel the same "chemistry" he felt, that I was very tied up with school and life, etc, and he left me alone for the year. Now today, in my home city in the mall this random black guy stopped me, and he said I looked familiar, and asked me if I was from X. I realized who he was, and didn't want to go through the whole not taking no for an answer again, so I lied to him and said no. Then he asked me my name and introduced himself. I lied again and gave him a fake name. He then asked me if I was single, not liking where this was going, I lied again and told him no. He asked if I was married, and I lied to him again, and told him I was "in a serious committed relationship" lest he try to convince me to give him a chance.

I feel bad about lying, and I know it's a sin, but I don't know what else to do without releasing my uncharitable wrath. :shrug: Sometimes I luck out and men try to pick me up when I'm with my dad, and he gets rid of them for me :D.

What do you ladies do to get rid of persistent men who just don't take no for an answer?

PS: Calling the police isn't really an acceptable option for me unless I'm in danger. They have far more pressing matters to deal with than getting rid of every man who won't leave me alone.

[/quote]

Are you for real? Is this a joke? You do not have to be attracted to any particular person of any particular race but posting like this makes you seem to be just racist. Your rear end? I cannot believe that some have actually responded to you without telling you off. Sad and shameful.


#12

[quote="TrueLight, post:6, topic:247340"]
Okay, I'm not going to touch that.

It's too bad you were gifted with a black woman's shape though.

[/quote]

We may not agree on some issues but I was surprised you even tried to give her advice. A black woman's shape? Come on. Perhaps she should see a plastic surgeon to reduce that rear end of hers that seems to be attracting undesirables (to her) to her.


#13

Hehe , this made me smile and brought back many memories. That’s the problem with the JLo butt.

One thing that worked well for me when men were coming up to comment on how beautiful i am, to be fair, it wasnt only black men, but when it was I knew it was because of my butt, I would just say, “I know my boyfriend/ fiancé or husband tells me all the time” lol.

If it was a guy from a mutual group of friends who I knew I’d bump into again in the future I would just treat him like one of the girls or pretend I’m just one of the guys so most knew they had to keep their feelings to themselves.

Either way, I really was bothered by persistent men and sometimes I was so fed up that I was even rude, but what can you do. It sucks to feel constantly preyed on and sometimes you just can’t be charitable cuz men are THAT dense.

I love that now I always have one of my 3 bundles with me when I go somewhere so men look all they want, they NEVER say anything. If I’m with my daughter they’ll comment that we look like 2 beautiful sisters or something to that effect but that’s about it. I now feel naked if I don’t have my husband or one of the kids when I go out.


#14

[quote="Love_Divine, post:9, topic:247340"]
So sometimes it's okay to be uncharitable to people?

[/quote]

It is not being uncharitable to speak very directly to someone who doesn't seem to be able to take hints or kind rejection. It would be uncharitable to allow the person to continue to think that the person is just being shy, or playing hard to get.

If someone cannot or will not take a polite rejection, then it becomes necessary to be very direct - even to the point of stating "if you continue to harass me I will swear out a complaint against you with the police."

People who cannot or will not take "no" for an answer need to have things made very clear to them. Anything else would actually be uncharitable.


#15

[quote="severus68, post:12, topic:247340"]
We may not agree on some issues but I was surprised you even tried to give her advice. A black woman's shape? Come on. Perhaps she should see a plastic surgeon to reduce that rear end of hers that seems to be attracting undesirables (to her) to her.

[/quote]

Maybe I was feeling particularly spiritual last night. Or just plain tired. :p

Plus of course the black woman's shape comment was sarcastic. You learn after a while that it's just not worth it to argue with racist folks on a forum.

I think sometimes people assume that everyone is homogenous on a forum and it doesn't occur to them that there are people of all races and ethnicities..


#16

Or sometimes they assume that those who look like them share the same prejudiced viewpoints.

And in these cases the racism is so ingrained in the person, they don't even realize what they're saying is racist.

Like I said, I'm not even going to put my energy into touching that with a ten-foot pole. But I do take note.

Also, advice is often not only for the OP in a thread but for others who are reading as well.


#17

[quote="severus68, post:11, topic:247340"]
Are you for real? Is this a joke? You do not have to be attracted to any particular person of any particular race but posting like this makes you seem to be just racist. Your rear end? I cannot believe that some have actually responded to you without telling you off. Sad and shameful.

[/quote]

She IS NOT a racist. She just has a preference for a particualr race for her soul mate. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. She has the right to say thay she is more attracted to white men, you can't forced it down her throat to like latino, asian or black men.


#18

[quote="TrueLight, post:15, topic:247340"]
Maybe I was feeling particularly spiritual last night. Or just plain tired. :p

Plus of course the black woman's shape comment was sarcastic. You learn after a while that it's just not worth it to argue with racist folks on a forum.

I think sometimes people assume that everyone is homogenous on a forum and it doesn't occur to them that there are people of all races and ethnicities..

[/quote]

My apologies then.

Even if CAF had only anglo-saxons on it, its a Catholic forum and I am astounded. I have seen a few other unpalatable remarks on it but thankfully, very few.


#19

[quote="Mayita30, post:17, topic:247340"]
She IS NOT a racist. She just has a preference for a particualr race for her soul mate. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. She has the right to say thay she is more attracted to white men, you can't forced it down her throat to like latino, asian or black men.

[/quote]

No one is forcing anything down her throat. Frankly, I have no interest in the preferences of strangers. She is posting on CAF, a real Christian forum. If she was sincerely looking for advice from other women on how to reject unwanted suitors, then that was all she should have posted.

Her rear end - really???


#20

[quote="Mayita30, post:17, topic:247340"]
She IS NOT a racist. She just has a preference for a particualr race for her soul mate. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. She has the right to say thay she is more attracted to white men, you can't forced it down her throat to like latino, asian or black men.

[/quote]

No one's forcing the OP to accept anything.

Giving charity the benefit of the doubt, I think the OP rather unfortunately brought up race to begin with. She could have just as easily decribed her problem of unwanted romantic advances with going into the race/ethnicity of the gentlemen involved and her physical traits that allegedly attract them. And by following up with the remark about being attracted to men who are from the regions of Europe as her ancestors.


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