Former priest and professor's suicide

The last couple of weeks have been a literal hell on earth for me. The priest that molested me while I was a seminarian took his own life the day after Christmas in another state. From time to time, wondering if he was going to strike again against another naive teen, I googled him to discover his death. He needs prayers. I never received an apology from him or from the bishop, which I firmly believe was due. All victims of priest abuse deserve to receive an official apology from their bishop. Not to receive it is an uncharitable act I believe because victims fall down on their faces and many times stop believing and trust church authorities. I speak from knowledge. Aside from that fact, I could not help wishing this man dead many times and dare to say how I felt about the bishop for not doing the right thing. The former priest was allowed to stay on until 1985, 5 years after molesting me. I was asleep or passed out. I do not know if he slipped me something or whatever, so, no, I was not a volunteering participant. What he did is equivalent to date rape at a minimum.

He married later, and it wasn’t until reading his obituary online that I discovered he had a daughter that was killed by a drunk driver several years ago. I wrote emails to him several times dumping my anger back on him for what he did to my life. I forgave, but then again I’ve had to forgive him everytime I thought about him. I can’t ttell you how many times I wished him total personal destruction in the form of justice. This is not the first person to tragically die after my prayers, though never directly asking God to make sure they die. He was loved by his students. But his secret past may finally caught up with him. I believe he converted to Episcopalian after leaving the priesthood.

Anyhow, forgive me if I sound uncharitable in this post, but its not easy to forgive someone that has adversly affected your life in so many ways. He was also my spiritual director and knew how I felt about homosexuality - not supportive of it at all. My charitable perspective of those inflicted with same sex attraction may have led him to think he might have a chance. The whole thing made me feel extremely perverted and dirty. I’m not that way, never have been, never will be.

Recently I found another ex-seminarian from my class. I always suspected he might be “gay” or bi-sexual. He is extremely angry at the Church for not allowing him to practice homosexuality. It was good to contact him for my suspicions about many seminarians from my classs back in 79 - 80. Fortunately, I’m told things have changed for the better. I’ve been claiming to feel better with this chapter of my life coming to a close. But I can’t help feel angry that nothing was ever done and that the diocese to this day have lied about things related to it. etc. etc. give up trying to explain… for now.

Please pray for him, his wife and family. Also, add me to your prayer list. I need peace. I feel I may have been the reason he took his own life because I sent a law firm a request for legal assistance and wonder if they contacted him about it. My anger is directed at the diocese for not providing me with financial support and acknowledgement for what was done to me and how I was treated afterwards. So many of the seminarians left the Church. One I found now claims to be atheist.

In the Name of the Father and of The Son and of The Holy Spirit, Amen.

Please Dear God our Heavenly Father, The Holy Spirit, Dear Jesus Christ our Saviour and Dear Our Lady Mary Mother of Jesus, could you please bathe OLoftCarmel in Thine Divine Holy Love, Peace and Healing now and for Eternity, Amen.

Our Father, who Art in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy Name, Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done on earth as it is in Heaven, give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from all evil, Amen.

Please Dear God our Heavenly Father, could You please fill this Priest (Thy original chosen one for the position) in acknowledgement and full remorse for all of his sins caused by Satan here on Earth in the past, and forgive him the sins and fully reconcile the Priest to You now and for Eternity. Could you please Dear God our Heavenly Father grant this Priest wisdom in assisting other Priests now and for Eternity to avoid these types of sins and resist ALL temptation here on Earth now and for Eternity, Amen.

Our Father who Art in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy Name, Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done on Earth, as it is in Heaven, give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from all evil, Amen.

prayers said

Dear God, please bath this situation with your love and bring peace and comfort to this man. I pray for this priest that you have mercy on his soul and most of all for any child that he had sadly abused to be healed in all ways. Please God, kill all source of demons from any human that lead to harm a child. Restore peace, faith in you and guide everyone to to the right path. Amen

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m sorry for the aftermath that was so seemingly cold. I’m sorry for anyone who had judged you since.

I’m assuming you’ve gotten some therapy, maybe you are still. I know that sexual assault means a lifetime of dealing with the anger/rage. It’s like pain from an old injury, it flares up, brings back the memories. I hope you get as much assistance as you need. I think people who have not had this happen don’t understand that it isn’t over just because the action is in the past. The results are always with us.

I’m so sorry, and most because it tends to erect a huge barrier between the victims and the Church. It is the Great Trap-stick. I fight rage with prayer, when I can remember to do so. With Adoration, which is just me and Jesus and no clergy in sight. The problem is, every priest you see is a reminder, even if he is the holiest person around.

God bless you abundantly and bring you Peace and consolation.

Prayers said for you and the others involved.

God sometimes seems so far away at times, even in overtly Catholic institutions, doesn’t he? However, He is watching and is aware of the evil that men do.

“The evil that men do lives after them; The good is oft interred with their bones”.

A lady, Emaacalee? has a strong message that calls for forgiveness of others.

We have to forgive others.

God mercy and Justice prevails, a powerfull force that cannot be stopped, meets up with a force that cannot be moved.

forgive us, but. can we be honest?

recognizing a law firm was contacted, what was the objective of this?

its interesting to note, to forgive others is the answer.
yet in contacting the law firm, what was the objective, revenge???

it was noted that in the US a small christian community type was functioning as a trap operation to lure in children to be used in a exploitation operation. nothing existed but a building and the buss essentially…

the autoriites were brought to be aware of the situation, the actions that had happended to many unsuspecting children, but, their was no resources to entice the those that could Gain from the tragidity, soo, Nothing came to be.
no wealth to be gained, no one cared to pursue any avenue to the issue…
if wealth is to be gained in the horrors of these tragidities, then their is an interest by the legal promotors.

we in no way discount the tragidity of the issue, we find it to be the hidious of crimes, is a crime of that commited on a child, to which in reality happens in this world all too often, from the physical, to the issue of teaching children to shun others, sloth, bulling in society, as a common ordeall

many of these issue arise, but its amazing that, in th event that it canbe profited from does it come to make national attention.

do we seek justice, or revenge? we know profit determines the bottom line.

current statitics across the us say today Ladies, can expect tobe raped against their will at a 20% probability when they go off to our modern day inductions of higher learning, knowen termed as Universities.

how is are the law and legal field today is taking to task todays institutions that are to bring wisdom of integrity, clarity and harmony to our youth, and the brassed concept our Ladies should go to these institutions to attain a advancement for women, in recognition of this tragidity…

Can we recognize the issue of Professors here to be equally be held accountable, the institutions that look on and do nothing…

it might be good to recognize, todays socalled institutions of higher learning are more so a great institutions of superstition, a luring of children who are feeced of not only their money, but also of their morals and virtues…

WE are questioning, is this a case of revenge, or is this a case of recognizing a huge double standard that the religious are held to a high standard of morals, to which they canbe pentalized for, yet institutions are now merely noted for teaching defiance to stardards, and even charging the children for the promoting of devoid of moral actions.

The real reality is, the Religious have came to recognize the nature of human free will, to do evil, and tries to address it, and futhar more deal with it.
Instutions by the current statitics more soo seem to actually promote human free will to do evil, for they come to profit by evil is what is happening.

What are we going to change to make better, one is, dont send you chidlren to the so called institutions of higher learning, they promote evil, and profit from it, that would be a sin in itself under the current statictics…
What are we seeking is the quesiton? for that determines the final anwer.

I am heartenned by your ability to pray for someone who has hurt you, as our Lord commanded. This issues has certainly been one of the most diabolical attacks that Satan has come up with to injure his arch enemy the Church. It was insidious and implemented over a long period of time. The Church was warned by our Lord and the Apostles that there would be wolves in the sheep fold and I in many cases we were far from vigilent.

It is my opinion that this is not about priests that became pedophiles, but about pedophiles who became priests. It is my experience that pedophiles often attempt to get into careers where they will have access to youth and children,ie; teachers, coaches, clergy, etc. It is also true that in the vast majority of cases (90%+) in the church that the offenders were homosexual adults and the victims we’re post-pubescent males.

It may not be politically correct to say that it is a homosexual problem more than a meerly pedophilac problem but the facts would bear that out. This causes me to wonder whether the Church should be ordaining homosexuals at all. I know what the CCC teaches us about how homosexuals should be treated, respected and helped as they have an extra heavy cross to bear, but I don’t think that that means that we should ignore this spiritual affliction any more than we would let a visually impaired person drive the bus. By doing so we are doing them a diservice and playing with fire.


Yes–Immaculée Ilibagiza, who wrote about forgiveness and the Rwandan holocaust inLeft to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust.

I had to chop out lots since I exceeded 8000 words. Thank you, Julia, for you kind understanding words. You hit the nail on the head. So many Catholics want to defend the Church so much that they forget the love of Christ and the compassion he offers in his Divine Mercy. Yes. I’m in turmoil right now. But I’m also suffering from PTSD with Major Depression Severe and serious anxieties that cause me to do some pretty strange things, particularly lately since I return to college for a grad degree in education.

I smiled when you brought up oratory and priest absence. Last night a priest came into the oratory during the hour I was present watching/guarding. I tried to get the courage to ask him if he would hear my confession, since I haven’t been doing well since last February. Something in the Fall semester triggered me back into the past. I believe it was an abusive math professor that threw me into real serious anxiety attacks again.

The PTSD really comes from the Army, not this incedent. I was nearly cut in two while in Germany on a night move. There were lots of abuse involved afterwards resulting in the relief of a high ranking sergeant that was abusing me for my faith and for just wanting to improve my life by becoming an officer. A year later in the states I was facing serious charges that would have ruined my life, my chance to return to college and dishonor for the rest of my life. God was with me then too and I was exonerated of any charge. The Lieutenant that tried to lie his way of of trouble, using me as his scape goat, was booted out of the service, which I only recently discovered after locating our former commander, a retired colonel. He wrote a statement for me on my behalf over the incedent.

The priest violated a trust resulting in my lack of trust towards clergy. After the accident, my personality changed and I became nearly combative with people. It’s a symptom that I only realized recently after the VA diagnosed me with PTSD, combat related even though it was really training. Training is very dangerous and many die through it. I witnessed 3 deaths just from training and that no doubt contributed to my eventual diagnosis. What angers me is the no one ever made the connecting until I brought it up trying to learn about it to help my wife. That’s when I realized I must have it too and had all the symptoms. If you read the symptoms that should confirm my concerns. I’m seeking full disability on account that I’ve gone through nearly 20 jobs since the Army. I’ve been on edge ever since. I was fired (unjustly in my opinion) only from one of those jobs, when my Army voice surfaced after being insulted by a coworker from another department. The others job changes were justified to move to something more financially sustainable in my justification but really reflected my problem. I am seeking help. Thanks for your concerns and mentioning that. Had I never received help before I might have frowned and scoffed at it, but it would have been a good reminder that I need help and can’t do this on my own.

My hope is that mental illness was what led to his severely sinful act. It’s quite likely. That would reduce his culpability to possibly not being culpable. Aside what he did to me and to other high school students before being sent to the seminary, he was a great professor. Spiritual direction was needy though. But he seemed to be typical of the time in that area. The explanation seemed so pretty to be forced to forgive him while understanding his unwanted acts back then. But the reality of it is that in the Protestant world and in our normal daily world, everyone knows that is no excuse for such bad behavior. That’s what angered me so much with the bishop. For many years I carried this with me. But when I was nearly killed and the fear, anxiety, etc manifested itself in the form of a “spiritual experience” I decided to return to the seminary to be a thorn in the bishops side by insuring he did the right things in the future to protect innocent and vulnerable. Fortunately, God led me down a different path that caused me to stumble out of the Church since I lost complete faith in it and the leaders at the time. There’s much more to the story, but I won’t go into it.

The main thing I want to be conveyed is that I need your prayers desperately to over come my anxieties causing me to stumble out of fear of losing my own life. I love God sincerely. I do believe he understands. However, I don’t want to assume or take advantage of His Divine Mercy.

Please say a prayer for the victims of this poorly formed fallen priest and his family. Say a prayer for him, should he somehow made it to purgatory for purification of his soul. Say a rosary as well and offer a mass, communion or whatever act of faith you practice.

Wanabesaint, you sound so confused. You’re question regarding revenge was uncalled for and frankly uncharitable considering the circumstances in my life. I requested prayers with a small amount of information. Though I replied to someone else with more information, it is only the tip of the iceberg. I won’t even justify your accusation with a reply towards it other than this post. I hope you never get in a position where people are under your care or authority because you will no doubt immolate this behavior in that role as well.

I agree with you in that it was not merely a pedophilia problem. But preying on vulnerable adults under the guise of being a holy leaders is very disturbing and quite frankly, intimidating from my experience - particularly when people like the person on here that accuses me of revenge without knowing details. Forgiving does not require freeing the persons from accountability. Forgiveness is also for oneself and their freedom. The law firm was merely to scream for help after multiple times of reaching out to the diocese to only be ignored and played down when there is on record an acknowledgement from the very priest that molested me in my sleep. There is no excuse for this bad behavior particularly since I fought against legal action all these years. It seems more like they waited for the statute of limitations to run out so they could ditch me. The priest’s name is on the website with admission and the diocese lied about the matter being settled with me. That was 2001. The offense occurred in 1980 at the bishops place, where I thought I would be safe with all the religious living there. It never dawned on me the priest had an ulterior motive. I tried the non-legal battle method to get them to pay for my healthcare related to the incident. I’m also seeking help from the VA for their part in my need for healthcare. I reverted to the Catholic Church only after a long struggle with faith and morals related to these issues. Learning history and church fathers is what brought me back, nothing more. The blessings have been enormous as my wife also came home with me after growing up actively in our previous faith, the Church of Christ.

One of the main reasons I kept my mouth shut and bottled up the anger for so many years relates to exactly what one on here did to me, accuse me of lies about seeking revenge. I waited since 1980 to seek legal help and justice. The man was in another teaching role surrounded by young victims waiting to be pounced upon. He could easily have been hiding under the guise of husband and father. It may have been a lie. But I choose to hope that he was seeking redemption from his former life. I forgave him daily. I wanted to face him for what he did to me and taking his life stole that from me. But I am truly sad to see him go like this.

Backing away from defending my actions, please continue to pray. Thank you for your prayers.

In my case, my PTSD has been deemed incurable, perhaps yours has, also. And I know from a lifetime of dealing with it, that it seems to be built of layers of traumas. When things happen repeatedly, or a series of things over years, especially when we are young, it just changes the way our brains work, I guess.

I bet I have 30 posters here on my ignore list, just because anything uncharitable or with a certain attitude is triggering. I hope you won’t have to fight too hard for disability, don’t fool around, get the lawyer, they usually don’t charge until you are approved. I understand about all the jobs.

I can only tell you this gets better with time, if you can make a quiet life with very regular habits and a regular prayer practice.

I have a lot of trouble going to Reconciliation. I manage maybe once a year. I have to trust in God’s mercy. Of course, my life is too circumscribed to get much opportunity for mortal sins, anyway! Thank God. Don’t beat yourself up unnecessarily. It’s so hard to tell the difference between making excuses for oneself and having a true impediment and the one you need to talk to about it is the one you can’t talk to about it.

Praying for you, please pray for me, also.

Thank you Julia for validating me. You sound just like me. Yes. So many tramatic moment sin my childhood and adult life experience contributed towards PTSD. It’s layered no doubt. I’ve made initial contact with representative for the VA disability and started contact for social security, which I’m scared to pursue out of fear of rejection and how i will respond to rejection. I understand the ignore list as well. I won’t go into details out of fear of retaliation from unimaginable sources. But I believe the only way people will get educated about mental illness is by being informed about it and told that they are not being nice. What they do is equivalent to screaming at a crippled person for not walking fast enough. I have many more analogies as well to describe why what they do and say is uncharitable. My college professors only sometimes recognize my disabilities.

My wife was raped repeatedly and feared reporting it on account of the threats and the fact that her church piers and parents would have blamed her. She knows what she’s talking about, I was a member of that faith for nearly 18 years before coming back home. They have similar clergy issues as well that never or rarely get reported. People pick on the big boy on the block, the Catholic Church.

I believe I may not be curable considering how hard I’ve tried to recover. I was even hospitalize for 2 months trying to stay alive and deal with it. The medical staff failed to realize that it was PTSD and diagnosed me with Major Depression Severe with major anxieties, particularly related to the military “for some unknown reason.” Talk about frustrating.

We PTSDers have to stick together. LOL.:thumbsup:

nobody can ever say anything, do anything to make this right, yet to learn from the situation, you cant get angry at others and contemplating what should we do. what can we do different.?

explotation of others is a tragidity of todays society, and yet many look on and do nothing.
we pray that others find the strength to stand against attrocities.
explotations of todays workers that they endure substandard wages, that the profits of wages might go to the stockmarkets to enhance the economics of the US is a good example.

Jesus didnt tollerate the people making a mokery of his fathers temple, for he ran the money changers out of the temple. but it was the final straw for those that saw themselves as above God and his New Covenant that Jesus called for. They whiped him, and scourged Jesus to not stand against them… and he came to carry a cross for it.

we as Cathoics and all humans have an obligation to stand against those that commit sins, to stand up for the oppressed and victims of attrocities, and to call for a stop to that which is sin, as Jesus did.

our body is a temple of God, and for that we also recognize that others bodies are temples of God, that we are obligated to stand against others to defile their own bodies, and the bodys of others.

We are coming to be a society that has no morals or virtues to the recognition that our bodies are a temple of God, and we are held to not only guard our own, but more so a greater obligation that we guard that of others as Jesus guarded his fathers temples and stood against attrocities to such, which cost him.

Our prayer is for the victims of todays attrocities of acts agaisnt the temple of God, but more so that they might have strength to stand and act agaisnt those that defile the human body, to stop and stand agaisnt the acts.
But a greater prayer, and recognition for those that stand against attrocities of human.

the trafficing of humans today is greater than all of world history, for people fail to stand against the attrociites of the discounting of explotation of humans. WE pray that people to come to admonish the sinners who deem themselves leaders, but fail to stand agaisnt this explotation of human lives.

we would pray that those who come to be victims in the evils that happen, have the courage to stand that they call for an end to the attrocities, that they rise to the call of the real justification of war, is to stop evil, and to bring peace…

God, we pray that we are not put to the test, to be called to war agaisnt evil, but that we are, may your will prevail that we stand as your son agaisnt evil, may we being willing to carry the cross and bear the rejection of your son did. God give us strength to not look on and do nothing when we witness evil.

and a special prayer to the children who come to rise up and stand against evil in today society, for they will find themselves NOT in a political correct enviroment in a nation that fights wars of revenge, and has leaders who themselves teach revenge, and the mutilation and murder of the unborn itself.

How did a civilization come to follow the evils of Stalin in his bid to make Russia a Godless society, exactly the same as the US today comes to condon the evils of todays leaders is the example.
WE dont have to ask how evil leaders, people of a Godless minds come to lead others, we get a front row seat today…

The main thing I want to be conveyed is that I need your prayers desperately to over come my anxieties causing me to stumble out of fear of losing my own life. I love God sincerely. I do believe he understands. However, I don’t want to assume or take advantage of His Divine Mercy.

Please say a prayer for the victims of this poorly formed fallen priest and his family. Say a prayer for him, should he somehow made it to purgatory for purification of his soul. Say a rosary as well and offer a mass, communion or whatever act of faith you practice.

You are a brave soul but remember that you must trust fully in Jesus mercy. He seems so clear in Sister Faustina diary that he wants us to trust in him and his divine mercy. You are loved beyond word. I pray that only good come from your past experience and your actual experience. I pray for you to be at peace and anyone that are involved to be bath in peace, comfort, love and wisdom. I pray for love to prevail and for you to be empowered by the love of God. Amen!

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