Friend is cheating on his wife

Hi everyone,
My friend has disclosed to me that he is cheating on his wife and once he knows he has a future with this girl, he is planning on divorcing his wife to be with her.

I am good friends with both he and his wife and I don’t know what to do. Do I tell my good friend what her scum bag husband has recently disclosed to me or do I wait until he tells her his plans which may not happen until at least February?

I don’t want to those their friendship but I am also in an awkard position.

What do you suggest?

Wow! I can only say what I would do and why. The wife would find out, and sooner than later. With all the STD issues and just the fact that this is going on it is better for her to know. I guess no matter what choice I made I would certainly feel caught in the middle.

I am single and never dated, but I know of others who have been cheated on and the pain and suffering they endure is awful. Unfortunately it seems that the cheaters are repeat offenders, so this may or may not be the first time this has happened with your friend. It more than likely won’t be the last time. For these reasons I would be compelled to tell her what is going on. Then leave it to the couple to work it out–hopefully with sound spiritual counseling and advise.

How sad for her and if there are children, for them. I wonder if the “other woman” knows that your friend is married? These kinds of secrets are never worth keeping in my book.

Assuming both of these people are close friends, about equal in friendship, then I think his confiding his affair in you to be indicative of an attitude that the woman is inherently less than. I can’t imagine why he would tell you knowing that you are friends with his wife too unless he just assumes all men think like he does.

I would of told him this flat out, right away. His wife has a right to know, just as he would have a right to know if she were sleeping around on him. If she gets infected with a disease that he contracts while having an affair, then I would worry about my own culpability in inflicting that harm, since she probably would not have sex with her cheating husband if she knows.

The other thing I find disturbing is how he wants to keep it secret for now to see if this other woman will work out, and then divorce his wife if it does. Justice demands that his wife know this.

But obviously that’s going to drag you into this world of hurt he created. I can see why a person would not want anything to do with this debacle. But if my friend were being victimized by this, I would be a friend and inform her, just as I would want to be informed if it happened to me.

When this man disclosed his affair to you, did you ask him if he was out of his mind?

I don’t know about telling his wife, but I would make it very clear to this man that what he is doing is wrong. I would refuse to engage in any conversation about the affair - unless it’s about ending it. If he continues to persist in his delusion I would certainly stop the friendship with him.

I agree with this and I would end the friendship if the cheater shows no sign of stopping his affair.

Anytime you interfere with a couple’s marriage, you never really know what you are getting into. You have no idea what his wife’s secrets are. You don’t know what she knows and how she would take the news (if it is news) and what she might do when she hears it. She may not even believe you. Talk to her husband. Learn that you are making things up and end up hated by both of them. Could go any number of ways. Someone might even get killed. You never really know, especially when it comes to marriage because there is potentially a great deal of emotion involved. You essentially end up becoming another person in their relationship, which is already overcrowded. You don’t know what the husband will do in the long run. He may see his error, end the affair, confess to his wife, and save his marriage.

If it were me, I would tell my friend that what I think he is doing is wrong but that I do not want to be involved in their marriage. I would tell him I that I cannot, in good conscience, be available to him as a friend during this time in his life because I consider his wife to be a friend as well. Then I would turn my attention to my own affairs and call him next year. Although you may prefer to keep dialog open so that you can offer good advice. Keep in mind though if you offer advice on his marriage and he takes it, then things wrong, you might bear the blame in his and maybe her eyes as well for meddling.

been there done that.
OP. you are not obliged to tell the wife, but if she asked if her ‘treasure’ was stepping out I would tell her.

Thank you for all of your responses so far. From what I know, I don’t think he is sleeping with the other girl right now. He is dating her as in they go out to lunch and they skpye when his wife is at work, they talk on the phone a lot etc. Fortunately there aren’t any children. The wife is infertile. I did tell him that she needs to know. The sooner the better. I don’t want to lose his wives friendship but I also know she needs to know. My friend is acting like a scum bag and this isn’t the first time he has considered leaving. He spoke about it about a year ago as well.

If you have any more suggestions, please send them along.

Thanks SG

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