Frustrated and Unwed


#1

Sorry, it’s me again, and I’m here to vent, so please feel free to ignore this if you’d like to, but…

I tried Ave Maria Singes.com. My father’s not in great health and I’m not crazy about the idea of leaving the state to find a Catholic man to become engaged to, and I live in Texas, so you’d think there would have been a lot more Catholic males from here, but my area’s a little short. There you go.

I tried OKCupid.com. In my profile I explicitly stated that I don’t believe in ANY kind of drug use, no birth control, no sex outside of marriage, etc. I get a lot of hits from guys who are Evangelicals or Mormons, but the only “Catholics” I’ve met online talk about enjoying physical relationships - one guy emailed me on OK to tell me that he thought we were almost exactly alike, except for the no-sex part, as he “couldn’t live without sex” but that was okay because he could do with mutual mastrubation or phone sex or something, we could work things out. I told him no thank you and haven’t heard back from him since.

I tried True.com and got one result with a guy who turned out to be rather New Age and whose ideal hangover cure was a shot of tequila followed by a fatty (another name for a marijuanan cigarette I discovered after our only date).

I’m not exactly a stunning beauty. I’m well aware of that. I’m 32 years old and overweight, currently losing weight (Yay Weight Watchers!) and working out three times a week. I’ve gotten my hair done and expanded my wardrobe. So I’m not down on myself about being hideous anymore - I know that with time and patience, I’ll be able to get myself to a more appropriate weight and I’ll be healthier in the long run. I’m not ugly faced, either, so it’s not like I’m a troll.

I am having issues, though, because I’m trying to figure out how to meet a guy who’s willing to get to know me, talk to me, have fun doing things together, a guy who doesn’t expect sex out of me and who’s really looking for a wife.

And pity, I haven’t got a clue how to find a guy like this! I mean, maybe I do need to move out of state, but that’s a lot to do for a guy you meet online.

Work isn’t a good place to go looking - I currently work in an office where the only two men who even step inside are both married to Catholic women. Everyone else is either a boss (don’t date your boss! Especially if all the bosses are married) who work upstairs and I see them once a week in a big group meeting, or else is female. My entire department is 100% female - both bosses and our shipper included.

My church offers a singles group, but it’s for people over 40, and I’m only 32. I don’t want to look like a gold-digger if I go out with someone who’s older than me, and it would weird me out if I were to date someone only a few years younger than my mother (she’s 51). And I don’t think they’ll let me into the group - they make it very clear that it’s for people over 40.

I really don’t want to have to wait until I’m 40 until I meet someone…

The other groups for “singles” are the Catholic Daughter’s group, which is 100% female and a little hard to meet guys at, the “Family Fun Night” group that consists of mostly kids and a handful of adults to keep the children in line, and a group for teenagers where the adults are only around as chaperones.

Plus, a lot of the guys that I do know from church are all married and I have no idea how to even find the single ones. It seems like almost all the men attending Mass are married by the time they’re in their early 20s.

I tried a secular writer’s club, but most of the people involved are Baptist or Methodist, which is okay I guess, except that I’m not crazy about Baptists in general (I disagree with the majority of their beliefs - I don’t worship a cracker, I worship Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior, whose Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity are conferred onto bread and wine to make them his true Flesh and Sacred Blood. So there) and the Methodists in the group were pretty lax about their feelings about sexuality - none of them were virgins, but none of them were ever married, either.

I tried looking at my old job, but most of those people were non-Catholic Christians or else they were Hindu (I worked for an oil company at the time, very multi-national).

There is a couple here at my new job that were both “raised” Catholic but who are both going to a non-denominational church and I believe they were having sex before they married, but that’s just what I picked up from the rumor mill. Anyway, they seem to be the “norm” around here.

I feel wiped out and tired, especially since I’m getting lonely and I don’t feel like I have a calling for Holy Orders, and I really don’t relish the idea of dying alone, of never falling in love, of never having a baby (the older you get, the harder it is to get pregnant), of having nobody to fall back on when I get too old to take care of myself… I feel like I’ll end up in a convent anyway, even if I’m not Called, just to keep that from happening, but I feel like I’d be an awful nun, since I don’t really feel like I’m supposed to live a life of service and I’m way too worldly to be a good influence on anyone.

I’m 32 though… maybe I ought to consider just going in and getting it over with. I’m getting to old to find someone to marry… but I get so depressed at the thought.

I just needed to rant somewhere.


#2

You sound like my daughter who is only 29 to your 32 :p. We do have a young adults group both in our Parish and the Archdiocese that is for the younger set as well as a Singles group that seems to be populated by older - widows, widowers and the divorced. The Archdiocesan group meets at a bad time for my daughter so she doesn’t go to those but she keeps her every-other Friday pretty free for the Parish Young Adults.

I have not suggestions for you but I will pray for you too.

Brenda V.


#3

Tabsie,

I just wanted to offer some words of consolation. I’m sorry that you’re frustrated and struggling. Marriage is a good and natural desire, and it sounds like you’d be a great wife.

In terms of putting yourself out there, it sounds like you’re doing all that you can. I think you should continue pursuing the Catholic avenues (a guy who believes in the Church’s teach on birth control is also going to be going to weekly or daily Mass, attending Church functions, on AveMaria, etc.) Also, tell God what you’re looking for in a spouse (be specific: faithful Catholic, wants large family, whatever) and ask Him to find you someone who meets your criteria.

One thing you could consider in addition is to start to pray for him. Your future spouse is walking around out there somewhere. He’s thinking about something, worrying about something. Maybe he’s discouraged that he can’t find a good, holy, Catholic wife. Pray for his family, his work, his intentions. Pray that he prepares himself to meet you and be a good Catholic husband and father when the time comes. Pray that you meet him (and sooner, rather than later). This is a way that you can begin your marriage vocation and really love and serve your spouse, even before meeting him.

Ultimalety, I think you realize that the religious life is not a vocation of last resort for people who can’t find spouses. If you know that you need a spouse, God knows it too. He won’t call you to vocation in which you would be miserable.

God bless.


#4

:thumbsup:Hi,

Don’t give up!!! I met my husband online at Catholic Match when I was 45. We got married
two years later and now we have been happily married for almost two years. I am 50, he is
39. I was very relaxed when I met him for the first date because I figured he was looking for
friendship and not scrutinizing me for marriage. Our first date was a Catholic healing service and Chinese food, my favorite.

Catholic Match has you answer 7 questions about how committed you are to be Catholic.
For example, do you believe in the Church’s teaching about birth control, how often do you
attend Mass. etc. That way you can meet people equally committed. They have several forums in which you can get to know people better.

I suggest you join but relax and get to know people better. I met my husband in a very relaxed, low pressure setting. If God has a marriage plan for you, it will come to be.

Best wishes, and I will pray for you.


#5

Tabitha,
I can truly understand how you feel. Perhaps, you are spending to much energy in looking. Sometimes when we put our attention elsewhere or concentrate more on God without expecting it God will insure that it materilizes. Our society puts alot of pressure on women expecially to get married and then when they do some wish they were not. As they say people always want what they don’t have. Finally, and more importantly do not settle or compromise your beliefs and desires. Marriage is hard enough as it is and settling will bring nothing but misery. Continue to be prayerful and in the meantime spend some time concentrating on you: ie. you physicality, emotional and spirtual growth. I will leave you with a prayer that I find very beautiful perhaps this will help you:
Lord, You said that it is not good for us to be alone. You made us for each other. But Lord, I find it so hard to find that mate who would be a good spouse. Help me, Lord, to put this yearning for marriage in its proper place.

Lead me, Lord, to the one whom You choose for my spouse. While I wait for You to reveal Your Will in this matter, help me to know myself better. Help me to address those areas of my life which are disordered and which would interfere with my having a successful marriage. When my desire to find a spouse becomes all consuming, help me to relax and practice patience. Help me to invest in wholesome friendships which bring me closer to You and which will assist me in making such an important decision. It is so natural, Lord, to seek love.

Teach me to seek You first and to learn to give love before I try to receive it. Help me to remember that whatever journey this life leads me on, You are always present, always offering companionship, and always filling my deepest need. I offer You, Lord, my loneliness and my longing for marriage. I wait for You to lead me to Your perfect Will for me in this and all things. Amen.


#6

You’re 32, the chances of you meeting a man your age who is a virgin much less marrying him are slim to none. You have to think about how important it is for you to get married, whether you’d rather be married to someone “imperfect” or remain single.

It is possible to have a happy marriage to a person of a different religion or even no religion. It is possible to be happily married to someone who’s had other sexual partners in the past (true for most of us, regardless of religion).

No one but you can make this decision. People may tell you to never compromise on anything, but marriage is about compromise. It is very, very unlikely that you will meet the perfect man. If your standard is to marry a saint, marry Jesus by becoming a nun. Otherwise focus on finding someone you can be happy with, and whose flaws you can live with.

In the end, even if your husband is not a faithful Catholic, you may still remain a faithful Catholic. Maybe it’s time to edit your profile to include things like “I will not use birth control, but if you feel you must then I’m okay with that.”

You are also not “too old”, where I live the average age of marriage is around 30. But people who are faithful Catholics are practically non-existent. Just remember that it is possible to be happy and have a family with a cafeteria Catholic.


#7

Tabsie, hold on there… you are doing the right things, and don’t ever compromise on your values! It’s a lot better to be frustrated and unwed, than frustrated and wed! :wink: :thumbsup:


#8

Hang in there Tabitha! Your standards are perfectly normal, not too high at all. They’re what they should be. They only seem high because so many other people have lowered theirs. Wonder why there are so many dysfunctional marriages and divorces?..

But above all, PRAY. Pray for God’s will to be done–you can’t go wrong with that.


#9

I respectfully disagree. I don’t say don’t compromise at all, but the birth control issue, for example, is a matter of mortal sin. Tabsie could really end up “frustrated and wed”, with a man who is living in mortal sin.


#10

It would be mortal sin for her to use it, not a sin at all to have sex with a husband who chooses to use a condom. (Plenty of questions have been asked about this, including in the Ask an Apologist forum.)

It might be very hard for her to find a man, even a Catholic man, who would be willing to use NFP, but if he knows she can have sex with him while he uses a condom it might make that difference reconcilable.


#11

I don’t know…my husband (who isn’t Catholic) was sold on the idea pretty easily after the first time hearing about it. He was impressed by the “BC makes a woman UNhealthy” argument as well as the potential to objectify the woman with the “needing to consider the woman’s needs instead of just having sex on your watch all the time”. He knew the thing about Catholics and birth control but once he discovered the reasons why (and that there was more to it than to simply remove all barriers to conception) he couldn’t refuse. Who wouldn’t want to avoid degrading their wife?

Also the fact that his father told him that it’s nice but doesn’t really work in the real world and he’ll resort to condom use eventually really motivated him. He wants to stick it to the nay-sayers and prove it is possible. :thumbsup:


#12

There’s a big difference between a woman who finds herself in a marriage in which the husband insists on using condoms (because of her conversion, his lapsed religion, or other changed factors) and a woman who seeks such a husband because her standards have changed. Contraceptive sex is gravely disordered. Why would a woman who desires a long, lasting, and loving marriage (not to speak of intimacy or children) even consider a marriage partner who is already willing to abandon Catholic sexual morality?

I do agree that you ought to not rule out all non-virgins, though. People make mistakes, people change, and even if they never made mistakes, you’d be missing out on widowers.


#13

“'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try.
I can’t get no, I can’t get no… Satisfaction”

The Rolling Stones, “Satisfaction”

The first thought that comes to mind is that tabsie3210, the OP, is making an honest effort.

In seeking fulfillment of our life goals, we have to make that honest effort.

Just remember, “You’re never too old to rock’n’roll.” And never too old to get married, either. I once met an old gentleman of at least eighty, a widower, who was soon to marry his sweetheart.

Another idea. I meet ladies at social dance parties. Dancing is a wonderful way to meet people.

PMA, positive mental attitude, makes all the difference in the world. While we might not be able to marry the object of romantic fantasies, it is very likely that there is a great person out there for you. Don’t stop looking.


#14

It’s ok I vent here a lot just put another new post!! :frowning: I know terrible…BUT that’s what we are here for to give each other support, isn’t that what friends are for? :slight_smile: Anyhow, I can only imagine your frustration and it’s understandable but don’t give up! There is hope for everyone…Just take it slow, and be patient! :smiley: I know easier said than done…I should know I am one of the impatient ones but GOD responds to us at His time and believe me our time is never His time! I never imagined that my fiance would actually give me a house and pay off my car debt, lol, and out of now-where it happened like from one day to another and then gave me an official engagement ring? It was like WOAH?! WOW!! THANK YOU GOD!!! That’s all I can say seriously! I was in huge debt because of car and paying a really mean landlord, I get the bad ones. lol, and he helped me out! :smiley: GOD did of course, at His own time… Not on mine, not when I asked for it, not when I needed it, when He felt it was right…AND it couldn’t have been any better timing let me tell you! :smiley:

Just hang in there…Live your life normally, don’t over work yourself to finding the ONE, with GOD’s loving care and guidance you will find him if that’s what GOD wants for you, you know?!

Sometimes we are called to other things, but if you feel that you are meant to be married then give GOD the time He needs to send you the ONE, I did and I don’t regret it at all! :smiley: No matter what a basket case he is nor what a tornado his mother is! LOL Take care, remember GOD loves you and so do we! God bless!!! Keep praying and don’t lose hope!


#15

I never saw any of your other posts, so this information is new to me. I am sorry to see you are frustrated and haven’t had good experiences with online dating. I spent a lot of time in Texas for business (an entire year) in my early 20s. So let me share a little bit of my experiences down there…

After a period of really not doing anything outside of work, I realized you really have to be very proactive and also willing to drive 45 mins+ to get to know people. Everything is so spread out (much different than the East Coast where I am from). I eventually became friends with a guy at work who was active in his church (didn’t really know this at the time), but he invited me to join a coed soccer team he played on. So I took him up on the offer and met some really great people, most of which were older than me, but they all welcomed me immediately. I then found out the sports leagues were run by the church, as well as, other interest groups that were not sports related. After a month or so of getting to know everyone I had just about every mother there who had a daughter of college age or older trying to introduce or set me up with their daughter(s). It was quite flattering. Unfortunately, due to the fact I wasn’t going to be permanently in Texas, nothing materialized, but I did make some lasting frienships out of my time spent in the church organizations… all because I decided to go hangout with a friend I didn’t know was religious at all.

The point of the aforementioned story is that sometimes you may find a really desirable guy in a manner in which you disregarded or may not have thought of yet. Sometimes there are really good and faithful people out there who don’t always spend time in church groups or date online.

My suggestion is keep working to make yourself better and happy. Branch out and meet new people, even if you don’t want to date them, they may end up introducing you to a friend of theirs that is a great match for you. Make more female friends as they will know guys or have siblings, etc who are looking to meet single women like yourself. I have friends who aren’t really religious and have different values than me, but they understand my values/morals well and some of them have friends or acquiantances that they have introduced to me that have very similar values to me, so you never know who someone else may know.

As others have said - stay positive and be proactive… something good will come of it.


#16

You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders. I know it can be discouraging, but God has something in mind for you in his time.
BTW, 32 = not too old to find someone to marry. Don’t cut youself so short!


#17

Well first of all relax and let it go. I know it’s hard…I’ve cried, ranted and raved here on the forums along with the rest but you really just have to reach a point where you say “Ok God I feel the calling for marriage but I realize my timing might not be yours so in the mean time help me out”

I would recommend Catholicmatch.com. I’ve dated several nice men from that site and am currently am dating another one. Too early to tell where things will go but he’s a faithful practicing Catholic who treats me well. You have to have patience and keep in mind the numbers are against you in online dating but it’s a good way to meet people even friends who you might never have met in the real world.

I still believe the churches greatest failing today is it’s lack of support and attention to singles. I’ve seen various catholic singles groups fails because of this lack of support to the point where people won’t even try another because they feel it’s doomed from the start. :shrug:


#18

Never-married middle-aged single lady here. Looked into becoming a nun, got some wacky responses. Maybe one Order was actually testing me? While I’d be happy to marry a Catholic who follows the Pope, if the Lord doesn’t provide me with a man like that, I’m staying single. As of last year, it looks like I’m now an artist … which is still a surprise to me … it’s all just happening at this time in my life and is a way cool adventure!

Bottom line, God has a plan for you. He loves you and wants what’s best for you. I would suggest praying in a Eucharistic Adoration Chapel about where He wants you. :slight_smile:

~~ the phoenix


#19

Oh, it’s perfectly possible, yes, I admit it, but keep something in mind - if a guy is unwed but not a virgin, that means he’s had sex with previous partners, and that means that he is accustomed to sex outside of marriage, as my one boyfriend was - he used to have sex regularly with women he was seeing and with casual encounters, and he didn’t like us dating because when we were, he had to be celibate. He dumped me several times so he could go find someone to sleep with, and then got back together with me when he was tired of the non-relationships he had. I finally gave him up when he pulled a very bad stunt on a married friend of mine.

I’m not looking for perfection. I’m looking for someone who isn’t going to say, “Oh, that’s okay, you and I can cyber or have phone sex instead of doing it,” and then dump me when he finds out that I can’t do that.


#20

I know how you feel. I’m 28, and there are some days where I’m okay with being single. But then I think to the future, and I want someone by my side. I looked into beign a nun, but I don’t think that is where God is calling me. I’m a little overweight, but I’m losing the weight pretty quickly. :smiley: I’ve had my trangressions in the past, and it is hard to meet someone who is willing to forgive those, and I’m commited to live a chaste life. The Catholic guys don’t want anything to with you, and the others want to you to do it now. Oh well. I have my cats. :stuck_out_tongue: I’ll be praying for you. Once a week I dedicate my daily rosary to my future husband.


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