Future MIL

I am due to marry my boyfriend of (nearly) 5 years - we started dating when we were 16 in Sixth Form.

His mother pretty much hated me from the moment Chris went home and told her he ‘had a girlfriend’. She accuses me of being a liar, wh*re, manipulator and ‘up myself’. She has never once reffered to me by name when I used to go round she basically just ignored me and when I wasnt their she called me amongst other things ‘that girl’ and ‘princess’. I havent spoken to either of his parents for three years after a big bust up where his father grabbed the phone of chris and told me that i had ruined their family.

I have always been polite when I have went round and I am still polite if we pass each other or when I call the house on the few occasions chris has gone home. I rang up one christmas morning and asked to speak to chris she said nothing she just put the phone on the table and told chris that ‘someeone’ was on the phone.

I understand that he is her only child etc etc but I find her attitude disgusting, Chris now sees them maybe once a quarter which I think is really sad for a 21 yr old lad. He rarely sees them because their is always a row whenever he goes back - he has now got his own house having just finished uni.

I dont really know what I have done to upset her but I obviously have but I am going to marry her son and this will happen with or without her but I would prefer if we could reach some sort of compromise. Chris really just wants to stick up for me and always has despite her behaviour a couple of years ago she slapped him and told him ‘life would have been better if it had just been me and your dad’.

His dad knows that we will be getting married his mum does not know yet his dad doesnt want to tell her or get chris to tell her which seems silly. We are going to be announcing the engagement at my 21st birthday party and she will obv find out then.

I would really like to talk to her but I dont know how to go about this because as you can tell their is a lot of animosity.

Any advice??

J

Wow…

If I was you, I would just let her find out about the engagement when it is announced. I dunno how you have the guts to speak to this woman. If I were in your shoes, I don’t think I could even bring myself to look at her in the face. The way she treats you is disgusting and you do not deserve to be treated this way.

She’s acting like this because she doesn’t want to “lose” her only son. She has an unhealthy attatchment with her son and I don’t think there is much you can do persoanlly for her except pray for her. Maybe after you two get married she’ll chill out a bit…but I doubt it :shrug:

I have some experience of this. I would say that there is a likelihood that you will expend a tremendous amount of energy trying to make this situation right and ultimately you will end up exhausted and with the knowledge that you never had the power to affect your in-laws feelings in the first place.

Give it space, give it time, mix well with prayer. Try not to give these people any power in your life, but maintain your excellent policy of the utmost manners and politness whenever you encounter them.

Keep your side of the street well swept and your door always open, but be aware that making them walk through it will not make you or them happy.

Good luck and God bless! :slight_smile:

This is so sad. And if you live anywhere nearby, it could be an ongoing problem. My suggestion is that your fiance have a little talk with his parents. He needs to tell them that he loves you, that he WILL marry you and you two will plan a life together. He should also tell them that he loves them and would very much like them to be part of his family. But he will not tolerate disrespectful treatment of you in word, inference, etc. If they don’t clean up their act, the best thing to do is to move as far away from this charming couple as you can and begin to build your own family. It is sad, and so very unproductive, when prospective in-laws act this way. I was blessed to have the most wonderful in-laws in the world and I miss my MIL dearly. I have tried to be that kind of MIL myself.

Your boyfriend has to put his foot down, and NOW. And, his father too. If his father has not had the backbone to stop the mother’s behavior, then you can clearly see how she was allowed to become as she is over the last 21 years.

Your boyfriend absolutely has to tell her how it will be-- and then act on it. He must tell her there will not be one more rude word, one more outburst, one more rude action, or she will forfeit interaction with you, coming to the wedding, and she will not have any access to future grandchildren. Period.

Then he has to do it, even if it means cutting all contact.

Otherwise, your life will be a living hell. If he can’t get his mother under control before you marry, I would seriously consider not marrying into this family. This will be a life-sentence for you. Every family gathering there will be turmoil, ugly remarks made in front of your children, etc. Or he will have to completely sever all ties to his mother.

Why is his father allowing this nonsense?

Pray for his mother, and be the finest example of a loving Christian daughter on planet earth. This can turn around, but only with prayer and love (and tons of both).

Your H-to be should have a rational (not emotional childish) mature sit down discussion with his father first. Then give dad some time to talk with mom. After that, H -to be should sit down lovingly with mom and assure her that he still loves her too.

As he continues to behave as a mature loving adult, and you are tne model of Christian charity and modesty - this can grow to be a loving family.

But, if it stays crazy as you describe, marrying into the family will be asking for a loooonnnnnggggg hard marriage.

Agree with others here. Don’t focus on what you may or may not have done to upset her. You can not rationalize such horrendous behavior, nor is it you duty or obligation to do so.

Continue to be civil, polite, courteous, and respectful. However, you and fiance need to agree to sit down with her and politely tell her like it is, true love, upcoming engagement, expected date to marry, the whole story. Tell her now. Give her plenty of time to react ahead of time so scenes will not be made at partys and other events which will ruin both of your special days.

If she choses to continue to treat you badly, what else can you do? It’s her choice and you are under no obligation to confront and constantly worry about her aggregious reactions.

Caution - make sure fiance is in agreement on this issue before you get married. Marriage is wonderful and beautiful, but its a team journey and you must be on the same footing from the start. Good luck and God Bless.

I’m the mother of an only child, and I am definitely not hog-wild crazy about the guy who seems to be Mr. Right for her, and who will likely be my SIL. But I would NEVER (EVER, EVER) behave like this woman. If my child has chosen someone who is not MY first choice, why would I want to put walls up that will push us apart?

Invite them to the wedding that you will pay for yourselvse. Then move 1000 miles away from your husband’s family and don’t look back.

This problem goes much deeper than how to handle your future mother-in-laws behavior and how to approach her about your wedding.

You must take much time and prayerfully consider how your future family life will be affected. These people will be your future children’s grandparents. Will you be spending Christmas with them? Birthdays? Since your finace is an only child will he be expected to help care for them when he is older? Is he the executor of their wills? Do you want these people to be involved in your future children’s lives? How are you and your husband going to handle this…as a couple or will he talk to them on his own?

Please talk about all of these issues with your future husband and talk to a priest about them as well. My husband had/has a stormy relationship with his mother but he was always torn because of the commandment “Honor thy father and mother” and where his obligation to her was as a Catholic and a Christian.

You cannot forsee all future problems but it will do your marriage a lot of good if you talk about these issues in advance. This will affect your life a great deal and affect your life badly if you let it. I will pray for you.

Keep your side of the street well swept and your door always open, but be aware that making them walk through it will not make you or them happy.

Super advice. I’ll add that it sounds like this future MIL is like one of my in-laws who likes to leave lots of bait around for me to rise to. Be on the lookout for this and do your level best not to go for it.

Scott

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