I’d like to ask the more experienced of you how you take the dump if a serious relationship ends against your will, what do you do to keep going on with your normal life, avoid brooding and desperate thoughts? It’s easier when you were cheated on, dumped for someone else, deceived, insulted while being dumped or something like that, as in that case you don’t normally want any relationship with that person, so it’s just killing the pain. But how do you deal with it if you’re just told it’s over after a long time surely with problems and disagreements but in a very warm and kind relationship with hopes and dreams, with one of your best friends who certainly still wants to remain one? Can’t pray all the time, besides, mentioning intentions reawakens the hopes and opens wounds and reminds of hopes, reading or intellectual activities can’t get the focus they need or stop reflections, physical work can’t bind thoughts. You certainly get the idea. So, my question is, as some of you have been through even much worse, what’s the way you deal with it?
I’ve been dumped and been the dumpee. In my opinion, the best way to get over it is to find some new hobbies and activities that can occupy the missing part of your time. Reconnecting with other friends can also help ease the pain.
We used to have a “breaking-the-chains” party for our friends who had just broken up. This was back in my more rebellious days but if I were to recommend something like this on this particular forum today, I could easily suggest female-oriented parties but would have a hard time suggesting one for men.
It is hard not to compare every new potential date partner to your former one, so I think it’s good to just be friends with a lot of people until you find yourself pining away much less, so you can be a good potential date partner for someone else.
I dealt with a serious hurtful breakup by taking 18 months off from dating to focus on what my problems were and how I could improve me. That was basically a spiritual re-awakening by spending date time with Jesus in Adoration and at mass instead of focusing on a human person.
I had date night still, but went to Adoration instead -got all gussied up etc. Endless hours in prayer instead of the TV or out on the town.
Man did that help in the healing and personal growth and personal improvements. God had/has much to say when one actually sits and listens.
I would not trade that time or that breakup for anything in this world.
**What a beautiful attitude! **
You could also deal with it by fine tuning your sense of humor…
for instance, did you mean for your thread title to sound like you were asking advice on how to perform “#2”? It has me laughing;)
I assume you are going through this right now? If so, I feel your pain as I was just dumped a few weeks ago myself. In my case, there didn’t seem to be any issues (that I saw, obviously she saw them), she just told me one day that she wasn’t sure why, but she didn’t love me the way I loved her and while there were many wonderful things about our relationship she didn’t think she could and that we should stop dating.
How do I deal with it… not that well… but then again, I doubt most people do, at least at first. The first thing and the hardest thing is to recognize that I didn’t necessarily do anything wrong. I mean, I probably did, but if she doesn’t bring problems up with me, I can’t fix them. Prayer helps, in particular I pray that she finds what she is looking for and that God gives me the strength to accept it. Getting more involved in my interests is a good thing (Though, if you love romantic comedies, now might not be the best time to start watching old favoriets). Fortunately for me, its Irish Music and Astronomy.
Think the OP could’ve come up with a better title for this thread?
@Faenaro’s Wife: Well, my sense of humour is normally appreciated even by my ex. Well, or especially by her, but it didn’t really help things. Anyway, yup, the title is clumsy. It didn’t occur to me until it was too late. I don’t use toilet slang or metaphors in my speech, so I didn’t realise the connotation would be so obvious. Will have to PM an admin or mod now. It surely wasn’t intended as a joke. I find toilet jokes particularly distasteful and shun public discussion of such matters. I apologise for all the outrage.
@Chovy: Yep, I’ve got more in touch with my friends and I still own a number of computer games I haven’t played yet. And there’s the thesis to write. But diversion feels hollow and work just doesn’t, well, work. Can’t focus and all. Maybe I should try something new. Perhaps a church or two will need a webpage. It’s been a while since I last made one.
@jrabs: Indeed… There’s a lot more going on between God and me now. I constantly feel His hand and it’s like waves going back and forth. I just feel things happening but I feel like I have no influence on what’s going in. It’s like I pray and pray and finish, “remember me.” Then I push the church door and it doesn’t want to let me go until the third attempt. Or I open the same door on another day and got almost blinded - it was a bit too early in the morning for such sun… come on, 9 o’clock. I look where it’s coming from and it’s right next to the cross in the yard. Or I pray under that aforementioned cross to find (not necessarily right now, but hopefully soon) a girl I could actually come to that church with (it’s mostly been non-Catholics or non-practicing ones… the kind of luck I get) and on my way back a young girl more or less my age and my “type” pops up out of nowhere heading towards the empty churchyard I was leaving at night and smiles at me (“Oh my, they exist!”)… that kind of stuff. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a law graduate to be this spring and I got my grade in philosophy not for making things up and fabricating ideology, but it’s all a bit much for an accident, especially given the kind of reflections that conveniently come some time after praying. Still, the situation is extremely confusing as I remember the relationship itself started 1.5 years ago the moment I totally let go of her and commended her to God (after lots of praying - she was my best friend, after all and things were complicating), or a day or two after (she came to me on her own). It’s a bit too challenging for my brains and I’m out of wit.
@mchale: Yep. For many days until very recently all my mistakes and shortcomings were shooting back at me, every single thing I did or might have done wrong. In the past, it would have lasted for a day or three, but not with this girl. And yep, same though: if she doesn’t talk to me about it, I can’t fix it. As for hobbies, for me most of it would be computer/online based for hobby and non-profit involvement and the things I read about my other (many) hobbies are generally online resources rather than printed books. Suddenly whatever involves the computer feels incredibly hollow to me. Hopefully writing the thesis should fill my time and interest nicely, though.
Thanks for replies, everyone. Do keep them coming, though, please.
title changed per OP’s request
I dealt with it one day at a time, with a lot of tears and recriminations and prayer and with the support of good friends. I wrote a lot in my journal and used my Jesus Box a LOT. Eventually, time healed the wound.
Just for the record, I wasn’t outraged (note the smiley face).
Yeah… sometimes talking about it helps. Some people I know recover all too quickly… some don’t. I got over mine for about a month… at least, now I know how a divorce feels. Cheer up! As the saying goes, there’s always someone better out there.
whats a Jesus box? I think it might help me…
Hit the gym and see if you can add 10-20 lbs to your benching max.
After 20 years of marriage and 3 children, I was “dumped.” How did/do I deal with it? Well, it’s been a year and a half since I moved out. Some days are good days, others… not so good. I suppose in my case the thing that has helped me hang in there is that the children live with me. My wife didn’t like being married OR being tied down as a mother. Her loss.
I’ve dumped and been dumped. When I dumped a long-term (non-practicing) relationship, he was incredibly persistent. He stated that i dumped him for God. He insisted that we were meant to be and for 2 years attempted to convince me this was the case. This made me feel really guilty, as I hated breaking up with him in the first place, but I wasnt about to feel bad enough for him to marry him. The reason i say this is not to make you feel not good enough, but to help you know not what to do. One thing I would suggest is to give her space and ask God for the grace to gracefully move on. I had to eventually cut off all ties with the gentleman because we could not be “friends” after a 5 year relationship. Furthermore, ever time we saw each other, it hurt me, but I would see all his emotions getting stirred up inside him again. Therefore, if she cares for you, I would ask her, as confusing as that sounds, not to contact you. You will be hurt, but it would make the process easier.
One thing I found after being dumped by someone serious was that my thoughts continually hoped that things would turn around and change, that if I changed, they would see a new light! I kept waiting and thriving every time they contacted me looking for signs that they were still interested to maintain that hope. I had to grieve the loss. I had to think of, as hard as it was, reasons they were not perfect or perfect for me. Prayer and developing closer friendships helped. Another suggestion is re-arranging or re-decorating rooms you frequently hung out in; this changes the associations that make you think of her. Honestly, the only thing that changed (in a curing way) those associations that were embedded in my plans for the future with this person was entering into a relationship with someone else. When that happened, somehow the future dreams became fragmented and began to fade. I would hope that others would have better advice on such, but can only speak from personal experience.
I’m sorry to hear of your loss. I know this can be so heartbreaking. Perhaps you have a Spiritual Director? I hope that helps or comforts you in some way.
A word of advice, my man. If I were you (and I’m not), I would almost not waste five minutes on a non-Catholic woman. Complete waste of time. You’re opening yourself to a can of worms (e.g., “Honey, which church do we raise our children in?; Will you go to Mass with me?”). That’s something you’ll want to avoid, if at all possible. I see your age is young, and these things may not seem important, but if you want a good marriage, I’d suggest you find a Catholic woman some way, some day. Yeah: it’s tough. The non-practicing ones might be O.K., depending how far off they’ve dipped, and if you can start getting them reinterested in their faith. But anyone else, e.g. a church-going Protestant; man, I would forget that.
Thanks for all advice and thoughts.
@Norseman82: That might be a good idea. I’ve been thinking about a martial art. Since I’m too old for the oriental stuff that’s best started training when you’re a kid, I think I’ll go for cravmaga if I can find it somewhere here.
@CatholicSamurai, Tjetjen: Yep. Divorce comparison is so completely out of scale. In fact, I should probably be happy it all solved now instead of a year after wedding or something. She might have had a point when she said we wouldn’t have been happy together.
@LSK: Thank you. My friends have provided a lot of support, as have all of you posting here and wherever my “problem” pops up.
@breathespirit: I seem to be persistent in the idea that her and my fates are intertwined and that we’re actually right for each other and all, but the most pain comes from memories and the fact that the past won’t lead to a future. The dumping has begun to work as a turn-off, sure, and I most certainly don’t need to talk to the girl whenever I bump into her. What’s worrying is the girl’s attitude, because I’m quite sure she’s indeed happier than with me - except in which aspects and if really. She seems to have thrown herself into the single life happily, but the way she treats me now is not exactly how it was back as friends, plus I don’t think she would be oh so happy to see me find a girl, or start a relationship with a guy, so I think it’s all happy on condition that neither of us hits it off with someone else. Then again, I don’t know since it was long-distance, so I only see her online, not often, and obviously don’t get as much information. She will be coming to my country in the summer if they accept her application for a summer course in our language, history and culture (well, it was serious - I’ve picked up some basics of her language as well ;)). Probably a good idea to stay away from girls until then just in case something happens, though I doubt it’s likely that she decides it’s a good idea to raise children Catholic or drops all reservations as to whether have them.
Anyway, I trust that God has taken some stance regarding this and if so, then His will will always be for the better. Sometimes I wonder if it’s not all because I have too little faith? For some reason, it looks like I’ve never really “been with” or hit on a practicing Catholic girl. Matter of chance maybe, plus them not being typically single, but truth be told I don’t even know how it is with a Catholic girl. Christian, yep (Protestant). Catholic grounding (gone agnostic), yep. But that’s it. Maybe it’s time to find out. Marriage is a house, houses are best built on a rock. Rock is Peter. Peter is Rome. Unless I’m Pope Peter II but simply don’t know it yet, of course.
I don’t have a spiritual director. I don’t have a problem with the concept, of course, but I don’t think it would work for me. It’s not common here and I don’t think it’s much in-line with my personality. I’ve never been an altar boy (or scout or anything lay), never had a fixed confessor, never been involved with a parish-based organisation on a full-time basis (or any organisation for that matter), even if pretty much everyone knows me and I’ve had the honour to help a bit from time to time.
@Dwyer: Yep. I had a relationship with a Protestant girl before the last one. She would even have had the children raised Catholic, but there was no talking her out of the idea of two ceremonies - one for each church. I can imagine there’s also the concept of co-officiating by a priest and a minister, or maybe problems with validity of sacraments. I need none of that. As for atheists and agnostics… well… I’m out of it unless something really exceptional happens. But I’m not going to get into another relationship where I build the bond and the hopes without knowing for sure if I won’t end up with an impediment or inability or something (exclusio boni prolis hello :rolleyes: ). If you know the girl to be a Catholic in good standing, you have some questions answered without the need to come up with them awkwardly early. Of course, you cannot exclude Canon 1095, but if she knew about an impediment or inability, she would stay away. Vows generally solve things for me, but since I want to be open to God’s will, I’m not going to take a broad vow to stay away from non-Catholics. If you find a magnificent person who’s not Catholic, just think what she would be like with all the graces of valid sacraments (at some point, hopefully)!
After 12 years of marriage and two kids I was dumped for a younger, fresher somebody basically a slim and trim a teenager to be precise. But she can have him because one day he is going to realise what a fool and idiot he was.
The right person will come along one day. Maybe you and this person were just not meant to be together. That she was not your life partner or soulmate. That person will come one day have faith in that. Mybe that person is even on your doorstep and you have not realised it. Or maybe you are just meant to be alone and God has another plan for you.
Maybe what you should do is stop thinking about meeting somebody and start thinking about yourself. Do some soul searching of your own. Start finding you and what makes you happy. How can you make somebody else happy if you cannot make the most important person in your life happy and that is you. I have come to realise that people come into your life for a reason, season or lifetime and they make some impact in your life.
I said to a friend one day that I will never ever fall in love again. She said to me you have only been separated for a year. Give yourself time to heal and get over this stepping stone. There is somebody out there for you is he around the corner and cannot wait to be a part of your life. That my husband was not Gods plan in my life that is why he is no longer a part of my life. Because of the problems I had in my marriage I blamed God for everything that happened and even turned my back on him. I blamed for my mother dying and leaving me alone to face this unhappy marriage and why did he take a good Catholic women who worshipped him and made him her whole life instead finding another may to marry when my father left her when I was 2 years old. But I found my way back to God and he is my life my everything. The reason I wake up in the morning the reason I go to bed at night. For the 2 beautiful children I have. Anyway she said to me when I decide that I am ready to find another person to spend the rest of my life with as I am only 32 years old. I should pray to God and ask him to send me a good Catholic/Christian man, he must be kind and gentle, loving and caring, honest, reliable, dependable, trustworthy, must love me and my kids and able to take care of me and my kids.
But hang in there your princess will come one day when you least expect it. So pray to God to send you that good women with all the requirements that you want and also that she love you and except you for who you are and also for your religious beliefs.