Frustration in being continuously told "its just a date"

#397

Exactly.

The sweetest older couple at my parish is a mixed faith marriage. She is Catholic and he is Jewish. They are both devout. He comes to Mass with her every Sunday and she goes to synagogue with them. They have a large family and the children were raised with both faiths, most ended up Catholic. I spent time talking with this couple at an event and they were inspiring. While alone with me, the woman said I can consider a non-Catholic but he must have strong faith in God and practice his beliefs.

It is hard to meet a Catholic that is accepting of how you are as a Catholic, respect and support it. Also, if you don’t find compatibility beyond faith how can you expect to spend life with this person. If it were strictly about being a good Catholic, we could all just pair off in arranged marriages, or everyone should marry the Church. But we are human and our hearts are complex.

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#398

Well, to be fair, some guys are just unlucky. Either they have some kind of physical barrier or just always in the wrong place at the wrong time. I agree that we should always work on ourselves, but there are no guarantees in life and God doesn’t promise us a spouse.

One could just as easily take your standards and nitpick them and make assumptions about you. Would be equally invalid.

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#399

My apologies if I disregarded cases of unlucky bachelors and of course there are no guarantees. I say what I say from solid experience and observation. If I keep encountering characteristics in people and there is a pattern in their experiences and these are majority occurrences, they have to be taken into account.

Everyone can use self reflection about their standards and opinions concerning them. I routinely try to evaluate and update my own standards and take into account what others have observed about them. Many things I did not see or want to hear but was glad to have shared with me and am better off for acknowledging. I’m not sure why these things should necessarily be invalid. And for the record nobody has to take my words as their truth. If they fit, they fit, if they don’t whatever.

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#400

I’m struggling to write anything constructive. Others are doing a better job.

All I say is I’m praying that all find and love their vocations.

:tulip:

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#401

I had Catholic girls I thought were cute tell me I should be a priest… back when I was young and single. So yeah, “displaying” an intense interest in theology all the time can be counterproductive here.

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#402

I think this might be a millennial concept.

Edit: Interpretation of “boundaries”, rather, not a concept.

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#403

So, this thread has been going for a while. Just curious, @GospelOfMatthew, have you tried any of the many suggestions offered?

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#404

Yes I have, right now I’m trying the suggestion of not talking about religious stuff so much, it’s hard because it’s habit, and doing more social things, I’m going to a restaurant with some friends next week. I also talked with a priest about all this and he basically said to be patient and not have any rejections get me down since everyone has some

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#405

This is great to see. I wish you well on your journey. Don’t get down by rejections. We all have them in one form or other. It’s about persistence, keeping your head up, and keeping a positive self-image.

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#406

Have you ever met a professional comedian? Every one of them I’ve known (4 professionals), also reading autobiographies/biographies, the comedians are by and large “dark”. They have used humor since childhood as a false face, as a wall to hide their overwhelming insecurity, sadness, even things more serious.

When you hear that women want a guy who is funny, that is different than the typical class clown. A good sense of humor means that they can laugh and then exhibit happiness and joy. They will make a joke here and there, but, not that the do a tight 4 minute stand up routine or self deprecating humor is their only way to be out in the world.

Women want someone who is genuine, who is real. Class clowning does not convey confidence and joy.

Someone else asked, do you have a good friend, or a female relative (aunt, godmother, sister, cousin) who will be brutally honest with you?

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#407

I greatly empathize with what you’re feeling. I felt very similarly in late high school/early college. Senior year of high school, there was an attractive girl in my Theology class who would frequently tell me things like “You’re future wife is going to be a lucky girl” and “I wish my boyfriend were more like you.” Her boyfriend spent time in jail. And yet, I was absolutely certain there was no way in the world she would ever consider going out with me. It was frustrating and made me question whether being “the nice guy” was a good thing.

But you do need to let go of the anger and the jealousy and the resentment. Nothing good comes from harboring those feelings. And, truth be told, things aren’t necessarily going to turn out all sunshine and roses for those “party animals.” Many of them are just using alcohol and hook ups to mask the emptiness they feel. Some will end up struggling with alcohol addiction. They’ll experience divorce. They are not on the path to happiness and fulfillment.

Regardless of where they end up, though, comparing yourself to them is not helpful. That’s generally true for all things in life. The quickest path to unhappiness is comparing ourselves to others. I eventually got to the point where I realized it didn’t matter whether all the other “party people” were happy or miserable. That did not need to impact my ability to be the person that God wanted me to be and to seek to follow the path he had in mind for me. The only comparisons I needed to make were between who I was and who I could and should be.

I’m glad to see you’re making some attempts to get out there. :+1:

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#408

Hmm, maybe I’d have to think about who

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#409

Just to clarify: There are men who heard that from girlfriends because they had a vocation to the priesthood, too. It isn’t an inappropriate thing to say.

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#410

Meanwhile there could be a girl who you don’t notice, looking at you and wondering why you don’t notice her. Why you’d rather pay attention to a girl who would prefer to be with a convict than with you.

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#411

That is “Geordie” right?

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#412

Indeed. During my senior year of high school, I remember bemoaning the fact that no girls liked me while my brother was attracting all sorts of girls. Within a week, three girls came forward to say they liked me. And I was like, “Um, no thanks.” :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: And, in hindsight, there were a couple other girls I’m pretty sure liked me, too. I wasn’t the most astute kid in those matters.

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#413

Let’s also remember that in “olden times” you did not have the Internet to spend hours texting or skyping with a person to get to know them in order to decide whether you’d actually want to meet up and go for coffee. You had a telephone that was probably shared with several other people in your household and they probably listened in on your convos or at least knew who you were talking to, so it’s not like you could spend hours getting to know someone on there either. You went out on a date in order to get to know a person by talking with them, so you could decide if you wanted to have more dates with them or a relationship with them.

Dating became “monogamous” at about the same time people got worried about AIDS…this is because a lot of people have an expectation that if you have a certain number of dates, or even just one or two dates, you are going to engage in sexual activity with the person you are dating. Back in the day, dates were expected to be non-sexual, and for good Catholics nowadays, dates are also expected to be non-sexual.

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#414

@gospelofmatthew I hope you don’t mind me launching from some of what you’ve said here to offer some advice to seriously minded young men (primarily) but also young women. If it helps then great, but don’t take it as necessarily directed to you.

In the following “You” is the just aspects of the persona I’ve seen here.

You mentioned your success in bowling and, I think, other sports or outdoor activities. You also mentioned that you study and play three instruments, but then slightly apologised for only reading religious texts outside school and only playing religious music.

These are characteristics which could and should make you attractive to many girls! Not all of course, but then that’s not our aim, as you have said yourself.

Just as different men look for different things in a woman, different women look for different things in a man (duh!). Intellectual women will, in general, be attracted to intellectual men because they want someone they can talk to, and who is also interested in their reading and their ideas. An interest in intellectual activities usually goes with an interest in the arts. Classical musicians usually marry other classical musicians, and date them, cheat with them, "party " with them, etc…etc… My (male) singing teacher married a statistician.

Both sexes make the mistake of being allured by someone who is not appropriate for them, but you can’t help that (apart from trying to avoid it yourself!, and we’ve all been there and done that). (Thankyou @PetraG for post #350).

The movie “The Imitation Game” (2015) showed Alan Turing (b 1912), a brilliant mathematician but social misfit, awkwardly romancing an intellectually inclined woman and winning her! The relationship eventually failed due to Turing’s homosexuality rather than his personality. She even said she had guessed his sexuality and would cope with it because they had a “meeting of minds”. I’ve checked the true life story and this is mostly accurate (of course, the woman didn’t have the superstar looks). It helped Turing that he was outstanding in his field, and had strong masculine traits of courage, leadership and resolution (to help Britain win the war).

The very things you’ve found off-putting to women will, in the end and probably not before long, be very desirable assets. Be the very best you can be at things which fascinate you and follow your own natural inclinations. If religious music is your main interest now then burrow down that path. This is how we achieve - by focus. Women roll their eyes at obsessive men but they also like them and marry them. Within reason, as I will discuss.

I had a friend who, as a young man, displayed obsessive interests. For some time he single mindedly pursued an interest in the music of Wagner (culminating in a trip to Bayreuth for the annual Ring cycle, dressed like a hobo in the midst of European high society!). Later he became obsessed with the field of statistics. He didn’t settle down quickly, but in his thirties he became an academic statistician.

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#415

(cont…)

Now - wait for it… He was unattached during his 20’s, but after he became a professor in his 30s his problem was women pursuing him! I won’t go into the gory details, but he never had to try very hard. After a several long-term girlfriends he married at nearly 50 to a much younger woman, and they have been happy and have a child.

All along he did have a sense of fun and an interest in people, but he could be very boring when he ranted about his obsessions (eg. “Wagner” :rofl:). He had normal looks and kept himself in shape, and got a good job early, while pursuing his studies.

In some way he was similar to myself (we met at uni and remain good friends forty years later). As a young man I was obsessive in my pursuits and talked about them with too much intensity, yet enough women were interested initially and only turned away when they discovered that I could do nothing else*. I talked myself out of relationships rather than into them! I also didn’t show any inclination to “get a job” and settle down.

So, my advice is to ease yourself out of any isolation (as others have advised you in recent posts) and learn “small talk” (thanks @Xantippe, post #382), but also be mindful that there are probably many women who are looking for a man like you. You don’t have to persuade them, just avoid losing them in the first 10 minutes (or 60). As others have said, a girl will tolerate awkwardness in a man she likes.

You rightly have observed that you are not looking for a lot of women, but just one. I suggest that “a few” is perhaps more promising while you waiting for “the one”.

OTOH relationships are often a complication. They can get us involved in something we have trouble getting out of and/or take a lot of time out of busy person’s life. You may be better off using this time to be the very best you can be at life and in your field, and also socially (which takes practice, and in which we can always improve). A young person’s nature and our society is telling us to “pair up”, but really there’s no rush. If the “right person” appears then grab the opportunity, but don’t be looking too hard or fearful of a single future. Time is on your side.


* See my post my post #33, which describes my social problems and also how they went back to my family.

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#416

Just throwing this out there. A lot of the times I love attending mass, but I’m not sure I would want to start out a first date with a guy at mass. It’s a little intimidating and “personal” in a sense. Not that I think it’s an overall bad idea. It would be great to have a relationship one day with a guy who wants to go to mass with me. Just not on a first date :slight_smile:

I wouldn’t overthink it. Even just dinner for a first date is nice sometimes to get to know someone. It also gives an easy out if the date isn’t going well vs saying we’re doing mass, rosary, then dinner… then you’re kinda stuck spending a lot of time together… which is also something the girl will be thinking about haha no one wants to feel trapped

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