My best friend is planning on trying IVF. She has had 2 ectopic pregnancies and her doctor is telling her that is her best bet. I don’t think she should and I am having a hard time talking to her about it. I basically have been silent and keep saying that there is a chance her tubes aren’t blocked (they are doing a test in June) and that she could still conceive naturally. Any advice on what to say to her? She is not Catholic.
Read what the Church has to say in the Catechism and in Donum Vitae and then put that into your own words.
Good luck. People obsessed with having children to the point of using IVF often don’t listen to reason. It is disordered, but they will rationalize. And, they have many secular voices telling them it is a good thing.
If she is not Catholic but Pro Life, make sure that she understands that many kinds of IVF include killing babies.
No, she is not totally pro-life. We have a mutual friend that had a traumatic abortion and 10 years later hasn’t gotten over it and it has made her realize that abortion hurts women, but I think it would be a far stretch to make her think she is aborting babies using IVF.
Not far at all. IVF creates many embryo’s. Those that aren’t used are generally distroyed.
I think if she is not pro-life and she is not Catholic, there is nothing you can say that will convince her to not try for a baby with whatever means are available to her so you’re wasting your time. This is especially true if YOU have already been blessed with children.
Infertility is a very heavy burden to carry. If she has already lost two babies, I imagine she’s getting desperate. Pray for her. Pray that she doesn’t have to make the choice to terminate any of the embryos. I think you can express your feelings (I disagree with your decision to do IVF) but then let it go and just be her friend.
Look up the Paul VI Institute and see if their’s a specialist in your area to refer her to (she will just have to know that this dr. will provide the BEST chance for her to have a successful pregnncy. I know a couple that used ALL their extra money and vacation and sick days for failed IVF. Also, I know someone who did IVF and was pregnant with twins, but had to choose which twin should die so that they both wouldn’t die. From my understanding, this is a very common difficult decision for IVF. So no matter what, going through with IVF she still will more than likely have to face the decision to abort at least one (if not both) child (if more than one takes).
Actually, that’s not true. It’s very rare would they abort a twin. Only if it’s a medical problem would they advise terminating one twin or the person carrying doesn’t want twins. I know someone who had healthy triplets due to IVF on a pregancy board. One person who was carrying twins had ashermans and fibroids and decided on their own to terminate one.
I agree with Carol Marie’s post. If she isn’t Catholic and isn’t really bothered by abortion, there is little you can say to her to convince her what she is doing wrong. Any “preaching” that you do could come across as unempathic and/or self-righteous.
To be a good friend, you must listen more than you speak. To help get your point across, you could ask her rhetorical questions for her to think about (e.g., ask her what is she going to do with the leftover embryos, what happens if she becomes pregnant with multiples, etc.). As someone who has also suffered the pains of infertility, I know how desperate your friend must feel. This is a time for you to show her compassion and support.
Please keep your friend in your prayers. This is the best thing that you can do for her. I will also be praying for you both.
Agree with others, if she is not pro life and not Catholic, your best course is to speak to her once, then pray and love her. Let her know that you love her and that you really care about her pain. Prayer can work miracles, and love can melt the hardest heart.
I agree with others that non-Catholic and not pro-life means those arguments will probably not work.
I would give info about PPVI Institute. Infertility is usually caused by physiological problems. You could encourage her to find out the problems and be treated so that she can be healthier for the rest of her life.
There are so many stories of women who have been helped. Only one piece of my puzzle was finding endometriosis that had folded my colon in half, causing chronic constipation for over 15 years. I may never have another child, but my quality of life has increased beyond measure. I would not have known or been treated for this had I gone the “IVF route.”
Have you asked her if she would consider adopting or fostering a child?
Is she a good, good, friend or just an acquiantance? Maybe you could sit her down and say, You know I love you but I have to say as a Catholic I think this may be a sign to look to other avenues to have children. I could only see that as a possibility if you guys were *really *close friends and she knew you were speaking out of love and concern for her.
Whether you do or you don’t speak to her about this…pray for her!! Like someone else posted, prayer can and does work miracles.
I have not given up hope yet, but she is now dodging my calls. She can’t believe I am reacting negatively to this and asked her to try again naturally after they look at her tubes. She says I don’t get it, don’t understand the complications that could arise from another ectopic. I feel like I am losing her. She thinks I am totally being unsympathetic to her situation. I don’t know what to say to her. I am so sad that our friendship is coming to this.
If you are one of the fortunate women who has not had to deal with infertility, I can tell you right now that she is correct: you don’t- can’t- understand what she is going through. I know from personal experience that dealing with infertility can cause a bit of insanity. Even if you thought you didn’t want children, finding out that you cannot have them normally is a blow to the gut. It’s even worse if you do want them and are unable. She is not thinking rationally right now, and also does not have a faith such as yours to keep her on the moral straight and narrow. If you have children of your own that you conceived, carried, and bore naturally, through no fault of your own you are another nail on her personal cross (again, I speak from personal experience). You have fulfilled your duty to admonish the sinner and speak the truth. You are not helping by forcing the issue on someone who is grieving and not rational. Please do both of you a favor, step back, and pray as hard as you can for her. God works miracles where we cannot.
Jen has expressed everything I wanted to say, but better! Offer up prayers for her at the Consecration. I have done this for years when faced with one of those “impossible” situations. Miracles have happened. I will pray for your friend.
I have experienced an ectopic, and it is just awful.
My advice, go find a pretty friendship card and write her telling her that you love her and value her friendship. Keep the lines of communication open. Pray for her and remember, you may be the light that leads her to the Faith.
Well-2 things. I have never been pregnant. So, I am not sure about what my future holds in this department.
I got a hold of her last night, but there were awkward silences. We steered l clear of the IVF subject.
I will and do pray for her. I will pray a rosary for her daily. She is aware how important pro-life issues are to me. I have not gone out and told her I think it is wrong to do IVF. I just danced around the subject offering alternatives. At this point, unless she asks, I will not be any more direct. I am sure that she knows why I wasn’t all “ohh fun, IVF”.
I hope that this doesn’t end our friendship and she grows to accept and respect my position. If she choses to go IVF, I will still love her and be her best friend.