Forgiveness help... i need some advice


#1

first off, this site is great:thumbsup:
it helps with all my questions:D

anyways this is a long story so here it goes

So in 4th and 5th grade i transfered to my first Catholic school having expectations that the kids would be nice and have morals, however, i soon realized this was incorrect. After about a month of attending this school, i was teased and harassed everyday, sexually and verbally. Basically, i had horrible thoughts of suicide(only to be with God not to end my life, if that makes sense) and that i was not a good person, however i asked God for help and my suffering caused me to become far closer to God. So close, that one day, after a in-school confession, i was praying in the church and i had an amazing overwhelming feeling on immense happiness and love, far greater than anything i had ever experience(and my parents/brothers are very loving). Immediately i knew this feeling was The Holy Spirit, and had no doubts about it, how i knew it was this part of The Trinity, i do not know, but it was. Because of the harassment, i went to the administration that did absolutely nothing except suspend a few kids, which was like a vacation from school for them. Thankfully, i am still here today, trying to lead a good, Catholic life without sin. I left the school in 5th grade and went to a small public school, which was a far better experience for me. i am now going into my sophomore year of highschool and i have a dilemma. Those same kids who caused me so much pain and sadness now go to school with me again at a Catholic school. i have talked to two priests about this and both have said forgive them in my heart, which i have attempted but everytime i see them i am filled with scorn and anger of their previous actions.

Here is an email i recently sent to the principal of the school for closure(names have been taken out for privacy reasons :blush:

Dear Mrs.**,
My name is ****** and i attended (School) in fourth and fifth grade. As you may or may not remember, we shared numerous visits in your office discussing the discipline of some of the students who were also in my grade level. If you do not fully remember the extend of their harassment, i will refresh your memory.
About half way into my fourth grade your i transfered to (School) with high expectations of a Catholic School, seeing that i had never been to a private, catholic school. The harassment started almost immediately. My very first memory was being laughed at when i accidentally lined up in the girl’s line at the beginning of school. After that, things got surprisingly better. I ended up winning student council representative for my class, along with ######, who at the time was one of my friends. However, after fourth grade was over, something happened in the summer that changed the mind of all the spineless kids in my class. I am assuming ^^^^^^^, the ringleader, had successfully brainwashed his peers into disliking me. At the start of 5th grade, i was completely isolated, with no friends. The insults started as small remarks, slandering me, such as @@@@@, telling me i, “belonged in the girl’s bathroom to change for P.E.” The insults got worse from there. One of my most vivid memories was when ^^^^^^^ came up behind me in science and began to simulate anal sex. I would just like to again remind you that this was 5th grade. Amazingly, my peers began calling me “gay,” sending me into a horrible depression and even thoughts of suicide. After meeting with you, and !!
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multiple times, the only discipline they received was detention, and at most, suspension, which was merely a vacation from school for them. (School) even implemented a anti-bully program to come to our class about once or twice a week to teach about bullying, which obviously did not work. When i confronted ^^^^^^^ about why he had made my life miserable, he simply replied, “because everybody else was doing it.” Not only would these kids torment me, they also showed no respect at all during mass. %%%%%%, ^^^^^^^ best friend, had no dignity and began calling people “jackasses” during mass. Another memory of mine was when ######, during lunch, told a younger kid to run up to me and tackle me. That day i told the nurse i was “sick” and went home.
Today i believe the reason why you decided to not expel any of these children was basically due to money. At the time, the tuition was about $4,000 a year, and loosing two or three of these kids would not help the school economically. However, i would like you to tell me why you did not expel these kids when you had the power to.
(School) was the worst school i ever went to. I felt like the administration was not on my side, but on the instigators’. If a parent asked me if they should send their child to (School), i would not hesitate to tell them that it was my worst experience ever. Perhaps the only beneficial thing i got out of this whole experience was a greatly increased relationship with God.
As you probably are aware, These kids that constantly harassed me, now attend JSerra Catholic High School. Which is where i also attend. So i want to say thank you. Thank you for letting harassment go on for a whole year and making an innocent child suffer greatly. Everyday i wonder, if i had not attended (School), how my life would be different. Hopefully you make better decisions along the way.

So thats my story
how in the world do i fully forgive them?


#2

Jesus will You please help DarthFurg to sit down with You and talk through the painful persecution that lies heavily in his life and continues to ache.
You have seen others treat him with disrespect and unkindness, this person who is so precious to You.
Will You move with him through these experiences, helping him to deal with them within Your love and presence. He cannot forgive without Your help, so help him to turn everything over to You. Please give hi healing as he faces the insults and injuries of his past, and renew him in healing.

Each time the anger and hurt arises, if it does, help him to remember to hand it over to You.

I praise and thank You that he survived these insults and attacks from insecure and fearful people, for whatever they projected, their behaviour shows their weaknesses. Give him grace to pray for them, who need prayer and grace to grow in that charity and love that is essential for salvation.

Like You, he received insult, but by Your grace he maintained faith, and still has love, despite his hurt and the anger he sometimes, or often feels.

Embrace him and draw him deep into Your heart. Let Your love grow more and more in his spirit.
Help him to flourish, and to live his life in love, forgiveness, healing, and joy.

God bless you.
Take good care of yourself.
Love, Trishie

A hug from all of us here :grouphug:


#3

hi trishie :wave:

thank you for that amazing prayer! this has been one of the hardest things to get through in my life and i really needed help with it so thank you so much :smiley:
God Bless you for helping me through these hard times

i have a question though,

"Each time the anger and hurt arises, if it does, help him to remember to hand it over to You.

my religion teacher also talked about giving it to Jesus. i never fully understood this. could you explain this in more detail please :smiley:
thank you so much!


#4

It won’t be easy to forgive them. In your forgiveness you don’t have to acknowledge that they were “right” to do that to you…or anything like that…because they were very wrong indeed.

I’m going to try to help you with this. First, think on a different line with me for awhile…I want to explain some things to you. We are all sinners, and, you know that for our sins we must do penance (this is more than the prayers that the priest gives us at confession) …? I ask this, because many people don’t understand this…but we do need to. The reason we need to do penance is to erase the “stain” of the sin we’ve committed from our souls. We’ve been forgiven…but that “stain” is still there until we do penance to erase it. If we should die before we do penance, then we go to “purgatory” to have our soul burned clean of all “stain” of sin. We must be pure before we can see God. OK…back to the penance. These kids, these horrible kids have put you through a lot of penance. All that pain can be offered up to God for remission (take away) of your sins. (instead of purgatory). So, if you think of it this way, they are helping you get to heaven faster after you die.

Think on that…then maybe you can forgive them…maybe you can even secretly thank them for the pain.

Being angry only hurts YOU. You harbor these feelings in your heart and you then are not free to love. Forgiving sets you free. Remember this line from the “Our Father”…
…give us this day our daily bread and FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES, AS WE FORGIVE THOSE who trespass against us…

So, we are asking God to forgive us our sins, in the same manner that we forgive the sins of others when they commit them towards us… just like what has happened to you.

It will be difficult, but with Jesus’ help, you can do it. Pray to HIm for help with this.

Know that you are OK, and LOVED GREATLY by God. Jesus understands abuse, be was abused greatly during the time of his crucifixion…this time is called his PASSION… because He, passed, on actively acting out to prevent those things from happening. He could have stopped it all, you know. But he didn’t…he took the abuse because he loved us. Go to Him, he understands abuse. Talk to your parents or priest…who ever you feel you need to, to help get it “out”. Go ahead and cry…it hurts so bad. Jesus will be right there with you. After its all out of you…then you can forgive.

God bless you.


#5

hi Hyacinth II,

that was a really amazing way to put the “Give it to God” thing. its the same as temporal punishment, right?

i have another question (i am full of them tonight)
how come some people experience HUGE suffering on earth but others maybe wont experience it as much? is it because the people who receive bigger ones committed more sins and need more suffering to remove the “stain”

and also, is it too late to give my suffering to God. it all happened years ago and my religion teach made it seem like you need to give it to God then and their to receive less time in purgatory. is this right?

thanks so much for replying though
God Bless you!:slight_smile:


#6

No, its not too late to give it to God…give it to Him. (Let’s face it, you are STILL suffering over this.) The people who don’t experience so much suffering on this earth…well, they will have to pay later…we know where… Its not that you’ve sinned “more”. You can also offer up your suffering for the poor souls in purgatory…they can no longer do anything but burn there… The children at Fatima asked the Virgin Mary about some one they knew who died…about where they were. She told them that they were in purgatory and that they would be there for a very long time…I think she said something like for many “centuries”… and this was for the sins of little kids… so, you can imagine that many souls in purgatory are going to be there a long, long time. So, when you feel that you are “good to go”…offer some prayers and suffering up for those poor souls.:thumbsup:

God bless you.


#7

Revisit that amazing experience of joy.

In comparison, the taunts of your schoolmates were trivial and inconsequential.

Consider that in Heaven, none of the sufferings experienced here on earth amount to anything.

Think about it this way. Suppose that when you were a little child, the only money you had was a single penny … and one day, you lost it … it slipped out of your hand and went down a sewer grate. Gone. As a little child, you were devastated.

BUT, a few years later, suppose you had ten dollars or much more and you dropped a penny down a sewer grate … the feeling of loss of the penny would be very small. Even then, thinking back to the loss of the penny as a little child … that previous loss would be regarded in the sense of perspective of being a very small loss.

So, when you had that experience in church … you were given a very valuable gift, by God, of a very large amount of joy … in a sense, an ecstasy experience of a kind … and by comparison earthly sufferings fell into a place that was only a very small loss. Just like losing that penny.


#8

You can give your suffering to God at any time. He gladly accepts your gifts. Especially, when later on, you come to a realization of how important it is to forgive, to put it behind you and to move on. To turn the other cheek.

Someone once said that if someone hurts you and you turn the other cheek, then you will be looking in a different direction and will no longer even be paying attention to that person and the suffering they inflicted on you.

There is kind of a mystery involved in suffering … we don’t know why God allows some people to suffer a lot and others don’t suffer much at all. Of course, there are different kinds of suffering and while someone may look cool and calm on the outside, in their private life or inner life, they may be suffering from things that we have no knowledge of.

There is a kind of a story … someone was given a vision of purgatory … everyone has their own cross … and at the entrance room, they were asked to leave their personal cross in the entrance area and to proceed ahead. After, when they were leaving to return back home, they were asked to revisit the entrance room and pick up any cross that they wanted to take with them. What they found was that the cross they brought with them originally was the smallest cross in the room.

St. Catherine of Genoa wrote a fabulous essay on purgatory … it’s not very long and if you get a chance, see if you can get a copy.

This link should get you the full text of St. Catherine’s essay on purgatory:

cfpeople.org/apologetics/page51a013.html


#9

Here’s another suggestion: (btw, this takes a little bit of imagination, but it works for me) when you get mad at these people, bring their faces (if you can) into mind, Then in places of them , see the sorrowing face of Jesus…he is already pained, why add to it?

hope this helped!


#10

May I ask where your parents were in all this? I don’t think I’d be very accepting of my child being sexually harassed in third grade by his classmates in a school costing me $4,000 a year.

Have you considered that the parents of these children had to know they were bullies considering the school would have had to notify them of their suspensions? Do you think their was punishment at home? Counseling?

You appear to have something to offer. Getting elected to a class office while you were there is an accomplishment. You should draw on those strenghts now that you are in high school.

Teenage years are the hardest. Kids are more accepting of those in the norm. You would benefit if you engage in a sport (not necessarily a contact sport), music (even if you keep up with the latest trends and groups), the culture surrounding you, develope a sense of humor, and, of course, your studies.

When Mel Gibson transferred from the US to a Catholic school in Australia, he was mocked because of his accent and his Yankee heritage. In order to get through those years, he became a mimic and horned his sense of humor. He would later say the experience actually was a benefit to him.


#11

my parents were very supportive, they helped tons, and were there every visit to the administration. They wanted it to end as bad as me. and really bad stuff didnt happen until 5th grade, which is why i went there 2 years.

and at my highschool now i have an elected position and i really love art so ya. i do have friends over there since the school is far bigger, and i barely see them because we are in very different classes. i will probably see them about 15 minutes each day next year since i will have upperlunch.

thanks everybody for your help! i have another question,
i am kind of confused, i read the purgatory essay, so is what i was experiencing purgatory??


#12

No…it was pain you are experiencing here on earth. This pain can be offered up to God, as penance for the sins that you commit… the penance will hopefully help avoid a long time in purgatory when we die. God bless you.


#13

You are experiencing life. Bullying, mocking, teasing happens to many, unfortunately. Life isn’t going to be without problems. Expect to be betrayed, jilted, ignored, fired. Bad things happen to good people throughout their lives. Few get through it unscathed.

You may benefit from counseling. You certainly had to endure a lot for a kid. If you didn’t get counseling, maybe you should consider it.

I have a 60 year old friend who, once retired, went to college. Why? Because a nun told him he would amount to nothing and wasn’t college material. This was a woman who said this to a kid in high school.

He opened his own business, was very successful, raised a beautiful family, and became very wealthy. But through all those accomplishments he remembered one person who told him he wasn’t worthy.

All of us must struggle to overcome adversity whether it be trouble or poverty.


#14

thanks everybody:thumbsup:

im going to give up my suffering to God, and hopefully lessen some time in purgatory
it doesnt really bother me today but im definitely going to try harder to forgive them:D


#15

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