I found my faith when God sent Jesus to come to me in a vision when I prayed for His help when I was in Gr. 12. After, I transferred to a Catholic school, and continued to be blessed by God’s voice, and visions with Jesus. But then I met a boy, and mistakes started, and they continued with men, (I also smoked marijuana for a couple of years), until I got to the point where I was tired of making mistakes in regards to God; two weeks later, I ran into missionaries, and shortly after that, I was baptized. To me, it was saying that I would not make those mistakes again. Sadly, I made the same mistake again with two different boys, and with marijuana. I have not made mistakes since then, but in the wake of these mistakes, being pushed onto the path of right for what I feel is for good; as though I needed to make those mistakes after to truly be awakened to them, if you understand what I mean.
Before I end this, let me tell of why I truly believe I did the things that I did; if I did the things I did with these boys, I felt that they cared about me, when really I was being used for sexual activity (I never slept with any of them, except for one who I thought cared about me, but changed completely afterwards). I did not want to do these things, and always felt shame about it, for it was not who I was, but I could not stop attempting to pursue the feeling of being…cared about, loved. It is possible, in a school of thought, that this desire was instilled in me because of my father leaving when I was a child. I understand when you are baptized, all things previous are erased, but it is still with me slightly, but even more so the fact that I make the same mistakes again after, even though I immediatly, in the wake of what I had done, finally found myself on the right path. But I just cannot seem to forgive myself for it, for any of it, and I wonder, in the lue of the seeming absence of the relationship I ahd with God before (His voice, the visions), that what I have done is unforgiveable.