Frustrated with this situation


#1

I’m 21 and in college, and have been with my bf on and off for 2 1/2 years. We’ve had issues. We live a long distance apart, I sometimes have trouble standing up to him, and he has major maturity issues. I broke up with him last May. He made all sorts of outrageous accusations, blocked his caller ID trying to get me to answer, almost went so far as to look up my new address(moved for unrelated reasons) on Peoplefinder, and generally behaved in a manner that would make me never want to get back with him.

I should have just ended contact, but in between this rancidness he would remind me of the way he was when we met when I was 18 and he was 19: Fun, caring, etc. About a month or two ago, he started to behave politely and, in my idiocy, weariness of him harassing me under the guise of being “just friends”, and loneliness I got back together with him.

He’s not acting the way he did when we broke up, but we still have many of the same issues as we did before. He pushes and pushes and I have a hard time standing up to him in the long term. He doesn’t try to control my life from 100 miles away as much like before, but it’s still a problem. Other things don’t directly affect how he treats me but make me not want him as a future mate, such as not taking responsibility when he flunks a class or gets into a car accident, or the fact that he sees nothing ethically wrong with cheating on midterms or stealing as long as he makes proper precautions not to get caught.

I could never see myself marrying him, but I’m a bit afraid to break up again.


#2

[quote=slackernerd]I could never see myself marrying him, but I’m a bit afraid to break up again.
[/quote]

Well you’ve listed a lot of reasons why you should break up with him. So why are you afraid?

Do you think he is faithful? If so, given his position of “it’s OK as long as you don’t get caught”, why would you think you are the only one?

Also, he’s a hundred miles away. No time like the present. Change phone numbers and be done with him. (I know, easy to say). The only way to leave him in the past is to make a clean break.


#3

I logically know it won’t work out and that I should split. Even other things that aren’t really anyone’s fault are still compatibility issues (like my wanting to get a job when I graduate and him wanting a PHD). I think the fear is a combination of this emotional attachment (rationally I know it’s not healthy but at the same time we do know each other pretty well in ways I haven’t with anyone else, probably because this is the only long term(>6 months) relationship I’ve ever been in.

Interesting what you said about faithfulness. When we were broken up and he was saying he wanted me back and that I couldn’t date until he gave me permission(as if he could control that when we weren’t together!) he simultaneously had an online dating profile. At the time, he was also falsely accusing me of unfaithfulness. I don’t think he’s being unfaithful right now, if only because we’ve only been back together for a month, but I wouldn’t know.


#4

Are you afraid to breakup because you don’t want to deal with his emotional reaction or do you think he would actually harm you?

It seems to me that you need to face the fact that you will experience some unpleasantness no matter what. You either have to deal with
[list]
*]his unhappiness about breaking up, whatever guilt feelings you may have, the inconvenience of changing phone numbers, etc, and loneliness.
[/list][indent][indent][indent]or
[/indent][/indent][/indent]
[list]
*]feeling manipulated -but connected- to an immature person.
[/list]In the short run the first option may be harder. But I think in the long run you will be happier breaking up with him.


#5

Slackernerd:

The longer you wait the harder it will be.
Do it now. Make a clean break and refuse to respond when he tries to talk with you.
Change your phone number, your email. Or else block his number.
If he resorts to intimidation, call the police.


#6

[quote=slackernerd]I logically know it won’t work out and that I should split.
[/quote]

Ah, so you know what you should do. Why aren’t you doing it? You said you are afraid. Of what?


#7

[quote=SMHW]Are you afraid to breakup because you don’t want to deal with his emotional reaction or do you think he would actually harm you?

It seems to me that you need to face the fact that you will experience some unpleasantness no matter what. You either have to deal with

[list]
*]his unhappiness about breaking up, whatever guilt feelings you may have, the inconvenience of changing phone numbers, etc, and loneliness.
[/list]
[indent][indent][indent]or
[/indent][/indent][/indent]

[list]
*]feeling manipulated -but connected- to an immature person.
[/list]In the short run the first option may be harder. But I think in the long run you will be happier breaking up with him.
[/quote]

Thanks, you hit the nail on the head. I know the first option is better. It’s just hard to take the plunge, do it, and move on.
I don’t think he’ll resort to anything illegal since he knows there’s no effective way he can get away with it.


#8

[quote=slackernerd]I’m 21 and in college, and have been with my bf on and off for 2 1/2 years. We’ve had issues. We live a long distance apart, I sometimes have trouble standing up to him, and he has major maturity issues. I broke up with him last May. He made all sorts of outrageous accusations, blocked his caller ID trying to get me to answer, almost went so far as to look up my new address(moved for unrelated reasons) on Peoplefinder, and generally behaved in a manner that would make me never want to get back with him.

I should have just ended contact, but in between this rancidness he would remind me of the way he was when we met when I was 18 and he was 19: Fun, caring, etc. About a month or two ago, he started to behave politely and, in my idiocy, weariness of him harassing me under the guise of being “just friends”, and loneliness I got back together with him.

He’s not acting the way he did when we broke up, but we still have many of the same issues as we did before. He pushes and pushes and I have a hard time standing up to him in the long term. He doesn’t try to control my life from 100 miles away as much like before, but it’s still a problem. Other things don’t directly affect how he treats me but make me not want him as a future mate, such as not taking responsibility when he flunks a class or gets into a car accident, or the fact that he sees nothing ethically wrong with cheating on midterms or stealing as long as he makes proper precautions not to get caught.

I could never see myself marrying him, but I’m a bit afraid to break up again.
[/quote]

DO not date anyone you wouldn’t want to marry. These are serious red flags and if he behaves like a stalker again (which is why I am assuming that you are afraid to break up with him) Get a restraining order. The sooner you lay your boundaries the better, and you are not responsible for his actions unless you allow it. If you stay with him you are partly to blame for his treatment toward you because you are allowing it. This is one of those life lessons most of us learn at one time or another, so just break it off and learn from it!

Break it off.


#9

He is an abuser. Break up with him, change your phone number to an unlisted one, get a restraining order if you must.

Walk away and do not look back. Do not be “friends”.

Period.


#10

You already know you don’t want to marry the guy, he makes you doubt yourself, feel nervous as a wet cat and worry about his every reaction to your action…so WHY are you still dating him other than fear!!!

My old rule of thumb from my dating years…anytime anyone you’re dating inspires fear in you–make tracks and get away–the sooner the better. It is your own common sense confirming that his unreasonable/irrational behaviour is part of an unhealthy attachment–whether he’s your first or 15th boyfriend.


closed #11

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.