The last couple of weeks have been a literal hell on earth for me. The priest that molested me while I was a seminarian took his own life the day after Christmas in another state. From time to time, wondering if he was going to strike again against another naive teen, I googled him to discover his death. He needs prayers. I never received an apology from him or from the bishop, which I firmly believe was due. All victims of priest abuse deserve to receive an official apology from their bishop. Not to receive it is an uncharitable act I believe because victims fall down on their faces and many times stop believing and trust church authorities. I speak from knowledge. Aside from that fact, I could not help wishing this man dead many times and dare to say how I felt about the bishop for not doing the right thing. The former priest was allowed to stay on until 1985, 5 years after molesting me. I was asleep or passed out. I do not know if he slipped me something or whatever, so, no, I was not a volunteering participant. What he did is equivalent to date rape at a minimum.
He married later, and it wasn’t until reading his obituary online that I discovered he had a daughter that was killed by a drunk driver several years ago. I wrote emails to him several times dumping my anger back on him for what he did to my life. I forgave, but then again I’ve had to forgive him everytime I thought about him. I can’t ttell you how many times I wished him total personal destruction in the form of justice. This is not the first person to tragically die after my prayers, though never directly asking God to make sure they die. He was loved by his students. But his secret past may finally caught up with him. I believe he converted to Episcopalian after leaving the priesthood.
Anyhow, forgive me if I sound uncharitable in this post, but its not easy to forgive someone that has adversly affected your life in so many ways. He was also my spiritual director and knew how I felt about homosexuality - not supportive of it at all. My charitable perspective of those inflicted with same sex attraction may have led him to think he might have a chance. The whole thing made me feel extremely perverted and dirty. I’m not that way, never have been, never will be.
Recently I found another ex-seminarian from my class. I always suspected he might be “gay” or bi-sexual. He is extremely angry at the Church for not allowing him to practice homosexuality. It was good to contact him for my suspicions about many seminarians from my classs back in 79 - 80. Fortunately, I’m told things have changed for the better. I’ve been claiming to feel better with this chapter of my life coming to a close. But I can’t help feel angry that nothing was ever done and that the diocese to this day have lied about things related to it. etc. etc. give up trying to explain… for now.
Please pray for him, his wife and family. Also, add me to your prayer list. I need peace. I feel I may have been the reason he took his own life because I sent a law firm a request for legal assistance and wonder if they contacted him about it. My anger is directed at the diocese for not providing me with financial support and acknowledgement for what was done to me and how I was treated afterwards. So many of the seminarians left the Church. One I found now claims to be atheist.