too much to forgive, which is a beautiful thing, because it lets me forgive myself, as I have too much to forgive myself too.
The one area I am having a problem with is my younger sister, who I don’t go near even in my mind. 8 years younger, and she started using me from a young age. I was naive and didn’t suspect it. she profited from watching my brother’s and my peregrinations with my parents, and played the whole family situation, which was so complicated–particularly, turning my mother’s paranoia about her as a post-ectopic child into hatred and mistrust of me as a supposed threat to her, and she, my sister, persists in the most outrageous beliefs about me that developed over time, to her own detriment as well as mine, and my mother participates with this.
i stand accused (from 20 years ago–it persists) of saying I “wanted to kill her”–which I did, but I didn’t mean it. A dumb social worker took my wry and anxious remark literally–yes, I was mad, and for good reason, but I don’t have it in me and was so physically weak then and now, to physically harm anybody, I once had a convulsion when I was also angry with my mother after a desperate suicide attempt and she got in the way when I physically exploded and my anger came out and she got hurt. I had three more such convulsions, diminishing in force each time, and at no other time was there a target. this led credence in everybody’s minds–well, actually, there was a dispute about it among the professionals concerned–as to my being “dangerous”, which was used in the most insane and hurtful ways later on, for instance, when I was raising my tiny son.
My sister has put herself out of touch and out of reach and wants to leave things as they are as far as the dispositin of credibility, attribution of guilt, and so forth, because she has it her way–where I take the blame for issues SHE has with my parents that she doesn’t want to have to take her own fall for.
Otherwise, with help from this site, this forum and also Spirituality and Moral Theology/Philosophy, I am getting everything straightened out.
My sister makes herself unavailable to be forgiven, thereby refusing to acknowledge sin, a salient trick in my family I begin to see;