Hi, I’m 22 and I’m really confused as to which path I should take in life. As stated, I have a same sex attraction to men, but I’ve been celibate all my life. Yet, it’s infuriating to think that I’ll never be in love . With that being said, I’m also very religious and am even a theology minor in my school. But I’ve reached a point where I almost don’t want to be religious, that way I don’t constantly have to apply guilt and suppression towards various aspects of my life. It was from having a few extra theology classes this semester that I was brought back to feeling the presence of God to begin with (I had suffered something much like what St. John of the Cross referred to as the Dark Night of the Soul); but even though I had felt completely disconnected from God (and even hated) for a couple years, I still continued to pray/stay abstinent, etc.
What I noticed is that if I don't live religiously I end up becoming very depressed. At the same time, if I do live religiously I'm generally much happier, but I get ridiculously frustrated, I get saddened and worried thinking about my future, and whenever I fall into a lustful sin with myself (which always happens) I feel like there's no point in even trying to be religious (at least for a period of time). I don't think I would ever be able to be an atheist, my belief is certainty too deep seated for that. At the same time, there's still a lingering feeling of doubt (though repressed); It's from this doubt that I start wondering if I'm giving up love/sex etc for a belief that could be false to begin with; that's a lot of give up :/. I realize this isn't exactly a question, but I thought it might help if I at least seeked some kind of advice. I've never actually told anyone I know about being gay, thus, I've never told anyone about issues w/ faith as well.