Friend's Wedding Causing Family Stress


#1

My friend is getting married in August and she asked me to stand in the wedding and I agreed. I also have a significant disability (cerebral palsy) so before I agreed to be in the wedding,

I, of course, talked to my parents about it before the wedding since the wedding is 600 miles from where we live and my parents would have to drive me since I cannot drive. They said it was fine, probably because my parents have known her parents for 22+ years and our dads work for the same company.

Unfortunately, it has turned into a royal mess. My friend wants me there way before the wedding, like 3 days before, and doesn't seem to understand how difficult this would be for my family as the wedding is in a town where we have no friends or family. I feel super guilty as it means my parents will be "stranded" in this town with nothing to do for 3-4 days.

In addition to this, another friend standing in the wedding has purposely rearranged her plans so she cannot give me a ride down to the wedding just so she can be with our friend for an entire week w/out me and then expects me to be there whenever she thinks I should be.

It's so stressful because I am trying to keep my friend happy but my parents are getting so upset with the entire situation...I know they're not upset w/ me but I feel responsible. And it's not just my issue, my friend keeps making plans that is making it nearly impossible for her guests to attend her wedding.

I would never break my promise to stand in the wedding but I have felt tempted to. I am trying to be charitable to all involved but I am sick of being treated as though I am the bad guy...I have had my disability for my entire life and we've known each other since we were babies so it's not like she doesn't know how my disability complicates things.

I just feel like I have to reconcile what my parents are able to do/afford but still be a good friend but it's just causing tons of stress at home and I am the one who has to deal with it. Every time I try to come up with a solution, someone is not happy and I get really anxious. I don't think I'll stand in another wedding (except for my 2 sisters) because I cannot deal with all the drama...

Any ideas as to how to keep the friends satisfied and still do the right thing in honoring my parents? Sorry if this is a bit confusing!


#2

call your friend who certainly knows your situation and say I am sorry, it is impossible for my parents to bring me to your city before (Friday, whatever) day, so if you still want me at the wedding, or to be in it, I will be honored, but cannot take part in anything other than the rehearsal the night before. I know you understand and you know you have our best wishes for your happiness whatever you decide.

The other member of the wedding party had no problem changing her plans, so you should have no problem explaining that you cannot change yours.


#3

[quote="skigirl1689, post:1, topic:242615"]
...In addition to this, another friend standing in the wedding has purposely rearranged her plans so she cannot give me a ride down to the wedding just so she can be with our friend for an entire week w/out me and then expects me to be there whenever she thinks I should be....

[/quote]

Prayers for you! Thank you for sharing you story it sounds like you are under a great deal of stress!

The portion of your post that I highlighted really stood out to me. I am completely baffled. Why would another woman purposely arrange her plans in order to exclude you? Are you enemies? Either you are seeing way too much into her actions or she wants nothing to do with you for no reason whatsoever? Not sure what to say that part of your post is confusing to me.

I think you are burdening yourself unnecessarily. When the bride asks you to be somewhere all you need to do is say very politely "I am so sorry I wish I could be there but I am unable to." If she persists just keep saying "I am so sorry I wish I could be there but I am unable to" and keep saying that over and over and over again.

Dear skigirl, this is not just advice for the wedding, it is advice for LIFE. When someone asks you to do something that you simply cannot do...all you need to do is say "I am so sorry but I cannot..."

Concentrate on the parts of your life that you have control over and hand the rest over to God. Easier said then done but that is my best advice. God bless you.


#4

When you decided you wanted to stand in at the wedding, I’m sure you did not know that the bride was going to complicate things… Therefore, you agreed to her terms. Whether you actually “promised” anything or not has no worth. She has chosen to change the “terms of agreement”, and, as such, you are no longer bound to your said promise.

You’ll need to tell her that you cannot be in town 3 days before the ceremony. Perhaps it would be possible for her to arrange another way for you to make it over (by bus or train?). If not, you’ll have to tell her that she needs to bow to your needs (and not her wants:mad:) or find someone else.


#5

I'm blind and can't drive, either. I was a groomsman at my friend's wedding last year. Fortunately, we have mutual friends, so I bought plane tickets and road to the airport with another groomsman who was also a friend.


#6

I really have no idea why she did what she did. She kept saying she did not have quality time with the bride during the past year and needed to have some… well I’ve seen the bride only one evening in 11 months so it’s not like she’s the only one. But I really don’t think we could handle an entire week together. I wouldn’t say we are at odds with each other but maybe she feels threatened by me for some reason.

Yes, I know I’ve always burden myself way too much and my mom and I chatted tonight and she told me not to worry about it as they’d make sure it worked out. I think sometimes I tend to try to make things easier for my parents as my disability poses a lot of unusual situations with the family, like when I was 16 and then again at 19 I had major surgery and spent 9 and 3 weeks respectively not able to walk and they had to do everything for me and then this past year was a new adjustment, leaving home for my last two years of college. But I know for them it is just normal and we deal with it.

I have learned whatever happens, I more than likely won’t make the bride happy:o She didn’t really like the dress I chose from the options she decided on. Oh well.

Thank you so much for your advice, it helps to get it out and get another viewpoint.

God Bless!


#7

Go when it is convenient for you and your parents. You should not feel guilty because you don't have anything to be guilty for. You agreed to be in her wedding, not a week of activities.

Many brides are overcome with wedding fever and turn into bridezillas. Just ignore her demands. Make your plans according to what YOU can do and to hell with the rest.


#8

You know, there is a reason the term “bridezilla” came to be. :eek:
Brides seem to just want everything their way, which is understandable. It’s supposed to be the most joyous day of their life up to that point. Maybe since I never married I don’t get it, but seriously - consider why they have a reality TV show dedicated to bridezillas and maybe it’ll be a little easier to tell your friend that you just can’t accomodate her this time.
God bless you and good luck!


#9

[quote="1ke, post:7, topic:242615"]
Go when it is convenient for you and your parents. You should not feel guilty because you don't have anything to be guilty for. You agreed to be in her wedding, not a week of activities.

Many brides are overcome with wedding fever and turn into bridezillas. Just ignore her demands. Make your plans according to what YOU can do and to hell with the rest.

[/quote]

I agree. There seems to be a prevailing view these days that the wedding should be 100% focused on the bride. Whatever the bride wants the bride gets, everyone needs to go out of their way to make the bride happy, etc.
Yeah, I know the bride is an important part of the wedding but seriously, some of these brides need to get over themselves. It's like all the "power" goes to their heads and they think it's ok for them to be jerks to everyone in the weeks or months leading up to their weddings. ugh.


#10

Definitely agree with the bridezilla comments, it has turned into that. This is my first non-family wedding I have attended/been involved in where I am close to the bride or groom and it is totally different. All my family members' weddings were family-focused, church-focused (mainly Catholic, but not all), and just seemed so relaxed and enjoyable. They are having a Christian ceremony but it's outside, in August (90°+ temps), and she wanted a small wedding but her guest list is almost 300 people.

Yeah, not really envying the other bridesmaid, she's sleeping on the future couple's apartment floor for a week. And the bride wants me to stay w/ her:eek: I'd rather pay for a motel room myself, haha!


#11

I think sometimes I tend to try to make things easier for my parents as my disability poses a lot of unusual situations with the family, like when I was 16 and then again at 19 I had major surgery and spent 9 and 3 weeks respectively not able to walk and they had to do everything for me and then this past year was a new adjustment, leaving home for my last two years of college. But I know for them it is just normal and we deal with it.

skigirl, this really tugs at my heart. you have physical challenges. quite different from your physical challenges, my daughter has developmental disabilities. i read what you wrote and feel certain: much as my whole heart belongs to my girl, i do not love her more than your parents love you! just reading the way you write about them it’s clear-- they LOVE you!!! what an astonishing blessing you are to them-- especially in your sensitivity and gratitude.

one of my best friends is completely blind. her mother, a gentle soul of goodness and peacefulness has always nick-named her daughter, my friend, Mitzvah. which is Jewish word for blessing. i said, “P., why does your mother call you Mitzvah?” she said, “my mother has always said i was her greatest blessing. i taught her how to give more than she thought she had. and she loves me for it.”

our truest friends will see in us opportunities to give more than they thought they had.

be at peace. you’re loved. and your story helped me tremendously today. thank you.


#12

[quote="skigirl1689, post:10, topic:242615"]
Definitely agree with the bridezilla comments, it has turned into that. This is my first non-family wedding I have attended/been involved in where I am close to the bride or groom and it is totally different. All my family members' weddings were family-focused, church-focused (mainly Catholic, but not all), and just seemed so relaxed and enjoyable. They are having a Christian ceremony but it's outside, in August (90°+ temps), and she wanted a small wedding but her guest list is almost 300 people.

*Yeah, not really envying the other bridesmaid, she's sleeping on the future couple's apartment floor for a week. * And the bride wants me to stay w/ her:eek: I'd rather pay for a motel room myself, haha!

[/quote]

Are they already living together?

:(


#13

No, they are not. I guess she’s living alone at their apartment for a few weeks before the wedding and then he’ll move in after the wedding…at least that’s my understanding of the situation.


#14

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.