Frustration in being continuously told "its just a date"

#331

Nervous is normal. The thing is not to get freaked out by the nerves. Even say “I’m a little nervous!”

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#332

A good ice breaker especially for a first date is to do activities both of you have no experience in.

I’ve been out on dates for ice skating lessons, snow boarding lessons. It helps eliminate awkward situations when you’re both trying to learn something.

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#333

Hear that, @GospelOfMatthew? You should go catfish noodling on your next first date.

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#334

What a sad thing, that friendship is seen as something to be avoided. The phrase “just a friend” breaks my heart. I have never, ever, seen a marriage last where the two of them are not friends.

Can you honestly imagine marriage with someone where you cannot relax, go without makeup and mussy hair on Saturday, where you cannot be sick or tired or upset, where you can’t just say stupid things or ugly cry? You want to spend a lifetime with someone, you’d better be good friends.

The Catechism says:

2347 The virtue of chastity blossoms in friendship . It shows the disciple how to follow and imitate him who has chosen us as his friends, who has given himself totally to us and allows us to participate in his divine estate. Chastity is a promise of immortality.

Chastity is expressed notably in friendship with one’s neighbor . Whether it develops between persons of the same or opposite sex, friendship represents a great good for all. It leads to spiritual communion.

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#335

Exactly. Your spouse should be your #1. I know mine is and I am her #1.

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#337

Very very good advice.

Maybe give talks on other things, start a book club to read “Brideshead Revisited” or “Chronicles of Narnia” or “Come Rack! Come Rope!” Start a dinner club, where once a month you all go to a different restaurant and publish a review in the student paper.

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#338

No, the problem is not that “friendship is something to be avoided.” The problem is those who are deemed worthy of a close friendship are summarily excluded as possible candidates for the friendship of marriage. That is where the term “friend zone” came from! People unfortunately feel as if the qualities one would look for in a friend and a spouse are precisely what removes them from the running. Of course that is discouraging!

Those were jokes about how people can feel when they have friends of the opposite sex who complain they “can’t find anyone” when the same people won’t agree to try dating any of their friends who would be interested in it. Why? Sometimes, it is because people are afraid that if they decide not to marry a friend, they will not only strike out in the marriage department but will also lose a friend and disrupt their social circle.

Other times, however, it is because in spite of having all the deeper aspects that lead to a healthy and holy marriage, the Christian friend who would be interested in marriage lacks some quality that is more fleeting, such as having certain looks, a certain body type, a slick way with words, a thrilling risk-taking personality, a willingness to use flattery or the like. Worse yet, I am afraid, sometimes they are excluded from consideration because they are deemed “too religious” by a fellow Catholic when they don’t have anything like an OCD relationship with the faith. (Yes, it is understandable that someone would have reservations about marriage to someone who has embraced their obsessive-compulsive behavior as if it were a sign of sanctity. The OP, however, has had spiritual directors and friends deny that this is the case with him, so I believe him on that.)

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#339

I never talk about how good I am at bowling or all the awards and money I’ve won from it. But when I wheel in 6 bowling balls with tape and slugs and towels and custom jerseys and shoes, it gets pretty serious lol, I also a bowling coach so :stuck_out_tongue:

I did bowl against a Catholic girl in state tournament back for my high school team that I was captain of, we both went at each other with 220s, was pretty cool. My dad was also friends with her father so there was some rivalry as well

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#340

Usually when I public speak, most I have done is in front of 43 people, my voice gets deeper then it usually is (and it’s already fairly deep) and I talk slower and more serious. Normally I laugh way too much and sometimes have trouble getting words out because I’m laughing, and I laugh when I’m nervous. But I’m not nervous public speaking, I enjoy it.

I have met Fr. Michael Gaitley and Benedict Groeschel

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#341

I do have other interests, like I’m very into sports and am very athletic. I’m wondering if I come across as not really human, maybe I’m seen as “the guy who reads his Bible everyday outside the chapel and leads the religious clubs” as opposed to “a guy who does these religious things but also has a life outside that which is also interesting and worth learning about”

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#342

Bingo. If people see you at Mass, they already know you’re a practicing Catholic. It’s okay to put other aspects of your personality on display from time to time.

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#343

I think I’m a bit obsessive and sometimes that shows :face_with_hand_over_mouth:. I’ve had girls ask me what music I listen to… bit awkward to say the only music I listen to are church hymns, praise and worship, mass settings, and concert band songs lol. Or I’ve said that I play 3 different instruments and they ask what songs I play and I say church songs I transposed lol. I’m guessing none of this makes me look like interesting

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#344

It’s not that it makes you look uninteresting. It makes you look one-dimensional. Why don’t you expand your tastes a bit? Explore some non-religious music for example.

Obviously not saying you need to stop listening to Christian music. Just don’t ONLY listen to Christian music.

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#345

Hey Matt, out of curiosity, do you feel like I’ve been presumptuous or abrasive in the suggestions I’ve made in this thread? Have I offended you? Do you think I’ve been dispensing specialized medical advice?

Just, uh, wondering. :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

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#346

No, I believe you have been quite helpful. No you haven’t been dispensing any medical advice.

Big Brother is watching :sunglasses:

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#347

Thanks buddy. Just checking.

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#348

That’s how I understood those memes, and thought they were very good.

I often hear anecdotal evidence of men complaining that they’ve been “friend zoned” by women who claim to be looking for a man just like them, and I hear women admitting that other women do it.

I suspect that the problem is somehow worse today than ever as women are being constantly bombarded with messages about how fantastic they are, that they can be anything they want, and not to settle for second-best, but that men on other hand men are a bit dopey. The value of men’s work is being constantly underrated and taken for granted. Today, to be “a good provider” is just the start of a man’s obligations to a wife and family, and after that he’s got to be funny, sexy, available, empathetic, etc. In the past being a good provider was about half of it, followed by fidelity and stability.

I’ve heard that 80% of the women on dating sites are only interested in 20% of the men. That’s not surprising in their initial aspirations when they first arrive (we all are deluded!), but if it stays that way and they expect to find someone then there’s a serious problem.

Most divorces in the west are initiated by women who have simply lost interest in a hubby who has done nothing wrong, apart from not keeping her tingling for year after year.

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#349

Thanks for free the public speaking tips! I do a bit of speaking in my job, and also as a lector at Church.

I was not aware of the importance of sounding “natural”. On the contrary, I was once advised that a business presentation should be approached as a performance of Hamlet, and I tend to project and talk over my audience.

I think the “Hamlet” advice applies to preparation and timing, but for the voice I like your advice to make it sound the same as if you were at a picnic! :slight_smile: Still, sounding “natural” probably comes easier with good preparation.

But then, in lector training at church we were told to “proclaim” the Word, not just read it, with the expectation that there be some modification of the voice. At a second training a few years later we were told the opposite! (The first was a priest, and the second was lay).

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#350

Yes, it is always other guys and other women who are looking for all the wrong things. Not us, mind you, but definitely people we know, LOL. (Humans, we are a hoot, aren’t we?)

C.S. Lewis talked about this in The Screwtape Letters; this is from Letter 20:
"… meantime I would like to give you some hint about the type of woman—I mean the physical type—which he should be encouraged to fall in love with if “falling in love” is the best we can manage.

In a rough and ready way, of course, this question is decided for us by spirits far deeper down in the Lowerarchy than you and I. It is the business of these great masters to produce in every age a general misdirection of what may be called sexual "taste". This they do by working through the small circle of popular artists, dressmakers, actresses and advertisers who determine the fashionable type. The aim is to guide each sex away from those members of the other with whom spiritually helpful, happy, and fertile marriages are most likely. Thus we have now for many centuries triumphed over nature to the extent of making certain secondary characteristics of the male (such as the beard) disagreeable to nearly all the females—and there is more in that than you might suppose. As regards the male taste we have varied a good deal

To the point of this thread, no force with grace behind it would be directing people to wish to be valued for something other than either their true selves (warts and all) or else for their real virtues. Instead, people–especially women!–are encouraged to base their self-esteem on whether or not they pose a near occasion of sin to the opposite sex, all while expecting a good man won’t see them as a sexual partner at all. What else can this be, but a strategy designed to make truly Christian marriages as rare as possible, even between two life-long Christians?

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#351

This, exactly.

The term “red pill” is used very frequently today by many women who have come to realize the many problems associated with feminism.

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