Gay Uncle's "marriage"


#1

I realize the Gay issue was already addressed in this folder, but I do need some input please.

My father was an abusive alcoholic, which I won’t get into in this thread, but it does have significance in regards to this post.

My Uncle has been more of a father to me than my biological father was, and has helped me through some extremely difficult and stressful situations. If it wasn’t for him, my children and I would have ended up on the streets 6 years ago.

He has been gay all his life (he is 78) and had a partner for 30 years who passed away 3 years ago. My uncle went into a depression but with counselling and medication began to feel better a year ago. Last year he met someone who is almost 30 years younger and is extremely “out” for want of a more appropriate word. He is nothing like my uncle’s former partner who was very quiet and reserved.

I had a phone call from my uncle last week and he dropped this bombshell on me. He told me that he and his partner were engaged to be married and I am invited to the wedding and reception. He obviously is not Catholic, but the rest of my family are and we don’t know what to do. My nephew refuses to go and is totally against it…which I am as well but no one is as close to my uncle as I am. I don’t agree with his lifestyle as I am a very conservative Catholic, but I also was never able to cut my uncle out of my life. I do pray for him constantly though.

How can my husband and I get out of going to this “wedding” without hurting his feelings? We do live out of state so I was hoping for a major snowstorm (the event is in January) but of course I cannot count on that!

Any input or ideas will be greatly appreciated.

God Bless

Sandy


#2

Attending the ceremony indicates your approval of it. I recommend that you decline the invitation with a card that expresses your feelings on the subject.


#3

[quote=Scott_Lafrance]Attending the ceremony indicates your approval of it. I recommend that you decline the invitation with a card that expresses your feelings on the subject.
[/quote]

So in other words, do not acknowledge the “wedding” and also let him know that I am totally against his relationship with this man?

I do think if I do this, then he will cut all ties with me. I suppose that is a chance I would have to take if I am to be true to my faith and Cathoic beliefs. I do love him though and this is not an easy decision.

Thanks for your reply.


#4

Icky feeling. If this was a heterosexual relationship. I would still have concerns with such an short time span and such a large age gap. Everyone is entitled to companionship, in this case it should be strictly friendship though. Focus on his new friendship, not on the sexual part. Use cold weather, school, work as an excuse. Even say you feel uncomfortable so quickly after the passing of his friend of 30 years.


#5

I do think if I do this, then he will cut all ties with me.

He’d choose his lover over you? Are you sure?


#6

[quote=Scott_Lafrance]Attending the ceremony indicates your approval of it…
[/quote]

Oops. Somebody should have told that to the Roman Catholic Cardinal Archbishop of Westminster, Cormac Murphy O’Connor, who not only attended but read scriptural lessons lesson as part of the enthronement service for Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams.


#7

If this were me, inspite of the fact that I don’t agree with gay ‘marriage’, I would go. I would go attend alone, without my husband, out of gratitude for my uncle who was so good to me, but has this one character flaw. You uncle obviously doesn’t see gay sex as a sin and has many other good traits.

I’m just not a black and white person. And, I think your father who hurt and abused you as a kid was a worse sinner. Just my opinion, which is probably not as strict as some others here on CAF.


#8

Lovesfall, you should talk to your uncle and remain firm to the gospel! Do not attent this service! Don’t disown him or you are only alienating him and driving him farther away from the church and don’t rant. Pray much for him. Don’t judge him.

Padre Pio “Don’t worry, work and pray.”


#9

This is kinda tricky. It’s one of those situations where the two main commandments are pulling at opposite ends (love your neighbour vs. love God) and you have to decide how best to compromise. You should certainly make it clear that you don’t support it, but how hurt would your Uncle be, and how bad would you feel if you didn’t go? If you can avoid it and not irreparably damage your relationship, than do so.

If you can’t, then I would say go, and if you are really bold, when they ask “if anyone here objects, speak up” or “stand up” like they do during normal marriage ceremonies, than do that! That would show that you care enough about your Uncle to go to his ‘wedding’, but you are exercising your Christian duty to uphold the Law of God (with a spirit of charity of course), and in addition are concerned for the spiritual welfare of a beloved relative.


#10

[quote=Neithan]This is kinda tricky. It’s one of those situations where the two main commandments are pulling at opposite ends (love your neighbour vs. love God) and you have to decide how best to compromise. You should certainly make it clear that you don’t support it, but how hurt would your Uncle be, and how bad would you feel if you didn’t go? If you can avoid it and not irreparably damage your relationship, than do so.

If you can’t, then I would say go, and if you are really bold, when they ask “if anyone here objects, speak up” or “stand up” like they do during normal marriage ceremonies, than do that! That would show that you care enough about your Uncle to go to his ‘wedding’, but you are exercising your Christian duty to uphold the Law of God (with a spirit of charity of course), and in addition are concerned for the spiritual welfare of a beloved relative.
[/quote]

THAT certainly wouldn’t irreparably damage the relationship. No way.


#11

Attend the wedding, by all means. Show your uncle that you love him and care about his happiness and well-being.


#12

[quote=sbcoral]Attend the wedding, by all means. Show your uncle that you love him and care about his happiness and well-being.
[/quote]

Isn’t this a contradiction?

If one truely cares about someone’s happiness and well-being then one cares if this person is commiting mortal sins and condeming themself to Hell.

So if that is the truth, then one should not attend a “gay marriage”.


#13

No one should attend any faux wedding. If we truly love someone then we want them to have eternal life. We should be more concerned with offending Christ, then offending someone engaged in a gravely sinful way of living.

That does not mean we should yell and scream at someone or be intentionally harsh, but authentic charity does not mean pretending to accept the unacceptable. As many have said it is no virtue to allow our neighbors to go skipping and dancing down the road to hell.


#14

[quote=sbcoral]Attend the wedding, by all means. Show your uncle that you love him and care about his happiness and well-being.
[/quote]

What nonsense. If we care about one’s authentic happiness ,we would share the truth, not engage in a lie.


#15

I’ve always seen suggested that one not attend the wedding, but attend the reception. That is what I would suggest you do. You can’t in conscience attend this “wedding”, but to attend the reception shows your uncle that you care about him, that even if you cannot witness to the “wedding” that you do not wash your hands of him.

In other words, the “hate the sin but love the sinner” approach.

When there are two totally opposite views, compromise sometimes just can’t be found. But even though his action is totally antithetical to the faith, there is still the commonality that you and your uncle love and care for each other, just as Jesus loved and cared for all of us, even the worst sinners. He came to save your uncle just as much as he came to save you. Perhaps it is through just such an example of steadfast faith (not going to the “wedding”) coupled with steadfast love (attending the reception) that your uncle may be brought to “think twice” about not just himself and his “partner”, but God.

You are in my prayers.


#16

Lovesfall,

Does your uncle know the level of your committment to God and His teachings? If he does, then perhaps he would understand your lack of attendance better after a heart to heart talk. It would seem that he would not ask you to go against your conscience. It works both ways. It is your love for him that does not allow you to hurt his feelings, but it is also his love for you that should keep him from asking you to do something that you obviously, in good conscience, cannot do. He may not like your position, but after all the years of closeness, do you really think that he would disown you? Pray for guidance and the right words to say to him if you should ultimately find that you cannot attend. Peace to you.

Sherilo


#17

[quote=ByzCath]Isn’t this a contradiction?

If one truely cares about someone’s happiness and well-being then one cares if this person is commiting mortal sins and condeming themself to Hell.

So if that is the truth, then one should not attend a “gay marriage”.
[/quote]

I don’t think that being self-righteous is going to change her 78 year-old uncle’s behavior. He will continue to be gay. She can continue to accept him for who he is (as she has done for 30+ years it seems) or, now, reject him and call him a sinner and possibly forever lose ties to a father figure. Call me a moral relativist all you want, but I think love and acceptance trump self-righteous indignance all of the time.


#18

[quote=Tantum ergo]I’ve always seen suggested that one not attend the wedding, but attend the reception. That is what I would suggest you do. You can’t in conscience attend this “wedding”, but to attend the reception shows your uncle that you care about him, that even if you cannot witness to the “wedding” that you do not wash your hands of him.

In other words, the “hate the sin but love the sinner” approach.

When there are two totally opposite views, compromise sometimes just can’t be found. But even though his action is totally antithetical to the faith, there is still the commonality that you and your uncle love and care for each other, just as Jesus loved and cared for all of us, even the worst sinners. He came to save your uncle just as much as he came to save you. Perhaps it is through just such an example of steadfast faith (not going to the “wedding”) coupled with steadfast love (attending the reception) that your uncle may be brought to “think twice” about not just himself and his “partner”, but God.

You are in my prayers.
[/quote]

I can’t see how attending the reception would be a good idea. The entire enterprise is beyond sound Christain living. It would mean one gives acceptence and credence to the “union”. Christ ate with sinners and called them to conversion. I can’t see how we can reconcil attending an event that celebrates a grave sin with Christ’s will for us. They are contradictory.


#19

[quote=sbcoral]I don’t think that being self-righteous is going to change her 78 year-old uncle’s behavior. He will continue to be gay. She can continue to accept him for who he is (as she has done for 30+ years it seems) or, now, reject him and call him a sinner and possibly forever lose ties to a father figure. Call me a moral relativist all you want, but I think love and acceptance trump self-righteous indignance all of the time.
[/quote]

Living as witness to Christ is not self righteous. Accepting the sin and the sinner is not Christian.


#20

He’s like a father to you. He knows you like his own child. Have you talked to him about it? Once he hears how torn you are between being against gay marriage and being totally for* him* and wanting to be grateful for all he has done for you, he may be willing to let you off the hook himself. If not, he will know if you decide not to come that it was not an easy, knee-jerk decision or a simple matter of gay condemnation for you. If you decide not to go even though he wants you to, do at least write him a letter telling him that the decision was very hard for you, that you only stayed home because you felt duty-bound to do so, that if your conscience didn’t keep you home, wild horses could not have kept you away, and that you wish only the best for him always and hope that your deep difference of heart, though painful for both of you, won’t divide you in the end. Then put your relationship with your uncle in God’s hands.

PS I wouldn’t make this about how “out” his partner is. People are very defensive about their choice of life partners. You should not attack his right to make his own choices. Keep this on the ground of where the real problem lies, which is your conviction that you need to oppose gay marriage in general.


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