I grew up in a very unstable home. My mother was abusive but because most of her abuse was not physical it was hard for me as a child to describe what she was doing wrong.
My greatest fear has been that I will turn into my mom with my daughter.
Recently though, as my daughter started goign through the begininings of puberty, I am reminded how different my reaction to this process is then my mother’s was with me.
My mother’s talk about sex to me included the phrase, ‘If a boy scratches you, you can get pregnant.’ She didn’t believe this but she really had a paronia of me getting anywhere near guys my own age.
If I had male friends she would tell me that I was a slut and whore, even if I didn’t think about the particular boy beyond a friendly manner.
When I was 11 and started getting that funky smell that some preteens get, she refused to let me bathe daily. Which meant that I got made fun of horribly.
When I started making friends she would get angry and try to undermine these friends. She would point out every fault of the child. Or get the child to confind in her and then make fun of her to me. My mom would tell me repeatedly. THe only person who really loves you is me.
When I had my first period, she got angry and told me over and over that I wasn’t a woman. At 11 I didn’t think that I was a woman. I didn’t need for her to tell me that, especiallywith her being so angry.
Once when I was beginning to have some of the hormonal changes of puberty, I had a slight discharge. My mom pulled me into the laundry room and informed me that she knew that I was thiking about sex. She yelled and screamed at me and told me what a whore I was and then pulled out my used underwear to prove her point.
this of course does not begin to explain the deep shame and stupidity that I felt daily around her. She had a way of acting like I was a complete idiot that really effected me.