Frustration in being continuously told "its just a date"


#372

There is healthy, normal, beneficial attachment and there is unhealthy attachment AKA co-dependence. These are not the same thing.

Would you be sad or cry if your dog died? if your best friend were drafted to the military and sent away for years? if your pastor were re-assigned to a place where you would not see him again? You have normal, healthy attachments.

Now, would you go into a catatonic state and never recover if your dog died? Then that is likely an unhealthy attachment.


#373

Hmm, then why are having ‘boundaries’ becoming a very popular term? Isn’t that like protecting yourself from attachment?


#374

No

It’s more like protecting yourself from people who will take advantage of you.

If someone, friend or stranger, approaches me wanting my bank details and social security number than I will establish a boundary and tell them that I won’t give it to them.


#375

I asked a number of women to marry me, over the years. They all said no.

I’m wondering now, if maybe I shouldn’t have asked them on the first date?


#376

Yes

Also try telling them your name. :thinking:


#377

So many rules, for dating!
Next you’ll tell me I shouldn’t talk about my mother the whole time.


#378

I am the last person you should ask for dating advice.

I am an abject failure when it comes to romance. If romance were a school, I’d be in special ed.

:hugs:


#379

Very interesting, this is not what I thought boundaries and attachments were. I think I need to study up on how dating works emotionally since I don’t have a clue now


#380

You’re probably not in a position to do much about this sort of thing.

It’s been a while since I’ve been in the dating game, but when I was there were several books making the rounds like “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” and then soon after “I Gave Dating a Chance.” Talk about confusing. :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

Christians recognize that the “hook up” culture is something to be avoided, but sometimes it’s not so easy to figure out what to do instead. And, really, it’s okay for people to have different ideas in this regard. You just have to work with what you have in front of you.

I would focus on the socialization. Go to events and activities. Talk to people. Get to know people. Even plan some group activities of your own and invite certain people.


#381

Boundary: I work for the parish, I care deeply for every one of the members. I do NOT publish my personal cell phone number to the parish. For me, that is a boundary. I need to have a line between my work job and my personal life.

I do give my personal cell number to close friends.

Unless it is my adult child calling, I do not answer my phone after 8 PM. Again, that is my healthy boundary.

Other staff members do publish their personal mobile numbers, they are fine with people calling them all hours of the day and any day. They do not need the boundary that I need.


#382

Small talk is something that you get better and better at as you get more and more social experience as an adult. (I’m a 40-something woman and WAY better at small talk than I was 20 years ago.)


#383

Cite?

Given the prevalence of infidelity, substance abuse, serious mental illness, and such things as porn and gambling addictions, it’s not even mathematically possible that “Most divorces in the west are initiated by women who have simply lost interest in a hubby who has done nothing wrong, apart from not keeping her tingling for year after year.”


#385

I know you describe yourself as an extrovert, but your actions seem less so, refusing invitations to go to dinner or just hangout.

Do you have any close male friends who have had dating success? Could you ask them for advice maybe? I know you said you were athletic and enjoyed sports, are there any co-ed sports clubs you could join? We had ultimate Frisbee at my school, which was pretty fun.

To the OP, do you have any brutally honest friends, male or female? You’ve said you have great success getting a first date but not a second. Could you try a double date with a close friend who can tell you how you did? Seek advice in that way perhaps?


#386

My closest friends don’t have any luck with girls. I’m extroverted in that I feel lonely and bored by myself and I get energy from being with others. But I don’t go to parties and my college despite being Catholic is like a war zone on the weekends with all the drunks and all the immodestly dresses people, men and women, who are looking for quick hookups. I get pretty pissed off when I, a nice Catholic guy don’t have any girls that say more than “hey nice talk as usual!” when the drunks and those looking for fast hookups have all the friends in the world. Even the Catholic girls I see them wearing the suggestive clothing and partying it up at 3 in the morning stumbling around drunk, yelling very sexual and inappropriate comments.

Aside from being able to go to daily mass and all these religious activities I run, I hate college. Worst thing I’ve ever done in my life and I can’t wait to graduate. Then again when I graduate I’ll have some job making nice money with no reason for the money because I never met anyone. Meanwhile the drunks and jerks have an adequate job and are happily married. You can see why I’m less than pleased, and it causes me to confess jealously and anger a lot


#387

Oh dear. The fact that you are so unhappy at school may be coming through slightly, and that may be part of your problem. While it can be very frustrating to be at a Catholic school and see your classmates not behaving in an appropriate manner, you need to get past that. It’s also very possible to still have fun.

I would suggest trying non-religious activities with people you know from your various religious activities. Maybe have a movie night? We used to go to an auditorium in the evening, all get our dinners to go and watch movies on the projector. You can also play board games in empty classrooms in the evenings. Once you have a group of friends you regularly do things with you may have a sunnier outlook which could improve your chances with girls.


#388

I use to play board games with my friends a lot last year and now I room with a few of them but we haven’t really done any games this year because I just tell them I’m too busy even though I’m not busy. Idk why. I think I’m just very frustrated with college and everything that it kills my motivation to be social. I’d rather just read a religious book in the chapel until 1am or watch college football by myself… while at the same time beating myself up inside for not meeting any girls. I always try to tell myself that there must be at least one Catholic girl on campus who is shy and hangs by herself a lot but where is she? Chilling and Netflix with her roommate? There was one girl I saw at mass who knelt and had a vail on which made me go “who is this girl?”and I’ve seen around late at night studying, she doesn’t seem to be overly social.

I guess I’m going God has heard my daily prayers, )multiple times a day of asking Him to help me meet my future wife) and assuming he will just drop her in front of me lol. But that’s not how it works… even if all the jerky party animal guys seem to have all the girls drop right in front of them :confused:


#389

Jumping in here to reply to this:

I think you could actually get something from the “jerky party animal guys”. I’m not saying turn into them, but watch what works. Typically, they’re very social. They’re fun. They don’t take themselves too seriously. They’re outgoing.

Now, that’s not having “all the girls drop right in front of them”.

Does your college have a counselor? I think you could benefit speaking to them about how to find some enjoyment in your time there.

Sometimes, you just have to make yourself socialise a little. And may I say, it sounds as though you’re putting far too much pressure on yourself to meet someone. For now I think you should concentrate on your friends, build your friendships with them back up, socialise regularly. And then move forward.

This made me smile, because it reminds me of the same thoughts I used to have at college. I found it quite hard to meet people initially with the same interests as me, who were also introverted like me. When I did, I used to ask them things like “Did you go out this event last week?” and they’d say “No, I prefer to stay in my room”. And ironically I realised that the reason I found it difficult to meet others with similar interests is because we all had the similar interest of staying in our rooms away from people.

Can I ask if you have some kind of student’s union? Or an organisation that puts on events for students - apologies, I’m not in the US so I don’t know how colleges work exactly. But my own student’s union had a policy of running non-alcoholic events as well. If you have an organisation like that, it may be well worth dropping them an email to ask if they have any non-alcoholic events.


#390

Lou2U is right. You should see if you have a center for Student Activities. We had a big calendar on the wall on our Student Union that had non-alcoholic events listed.

You need to stop isolating yourself, it’s not good. At least watch the college football with your friends. Football is already unbearable, at least be social about it.


#391

There is a student union with some events on the weekend but usually they are things I wouldn’t be that interested in like a dance or bingo. But maybe I should be more fun, I don’t sound very fun do I… I’m actually quite the class clown :clown_face:, nobody in my classes would guess I have few friends and don’t enjoy my time at college.

Perhaps I come across rude to girls at these religious clubs because I don’t go out of my way to talk to them, I usually just leave afterwards


#392

Here is the problem: someone dates Catholic after Catholic after Catholic, and finds that not only do they not find people who are a help to their faith but sometimes a hindrance (because they don’t want to be told that practicing “a lot of the time” isn’t good enough and that yes, normal people still recite the rosary and concern themselves with modesty, etc, or else this other person is the one who is “too extreme about it”, take your pick).

Enter the first non-Catholic this Catholics-only Catholic decides to date. Let us say this person accepts whatever the Catholic says about how they want to be Catholic. If the first experience with a non-Catholic is very “positive”–meaning, the Catholic’s idea of what “Catholic” means is accepted at face value–after a long string of just-wrong Catholic tries, well…and throw in “fall in love,” too? Well, love does conquer all, right?

I think that is how it often happens to someone who always assumed they’d marry a Catholic marries a non-Catholic. I certainly do know a lot of women who are very serious about their faith who married non-Catholics.
I actually know one who was asked if he’d consider serving on parish counsel at his church, because he attended Mass so faithfully with his wife and kids. No one ever noticed that he never received Holy Communion, only that he always showed up and pitched in, no matter what.


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