friend situation: how to be charitable while holding the church's position

I am having a hard situation with regard to a very good friend and I would like to get some advice as to how to address it. My friend had been dating a guy for two months and having sex with him which obviously I don’t agree. She got pregnant and it was kinda intentional as she pretty much tried to tied him up after he told her he was desperate for having kids, which I don’t agree either. The problem is that one day after he broke up with her, she found out that she was pregnant. She called me and she is now desperate because of the pregnancy. She iS terrified that as a result of the break up he is not going to want the baby and she told me she doesn’t think she can keep the baby because of economical reasons and she doesn’t want to do it alone. I told her I don’t agree with abortion that she should in case of his walking away, have the baby on her own. The father still doesn’t know, she called him but he hasn’t call her back and she is dying of desperation. My problem here is I think her behavior is totally irresponsible and wrong but I don’t want to give her a lecture as she is having a really bad time at this moment and she is a very close friend so I want to be as charitable as possible, but how can I do this while at the same standing up from a pro life position? She hasn’t decided for.an abortion yet as pretty much everything depends if the father is on board, but I know if he is not she is going to come to me, can ant of you give ideas of how can I approach the subject being both charitable and insisting that abortion is wrong? Do you guys agree I am doing right by not saying anything regarding the fact she got.pregnant and she should have known better and that I think is irresponsible? What others would say to a friend in this situation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated .

Have you talked with her about the possibility of giving the baby up for adoption?

Some things you can do with her or on her behalf:

  • Talk to a local parish for help, they have plenty of resources and experience.

  • Contact the Gabriel Project to see if they have resources in your area (215-379-6830, angels319@comcast.net ).

  • Contact a local Catholic pregnancy center (see here). There is so much they can do for her in the meanwhile!

There is a lot of irresponsibility here, of course. But for reasons not known to us, God’s divine providence put you next to her right now. Act like the man of God’s parable in Lk 10:25-37 and you will be blessed.

This world will scream one loud word in her ears: abortion. But there are many choices even if things don’t work out with the father, even if she does not wish to keep the child and grow him. To kill him is the worst of all options, just like suicide is the worst solution to life problems, and if she ever mentions it to you, I wouldn’t even be too disturbed and simply reply, as if it was the most normal thing in the world, that to kill the baby is murder even if he is still not fully developed.

Meanwhile let’s pray hard that the father is touched by this and decides to be a man about this, responsibly accepting his fatherhood and marrying her.

I wouldn’t talk about what happened at all. This is no time for sermons. She is well aware that what happened was wrong, and the last thing she needs is for a friend to further torture her.

Please, take those steps and try to help her, try to save the child. We will pray for all to work out, if it be God’s will.

You will gain nothing by lecturing her about getting pregnant at this time of her life. What she needs from you is friendship and support. Even if the father of her baby wants to have nothing to do with her or the baby, he is still legally responsible to support the child. She should tell him first and then consult with an attorney if it looks like there will be a problem. At the right time, remind her that adoption is still a good choice for her and the baby. There are many adoption agencies that keep records and will unseal them at a later date so a reunion is possible when the child reaches adulthood. Many years ago, my sister in law had a baby, at 16, and gave it up for adoption. They were reunited about 20 years ago (he was raised Catholic!), have a good relationship and he is now part of 2 families. Things seem a little crazy now, but they will all work out in the end.

A big weight upon you! So seek help and advice from your local priest.

One thing is certain, two things must be done (sorry… lot of wisdom reading lately).

  1. lecture time on her past is not necessary (remember Job? “Miserable comforters, are you all!”). Love, yes, understanding, support, etc… but that never means agreeing with what she did. Never insist she acted correctly or justifiably. Just don’t bring it up, but if it comes to a head, state the fact and move on.

  2. Never permit her to do something immoral, like abortion. Don’t stand by idly, don’t support it, etc. This doesn’t have to be discussed unless she makes it clear she’s seriously considering it. If she’s not considering it, don’t bother with it. If she is, make sure she is aware of how incredible a sin she’s about to commit-- how many of us will associate with murderers, unrepentant no less?

I’m not proper to give you advice; go seek a priest! Look at the resources given to you here, as well, and seek guidance from the Church!

There might be a time to bring her attention to her irresponsible life choices, but now is definitely not that time. She needs support right now.

I know someone who recently went through something similar. It was a terribly bitter break up. But once he found out about the child, that changed everything. He was an adult, he set aside his personal feelings, and he took responsibility. Of course, there are plenty of guys that don’t do that, but she won’t find out until she tells him.

But even so, this child’s life ought not depend on this guy’s reaction. This is where your friendly support comes in. And adoption is always an option.

I work with Birthright, an international crisis pregnancy center. There are 3 of them in Mass., in Marlborough, Framingham, & Falmouth. Here is the general link: birthright.org/en/

If she calls one of those places, they will offer her support and help her see her choices, and walk with her through her pregnancy.
She is a mother now; her only choice is whether she will be the mother of a live baby or a dead one. It should not depend on what the father thinks.

Thank you so much for all the thoughtful responses, you all gave me good ideas.I really liked R_C’s comparison with suicide. For some odd reason I think I freaked out too much when I heard her saying “I don’t know if I can kept the baby” because I thought oh lord is she thinking about abortion, and I didn’t bring the subject of adoption, as I tried to talk her out of the idea of having an abortion. She is also a fallen catholic so I was worried about her thinking about abortion. Thanks to God I spoke with her later (after reading the responses) and she never mentioned the word abortion. She was more scared over not knowing what to do so I gave her the info of all pregnancy help centers, (thanks Viki, I had no idea about these centers in MA so your post came in great) talk to her about abortion not being the right option and she in the end said she was going to contact the centers. And again thanks to God, who definitely listens to prayers, the father after the initial shock is on board with the idea of fatherhood, so I am glad to say that this baby will happily live. Again I am not really on board with single motherhood but I feel glad that at least they are choosing life. Last time I spoke with her, she told me that she was upset at the father’s family because he told them and what they suggested was an abortion. She did not like that and was worried that would put pressure on him. I told her she should talk with him to reinforce the idea that abortion is murder and I gave her the suicide comparison very well stated by R C. She sounds now decided to have the baby and quite excited about motherhood so again, I think the important thing here now is that even though his mother is not quite on board with the church’s teachings she is choosing life. :smiley:

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