[quote="Trishie, post:3, topic:223036"]
Thank you for your courage in sharing some of your story.
The fact that you were a victim in the past doesn't mean you still have to choose to remain a victim, by remaining full of guilty feelings as this just keeps your victim-hood alive, and it keeps the effect of this man alive and active in your life.
Why submit the loved Child of God that you are to this man in any way or form now? Remaining stuck in the guilt locks you up as affectively as anything in the past.
It does sound that to some extent you admired him for his 'genius' but there was nothing admirable about this paedophile. Yes, to some extent you chose to be victim as you didn't even live with him. You could come and go. You surely were capable of thinking for yourself at least sometimes when you were alone and hadn't seen him for a while when you were older.
However it only continues the business if you hang on to guilt. And it is God's word that the Church upholds, not its own unsupported word so your argument about fornication is with God not the Church, dear soul.
You can choose to cleanse yourself by going to Confession, and leaving that past to God. Actually it is very important and necessary for you to go to Confession for your spiritual and emotional health, but that is entirely your choice. I hope you will, but that's up to you.
God bless you. :)
Thanks for your post. I admired him for his 'genius' at first but later came to despise him. However since his death books have been written about this man saying he is wonderful. That has been very confusing for me but eventually I realized his public persona was different from his private life, where he hurt a lot of people, unfortunately. the problem with him being a genius is that he was protected no matter what. he was an extremely prominent person who was viewed as making rare contributions to the world, and anyone who tried to go up against this was dismissed.
For example he had won the Nobel Prize, and to many people that means different rules apply - you can get away with a lot. that impressed me when I was 13 but not when I was 17. b/c there were so many people who protected him, leaving was difficult b/c he had a life of, he got what he wanted when he wanted it. I did choose to stay to some extent but a lot of that was b/c he said he would find me wherever I went and he made threats against my sisters and his daughter. It was suspected that he had taken risks with people's lives that were really dangerous, and when I got into a car with him I could see why. However the saving grace is that I knew he was ill and he did not live that much longer. My therapist and I decided to wait for him to die essentially, rather than make efforts to leave. If he had been expected to live a decade or more I would have done it differently.
I agree about not wanting to stay a victim. Sometimes people have heroes and it's based on mythology. I think accepting that will help me move on.
fortunately he died just over 18 months after starting this 'relationship' when I was 19.
He was also - I had a longer version of this post - severely mentally ill. I have been mentally ill myself and that does not cause violence but he had mental illness and also was a sociopath, which basically meant he did not have empathy or a conscience and would use any weapon he had over people. for example he would say, you really humiliated me about the way you talked to (and then he'd name some famous people b/c he was very prominent) last night - when I never MET these people and the conversation never happened. then I had to convince him that I didn't wreck things. it was not OK to say, that didn't happen, he did not believe it. it was also not OK to say OK I messed up I will take the consequences. he would literally get on the phone and express doubts about issues but was smart enough to keep it vague and generic.
So I learned to say, tell me how I made the mistake, and then I tried to 'turn' the conversation so that it was 'fixed' in his mind. he sounded MUCH more mentally pulled-together when talking to other famous people or loved ones than he did with me. that is how I knew he was using mental illness as a weapon to terrorize me. I have severe bipolar disorder myself and it's rare someone does that, but he did.
after a while I literally did not know which end was up any more, plus he lied about a lot of things. I think he was deliberately attempting to drive me crazy. my therapist said she would have to look long and hard to find someone else this disturbed, which meant leaving was dangerous. but I agree it is time to stop feeling like a victim, the fact that other people see him in different ways - well good for them, I have no desire to disillusion them, but that's nothing to do with me.