Gay man marrying a woman.. is it wrong?


#1

I have feelings about some guys, and have that instinct that they are homosexual, but they don't come out. It is especially common with guys of my ethnicity, and it is highly looked down upon. However, some of them have come out, but there are others I feel that are homosexual and they try finding a girl to marry. I think this is a selfish act, unless they are willing to tell the girl the truth. But, I doubt that any girl would want to marry a gay guy.

What do you all think of this? I'm interested to know.


#2

[quote="Cupcake143, post:1, topic:343492"]
I have feelings about some guys, and have that instinct that they are homosexual, but they don't come out. It is especially common with guys of my ethnicity, and it is highly looked down upon. However, some of them have come out, but there are others I feel that are homosexual and they try finding a girl to marry. I think this is a selfish act, unless they are willing to tell the girl the truth. But, I doubt that any girl would want to marry a gay guy.

What do you all think of this? I'm interested to know.

[/quote]

You think some guys might be gay. And you don't feel that they should look for a girlfriend/wife because of what you think?

What do I think about it? I think you should worry more about yourself rather than trying to guess the sexual preferences of other people.


#3

I believe that a man, or woman, who fights their same sex attractions and follows the will of God are to be commended. We should give prayers of thanksgiving and be inspired by their strength.


#4

[quote="KrazyKat, post:3, topic:343492"]
I believe that a man, or woman, who fights their same sex attractions and follows the will of God are to be commended. We should give prayers of thanksgiving and be inspired by their strength.

[/quote]

Absolutely. :thumbsup:

It is certainly possible for a gay man (or woman) to marry a member of the opposite gender and have a lovig, fruitful marriage.

But you are right that they should not keep that information from a prospective spouse. It's something they would have to talk through and make sure they are on the same page.


#5

[quote="KrazyKat, post:3, topic:343492"]
I believe that a man, or woman, who fights their same sex attractions and follows the will of God are to be commended. We should give prayers of thanksgiving and be inspired by their strength.

[/quote]

I agree. But, I was wondering about if they were homosexual but never opened up or told the girl, and made it seem as if he is heterosexual.


#6

I agree. Don’t worry about what others might or might not be.Worry about yourself and your own struggles. If you wonder about a man you are dating, than talk to him. But don’t go around speculating about other people and their relationships.


#7

Hmmm, well, I suppose that if he is a man and she is a woman, they are heterosexual by nature!


#8

So it's come to this, the confusion in society. A question about whether it's wrong for a young man to look for a young lady to marry.

May they look to God to help them and strengthen them through the years, regardless of the crosses that will come. May God help all of us in this crazy society. We can't think straight any more.


#9

[quote="Cupcake143, post:5, topic:343492"]
I agree. But, I was wondering about if they were homosexual but never opened up or told the girl, and made it seem as if he is heterosexual.

[/quote]

If we see homosexual tendencies in men we meet we need to look closer at our own deep desires. What we fear the most is usually a perversion within ourselves that we refuse to face. If a man is not having sex with another man he is not a homosexual. If he finds men sexually attractive, but does not follow through, he is not a homosexual. Does he have to share his fantasy with you, absolutely not. if you have desires you do not act upon that is between you and God.


#10

First of all, don’t confuse impulses with orientation. Many people has fleeting thoughts or feelings that are disordered but that doesn’t mean they throw out the other 99%. Other people may briefly have thoughts or even act on them due to a trauma or temporary situation. There are many examples of women who turn to other women after being abused or men who turn to other men in prison. This doesn’t mean they are “gay” or permanently off-limits in terms of relationships with the opposite sex or marriage.

If a man “comes out” as homosexual but still actively seeks out a woman to marry, that might be a serious issue. One that would certainly need a deep amount of discernment before any engagement takes place. But there are lots of people who have turned their back on even an active homosexual lifestyle and successfully went on to marry and have children. Nothing is impossible with God.


#11

[quote="Corki, post:10, topic:343492"]
First of all, don't confuse impulses with orientation. Many people has fleeting thoughts or feelings that are disordered but that doesn't mean they throw out the other 99%. Other people may briefly have thoughts or even act on them due to a trauma or temporary situation. There are many examples of women who turn to other women after being abused or men who turn to other men in prison. This doesn't mean they are "gay" or permanently off-limits in terms of relationships with the opposite sex or marriage.

If a man "comes out" as homosexual but still actively seeks out a woman to marry, that might be a serious issue. One that would certainly need a deep amount of discernment before any engagement takes place. But there are lots of people who have turned their back on even an active homosexual lifestyle and successfully went on to marry and have children. Nothing is impossible with God.

[/quote]

Amen to: "Nothing is impossible with God." :thumbsup:


#12

Others on the thread have already answered the question sufficiently, but I want to clarify something.

There is no such thing as a "gay" man, that is, a man who, by his nature, was created to engage in sex with another man. Such a person does not exist.

There IS such a thing as a man (or woman) who suffers from disordered attractions to persons of the same sex. This is a challenge, a heavy cross to carry, but it DOES NOT make the person some kind of different human, or a biological mutation. They are the same biologically as any other man or woman.

Thus, to ask if it is sinful for a gay man to marry a woman is ludicrous. A "gay" man is nothing more than a man who suffers from attraction to other men, and that does not mean, by any stretch of the imagination, that he is somehow invalidated from marrying a woman.


#13

I got a different impression of the OP’s question. I thought he was asking if it would be wrong for a person who cannot wholly and completely give himself to his spouse to get married anyway.

In other words, is it wrong/immoral/sinful to marry someone whom you do not now nor will ever love?


#14

Absolutely! It’s like gayness is a sort of quasi-religion. People need to get rid of this idea that someone’s sexual preferences will define a person’s personality or identity or future life partner.

Cupcake143, if a man has homosexual attractions but wants to get married, he should be open to his future wife so that she understands the heavy cross that he has to bear with. And of course put God before anything else. So drop these hollywood habits of wanting people to ‘come out’ and ‘being true to who you really are’. A homosexual man is also a child of God and should live as He pleases.


#15

The reason, I suggest, that this is a problem for you is because you have not completely grasped the more profound aspects of Catholic teaching regarding what a human being is. Human nature, in its pristine state is without sin and without sinful tendencies.

Jesus and Mary would be examples of this. All others, all of us, do have a nature that is God created and without sin, but because of original sin we have inherited concupiscence, which is a superimposed faux “nature” that has distorted our real humanity. That distortion of our human nature has made us all prone to sin. We have a tendency towards acting against our real nature, our real good.

To say someone is a “homosexual” is equating them to some aspect of their concupiscence. It would be no different than labeling someone a “thief” because they have a tendency to covet the goods of others, a rapist because they lust after another human or a murderer because they want to be rid of someone from their life.

It must be clear that the sinful state of concupiscence is an “after market” add-on. God did not create that state. Each of us, fundamentally are God created beings who, due to the choices of past humans and our own have changed or distorted the original “factory model” created by God.

Admittedly, the saints all claim to “be sinners.” That is recognition of their own responsibility for the distortion of their God created humanity - the mess of it - that they have made. It does not mean that the human nature that lies within them is basically sinful. That is a Calvinist idea. The Catholic understanding is that human beings were created good, but made choices that distorted that goodness.

To label anyone by their tendencies or proclivities is simply wrong. Calling someone a thief, a rapist, a pedophile, a liar, a murderer as a means of defining what they are is precisely what Jesus told us not to do. It is making a final judgement about them implying that their state of being is fixed and unalterable. They have become their sin and they are condemned by it. It is acting in the role of judge and executioner because it is a claim to know something about them that only God is in a position to know: that they are beyond redemption.

For all of us, no matter what tendencies or proclivities concupiscence draws us towards, we need to realize those are distortions of our basically good human nature that can be overcome by God’s grace.

When we buy into the tendency of human society to condemn its members by labeling them as thieves, rapists, murderers, pedophiles, we are buying into the impotence of human society to do anything about concupiscence. That is because all members of human society - each of us - is helpless against those tendencies. However, God is not helpless.

There is only one human society - the communion of saints (aka the Body of Chrisf) that is not helpless against those tendencies. This one human society is a constant reminder that we are not our concupiscence. We are not to be identified with our distortions but can overcome them and be restored to our true nature.

To directly answer your question:

No the man ought not confess his tendencies (if your assessment is even true) to his future wife because she is likely as powerless as he to do anything about them. The only one who needs to know is God through his priests. As long as the man is taking every means to remain in a state of grace and avoiding giving into concupiscence that is sufficient.

The one thing about marriage is that the man and woman grow deeper in faith and trust as they journey through life. Admissions of this nature may come about as the couple grow in love and remain faithful to each other. The profound nature of marriage is that it is self-revealing and a means towards overcoming all concupiscence towards sanctity, better when both parties view it that way. No marriage starts out with perfect accord between two saints. Both have baggage, but it is their commitment to seeing each other through that makes it a sacrament - a means to God.

Sinful tendencies are not personal sins. We all have them and we all must recognize and overcome them. It takes a great deal of maturity to come to a realization that “I am not like that” is false, but even more maturity to see the need and means (grace) to truly overcome our distorted and false selves.

A great deal of the problem with marriage in the modern world is the false notion that “I am perfect the way I am.” A notion that refuses to take responsibility for changing “in me” what needs to be changed. Far easier to pin the blame elsewhere (genetics, society, him/her, etc.) than to take on the task of becoming “a true saint” and not merely a caracature of one.

If the “gay” man is aware of all this, then when the time comes, when he and his future wife have jointly reached an appropriate level of trust, maturity and love, a deeper self-revealing will occur, but that is up to them, not you.

A bigger concern would be whether either of them are ill-prepared to be married because of a lack of maturity or awareness of what the commitment of marriage really means.


#16

[quote="on_the_hill, post:13, topic:343492"]
I got a different impression of the OP's question. I thought he was asking if it would be wrong for a person who cannot wholly and completely give himself to his spouse to get married anyway.

In other words, is it wrong/immoral/sinful to marry someone whom you do not now nor will ever love?

[/quote]

Yes, I did understand the question. A young man dating young ladies is discerning whether or not he is called to marriage with a particular young lady. How is he to know he won't fall in love? Or for us to decide for him that he can't fall in love with a young lady? Let him decide, and find his way. As Catholics we understand love as being an action, a decision of the will. It's not entirely feelings, although feelings draw us to someone in the beginning. When a parent gets up in the middle of the night with a sick child, it's a decision of the will. To get up early and go to work every day, to feed and clothe your family is a decision of the will. How can any one of us know we have what it takes to keep going when the going gets tough? Only by doing, and praying for God to help us.

The original question is based on a faulty assumption. Is it a sin for a gay man to marry a woman? I might prefer the question to be *is it a pursuit of virtue for a gay man to marry a woman. * Then you are coming from a Catholic viewpoint, and not a secular society view point that has abandoned God. Gosh, we don't even know if the man is gay, however, I do like questions that spark conversations, and Catholic answers. We might get a 10 min homily once a week, but the surrounding culture is preaching to us all the time.


#17

[quote="altms, post:14, topic:343492"]
Absolutely! It's like gayness is a sort of quasi-religion. People need to get rid of this idea that someone's sexual preferences will define a person's personality or identity or future life partner.

Cupcake143, if a man has homosexual attractions but wants to get married, he should be open to his future wife so that she understands the heavy cross that he has to bear with. And of course put God before anything else. So drop these hollywood habits of wanting people to 'come out' and 'being true to who you really are'. A homosexual man is also a child of God and should live as He pleases.

[/quote]

I don't at all support those to 'come out' and live a homosexual lifestyle! I shouldn't have even asked the question, because you all are so quick to jump to the conclusion that I am either judging them, worrying about others, or that I support gay marriage! I was curious if 'a man who is attracted to other men', seek a woman to marry and not let her know what his true feelings are. Sorry, I know it's not always easy to understand what I mean through writing, but I did not in any way mean that a man should marry another man. But, I do think if they have feelings for other men, that they should live a single, chaste life. I don't think they should marry a woman without her knowing what his true attractions are. I don't think that's right for the girl, and could cause problems down the line -in my opinion.


#18

I understand your intentions, but the answer is the same. Men with homosexual temptations are fully capable of marrying a woman without committing some kind of sin, and no, the woman has no right to know the man’s inner temptations, no more than you have the right to know mine.

Further, as others have said before, it’s not really any of your business to be worrying about this. There’s nothing wrong with asking the question, but, as you say, the reason you are asking is because of particular young men you know; that is, honestly, none of your business.

This might sound harsh, but it’s true.


#19

[quote="dshix, post:18, topic:343492"]
I understand your intentions, but the answer is the same. Men with homosexual temptations are fully capable of marrying a woman without committing some kind of sin, and no, the woman has no right to know the man's inner temptations, no more than you have the right to know mine.

Further, as others have said before, it's not really any of your business to be worrying about this. There's nothing wrong with asking the question, but, as you say, the reason you are asking is because of particular young men you know; that is, honestly, none of your business.

This might sound harsh, but it's true.

[/quote]

Um, sorry but I don't even understand what you are saying is not my business? What's not my business? I am not prying in anything, I was curious.. and this is a forum correct? I thought I was allowed to ask a question. If you don't like the question, don't reply back that's all.


#20

[quote="HNA444, post:19, topic:343492"]
I don't think that it is true that a man who is attracted to other men wouldn't be committing some kind of sin. by marrying a woman. Do you have support for this> QUOTE]

[/quote]


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