For those Engaged to be married


#1

My wedding is less than 4 months away and it has hit a stumbling block. My Fiance has been stressed out lately due to Money, Moving into a new place, and the cost of our wedding (we are paying for it ourselves). She is going back and forth about if she wants to get married or continue in the relationship all together. We made an appointment with our parish priest but I told her that she should go and meet with him first so she could open up fully without the concern of hurting my feelings.

The thing is, I am completely in Love with her and I have no doubts. She told me yesterday about her uncertainty and it knocked me out from left field. When asked she said she thinks she was caught up in the excitement of being married and planning the wedding instead of the excitement of being married to me.

How do I recover from this?
Is this something we can recover from?

I am kind of in limbo here waiting for what she’s going to decide to do. I am trying not to get too sad about this or extremely hopeful because it could go either way.

Any insight would be appreciated :frowning:


#2

Dude, I feel bad for you. That must have come out of left field.

How long have you been dating and how old are you both?

She must have wanted to marry you to some degree and maybe all the other stuff is just weighing on her.

How long has she been thinking this way? Maybe it’s a hormonal thing which is making her more concerned.


#3

We have been dating a year, but we have known each other when we were younger (13yrs old) We are both in our 40’s now. I’m hoping that it’s the stress which is weighing her down is the reason. She has meeting with our priest tomorrow. I’m just in a foggy place right now not knowing what’s going on. She said she’s been praying about it for a month, and just told me yesterday.

I told her that I can not help her through this because I do not want to influence her decision as this is something she is going to have to decide for herself.

I have been praying for her as well as for myself for strength.

Does this sound like something engaged people deal with? Is this common? I want her to be really sure that I am the one she wants to marry, so maybe this is good for her to honestly evaluate what she wants out of a relationship. Of course, I have no idea what to think…:confused:


#4

Some priests are really good for this. They counsel countless couples in all kinds of situations. Were either of you previously married? What do you see as the main thrust of your relationship? Are you planning on trying for children or are you beyond that? I think it could be just normal jitters. Talking to someone else is a big help. Prayer is very wonderful. I will say a prayer for you. You sound like a good guy.


#5

I was married previously it was annulled. We both have children but we had discussed this and were open to more if God blessed us with more children.

The main thrust of our relationship is a relationship involving God. We are both Catholic and we have taken the steps of marriage as outlined by the Catholic Church.

When we started getting serious about our relationship we both said that God had brought us together as we were exactly what each other were looking for. I am glad she’s going to see our priest tomorrow. I guess I have to just be patient.

Thank you for the prayers and the compliment.
May God Bless you


#6

You got a good head on your shoulders. I’m hoping she speaks to the priest and realizes how awesome you are and you guys get hitched.


#7

Unfortunwtely, I see this situation as a signal to move on.

You deserve to be married to a woman who wants, with certainty, to be married to you.


#8

I really hope that everything works out for you. I was in a very similar situation years ago. The one thing that I'd say is that; Seeing a priest as a counselor is a good first step to take...I did too. But, generally, priests can only guide a couple from a spiritual point of view. And they'll be the first to admit that that is the limit of their expertise. Don't expect too much to come from it. There are certainly other "worldly" issues that seem to be affecting your relationship.


#9

We spoke to our priest, and everything seemed to be getting better. She told him that she couldn’t “Feel” the love she had for me, but she knew she loved me. She said she could see us together for the rest of our lives. The priest said Love can not be determined on feelings. Love is something you Know to be true or not. It’s not a feeling it’s a commitment. She said she can’t hear God’s answer to what she should do. He said God doesn’t speak in words, he speaks in truth. The knowing what is truth is the answer. Feelings are up and down. Truth isn’t.

I am praying on it. She told me she is too. We had a wonderful weekend and Mother’s day was spent pampering her and her mother. Saturday My fiance and I purchased the table decorations for the wedding reception (her idea by the way) and we went looking at plates and other utensils and other decorations for the reception. She seemed very excited about it.

Then Monday came and she was uncertain again. I told her I was going to give her time to think. I have told her that I want her to be 100% sure that I am the one she wants to marry. I am very confused, and she says she is too. I do not know what is triggering the confusion she is experiencing.

The wedding is scheduled for Aug 7 (which is less than 3 months away). She said she doesn’t want to cancel it, but at the same time she doesn’t want to send out the invitations in case a month from now she doesn’t want to go through with it.

The only thing I can think of doing is placing it in God’s hands. But, God helps those who help themselves.
Any suggestions as to what I should do in the mean time? I feel as though I am waiting for the Jury to come back with a verdict.


#10

Today I have tried to keep my mind off of thinking about my relationship. This is very difficult and I do not know what to do. Any suggestions?

I do not want to invade her space by contacting her (we agreed that I would let her have her space to decided what to do. It was my idea)

any suggestions?

I have been praying, reading, trying to keep myself busy, but I don't know what to do.


#11

Stop doing wedding things. The circus wedding industry has created so much false romanticized emotional investments that clear heads are rarely kept.

Pray hard together and apart. Fast for her and the relationship. Go to e5 men and become one. Pray novenas. Seek a priest out for counseling. Let go of the wedding day for now. You can always marry later. A solid start is more important.


#12

Marriage is a very serious thing. It is for life. You and your fiancee know this. That may be what is causing the doubts - she is in her 40’s, so she has established her way of living. When you are married, there will be a lot of changes to make so as to live together. It can be a scary thing.

Almost all brides-to-be suffer from nerves at some stage before the wedding. I suffered mine the day before! That was 40 years ago. Perhaps it’s worse for your fiancee because there are still 4 months to go through before the wedding.

You say she goes back and forth about whether to go through with the wedding and the relationship. Has she told you exactly what are the things that she has doubts about? Or is it just a vague “I don’t know what to do”? If there are specific concerns, you both need to discuss them. If it is “I don’t know what to do” it is probably just wedding nerves.

Discuss and pray.


#13

[quote="Joan_M, post:12, topic:197034"]

You say she goes back and forth about whether to go through with the wedding and the relationship. Has she told you exactly what are the things that she has doubts about? Or is it just a vague "I don't know what to do"? If there are specific concerns, you both need to discuss them. If it is "I don't know what to do" it is probably just wedding nerves.

Discuss and pray.

[/quote]

Thank you for your reply Joan,
This afternoon my fiance told me that she had to break up with me. She told me that when we started our relationship she thought she was ready but now realizes that she was not. She said she still has some healing to do from past relationships as well as working on her relationship with God. She said she doesn't want a man in her life right now, if she did she said she would have me. But at this time she wants to be alone with her children. She said she could not contribute to our relationship by giving all of herself to me and she told me that that isn't fair to me. She also told me that it wouldn't be fair for her to ask me to wait for her.

I am completely in love with her. I do not want to desert her in her time of need but I agreed that she needs space to think and heal. But what should I do?
Should I wait it out?
What if it was just wedding nerves in addition to our financial situation?
I am praying on this. But I can't seem to see what I should do. I believe God bought us together and I don't think HE would have done that just to have us break up. We have been planning our wedding according to the Catholic Church. Following all the rules. Is this something God is testing us with?

When she came into my life I felt as though God had answered my prayers. She said she felt the same way too when we met.


#14

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.