Getting married is easier said than done


#1

As a single guy, I wish I had a quarter for every one who mentioned (here and elsewhere) that I need to get married. Yes, I know that. I want to get married. However, it's more than a little difficult once you're past 30 and any potential mates you meet think you're a freak of nature that you're still single past 30.

First dates? Ha! Try getting your heart broken into a million little pieces from all the dreadful first dates you have to go on, making every bloomin' effort to put your "best foot forward" and "dressed to the nines" and having to make a "good first impression," and all this other poppycock that has trained singles to lie and deceive their way into a relationship. What happens when you have to put your other foot forward? What happens if you make a bad impression? The way our society is today, you essentially have to be sinful to maintain the facade of a good relationship.

Getting married is easier said than done. If I want to get married, I really have three choices at this point: (a.) be a "player" and smooth-talk my way into some woman's life, (b.) do the mail-order Asian or Russian bride thing, or (c.) try my luck with a female prison pen pal.

Where are the "LifeSingle" masses? Where are the homilies for us? Where's the acknowledgment at any Catholic parishes that there are men who want to get married? Please don't blame the men when the Catholic church bears some responsibility: and, yes, if it's a sacrament, the church does have some responsibility assisting parishoners who desire to know this sacrament.

So, again, I just hope CAF posters are mature enough to realize that you can't just get married like it's like going to the supermarket for a loaf of bread. ("Oh, gee, getting married is so wonderful..why, oh, why didn't I get married sooner?") Please be mindful of sentiment like that, because it's incredibly insensitive and hurtful to a lot of people reading the message boards. Thank you.


#2

I find it odd that you state people on here tell you to “just get married” for the most part posters suggest happy holy single life and very much care when entering relationships. The only thing people do suggest is to start a young adult group yourself or to use solid catholic dating sites like Catholic match or more loved Ave Maria singles. As far as the church in genral. After a few years bitter thae the church didnt do enough i realized i was not a teen in need of guidence but an adult and it takes adults…not a priest to create groups. that or move to a major city.


#3

It's good to be positive and natural and avoid bitterness. Apart from being immoral, lying harms things by preventing an *actual *match. Caring about impression, on the other hand, is good, as a modest person does put this kind of care in his interactions with another person whom he values.


#4

Try being 40 and living in a college town where there’s lots and lots of stuff for single Catholics – if you’re in the 20-year age range.

But in all seriousness I know exactly how you feel. My parish started a singles group and it’s been great fun but most of the guys that show up are not Catholics. They’re other denominations which is great to have a big group to do stuff but if you’re interested in a Catholic, sacramental relationship you’re kind of out of luck. As another poster suggested I tried Ave Maria Singles (am still on it because their retreats are fabulous), but I haven’t had much luck. Most of the guys you contact do not respond and most of the ones that are in my age range are not in my part of the state. Long distance it’s hard to develop a good foundation for a relationship so I would prefer someone within my geographic area.


#5

[quote="chevalier, post:3, topic:213171"]
Caring about impression, on the other hand, is good, as a modest person does put this kind of care in his interactions with another person whom he values.

[/quote]

It can be. But to the extent of dressing, etc in a way that is not natural to the person involved, "making an impression" can also be deceptive.


#6

Get involved in your Parish - if you are very involved - those good Catholic singles will see you involved, know that you are involved, know what you are about, and there will be no need to be dressed to the nines because you will already have a friendship based on God when you go on the first date. IMHO.


#7

[quote="havana1, post:1, topic:213171"]
Where are the homilies for us? Where's the acknowledgment at any Catholic parishes that there are men who want to get married?

[/quote]

From my observations, a big part of the problem is that the standard these days is the push for people to be "happy singles" and giving people grief for wanting to be married in the first place instead of realizing that most people cannot handle lifelong celibacy. And I think part of that is the fact that many lay ministries in the Church are being taken over by divorced women, and that singles ministries/groups/discussions are more geared to divorced people (and single parents) than to the never-marrieds. Now, everybody needs to be ministered to, but the needs of a post-menopausal divorced woman and the needs of a single parent and never did the right thing by marrying his/her fornication partner is different than the "40 year old virgin" demographic, so I think that singles ministries/groups/discussions needs to be subdivided to reflect this.

There are a few positive notes, though. One is the National Catholic Singles Conference:

nationalcatholicsingles.com/

Also, I was at a live broadcast this past week of Fr. Hoffman's Relevant Radio show "Go Ask Your Father", and at the end he did lead us in a Hail Mary for all those seeking spouses.


#8

It can be when the intent is to deceive. Without giving specific examples–putting up a display, then letting it go when the partner is “secured”.


#9

Have you tried meeting people online through Catholic singles websites or even eHarmony where you can choose that your religion is very important to you? I met my husband through friends, but we talked online mostly before we met. It was a wonderful experience. I wish you luck in finding the perfect companion for your life. They are out there waiting for you too. :)


#10

I married my husband when he was 32, so there is always hope for the over-30 crowd! :D
We met on eHarmony. He had been there for several years, but I had only been there for about a week before we were matched up. Just make sure you don't say that the thing you were most grateful for in life was your wonderful ex-girlfriend who taught you what true love was all about! :rolleyes: As long as you don't do that I'm sure you won't be there for years like he was!


#11

[quote="chevalier, post:8, topic:213171"]
It can be when the intent is to deceive. Without giving specific examples--putting up a display, then letting it go when the partner is "secured".

[/quote]

Specific example? Here's one of many: Singles are instructed to wear their Sunday best, in some cases spending upwards of $300-$500 at department store for a nice sport coat and pants that will probably be never worn again after that first date. No jeans, no shirts, no t-shirts. Absolutely, necessarily has to be the finest in high fashion because if the guy looks like a cheapskate, that's a red flag for women.

Tell me, please: How is that not deception? How is that not lying? Why can't singles go on a first date with whatever they're comfortable wearing? The relationship starts, the guy begins to wear t-shirts, jeans, shorts, and the woman starts to wonder, "Oh, gee, so this guy's a slob?" First impressions are inherently and inescapably deceptive.

Getting married is easier said than done.


#12

Getting dumped for not having sex blows.


#13

[quote="havana1, post:11, topic:213171"]
Specific example? Here's one of many: Singles are instructed to wear their Sunday best, in some cases spending upwards of $300-$500 at department store for a nice sport coat and pants that will probably be never worn again after that first date. No jeans, no shirts, no t-shirts. Absolutely, necessarily has to be the finest in high fashion because if the guy looks like a cheapskate, that's a red flag for women.

[/quote]

There is definitely no rule that says you have to wear a $500 sport coat for a first date! That would actually make me wonder whether the guy knew the value of money, or was too high-maintanance! :eek:
I think it all depends on where you go for your first date. My husband wanted to take me to a nice Italian restaurant for our first date, so I wore a skirt and he wore a button-down shirt. If you wanted a more low-key first date, like horseback riding or a walk in the park, jeans and a nice shirt would be appropriate. Making a good first impression is definitely not all about the clothing. There are plenty of women who would prefer a less uptight date where high-end clothing is not required. And I don't think anyone would consider someone a deceptive slob if they dressed up nicely on their first few dates then dressed more casually on subsequent ones. I think everyone realizes nobody dresses in their nicest clothes every day.
If you go into a date expecting to be judged harshly or to have a bad experience, your date will definitely pick up on that. Don't dismiss the importance of having a positive attitude. Being negative always shows through no matter how hard you try to hide it, and it's the quickest way not to get a second date.


#14

[quote="havana1, post:11, topic:213171"]
Specific example? Here's one of many: Singles are instructed to wear their Sunday best, in some cases spending upwards of $300-$500 at department store for a nice sport coat and pants that will probably be never worn again after that first date. No jeans, no shirts, no t-shirts. Absolutely, necessarily has to be the finest in high fashion because if the guy looks like a cheapskate, that's a red flag for women.

Tell me, please: How is that not deception? How is that not lying? Why can't singles go on a first date with whatever they're comfortable wearing? The relationship starts, the guy begins to wear t-shirts, jeans, shorts, and the woman starts to wonder, "Oh, gee, so this guy's a slob?" First impressions are inherently and inescapably deceptive.

Getting married is easier said than done.

[/quote]

Perhaps you need to rethink the women you are asking out and where you are taking them. My first date with my husband was the zoo and the botanical gardens. We didn't have a date that would require a fancy sports coat until we were engaged and our parents were meeting for the first time.

I can't imagine going on a first date that would require that kind of price tag for clothing.


#15

I am a 40 year old woman who has never been married and I can relate to the frustration. I think both genders go through it. However, it never ceases to amaze me when men say 'I think the reason I can't get a girl is because of blah blah blah' and the truth of the matter is 'blah blah blah' sounds like the biggest turn off to me. I have to wonder are men really that mis-informed or am I simply not a real woman.

I always though woman worried more about close than a man. So when I see a man with a $500 jacket I think
-1) While we are dating I will never be able to keep up and dress as fashionably as him
- 2) If ever we do get married, I will be with an irresponsible man who wastes money on trivial things instead of saving for the futre.

One thing that REALLY boils my blood is when people suggest 'get involved with your parish, it is a great way for singles to meet other singles'. NOTHING could be farther than the truth. Most of the singles at church events are divorced and on a mission to change the church's teachings and get remarried. Or even worse. I have often been at a Catholic function where I was the only single woman and there was only 1 single man. Everyone though that since we were both single it was a given we were to date !!!! That just made a really akward for situation for me and the man since it was obvious to us we were not a match. When I was in my 30's, a single guy who was 12 years older than me use to drive me home from church (Canadian winters can be cold). When the priest saw that, he immediately though we should become an item. That just made it really akward for me and I started walking home in the freezing cold. I had no interest in a man who was 12 years older.

So... just because there are other singles out there, it does not minimize the frustration for us. We obviously did not wait this long to marry any old person. Finding someone who is compatible is really important and it would be nice if married people could remember that

CM


#16

[quote="cmscms, post:15, topic:213171"]
I am a 40 year old woman who has never been married and I can relate to the frustration. I think both genders go through it. However, it never ceases to amaze me when men say 'I think the reason I can't get a girl is because of blah blah blah' and the truth of the matter is 'blah blah blah' sounds like the biggest turn off to me. I have to wonder are men really that mis-informed or am I simply not a real woman.

I always though woman worried more about close than a man. So when I see a man with a $500 jacket I think
-1) While we are dating I will never be able to keep up and dress as fashionably as him
- 2) If ever we do get married, I will be with an irresponsible man who wastes money on trivial things instead of saving for the futre.

One thing that REALLY boils my blood is when people suggest 'get involved with your parish, it is a great way for singles to meet other singles'. NOTHING could be farther than the truth. Most of the singles at church events are divorced and on a mission to change the church's teachings and get remarried. Or even worse. I have often been at a Catholic function where I was the only single woman and there was only 1 single man. Everyone though that since we were both single it was a given we were to date !!!! That just made a really akward for situation for me and the man since it was obvious to us we were not a match. When I was in my 30's, a single guy who was 12 years older than me use to drive me home from church (Canadian winters can be cold). When the priest saw that, he immediately though we should become an item. That just made it really akward for me and I started walking home in the freezing cold. I had no interest in a man who was 12 years older.

So... just because there are other singles out there, it does not minimize the frustration for us. We obviously did not wait this long to marry any old person. Finding someone who is compatible is really important and it would be nice if married people could remember that

CM

[/quote]

I apologize - I am lucky to be in a parish that has a Young Adult Catholic program that includes service work, Bible study, and outings such as camping and does not include drinking, drugs, or sex. Couples are allowed - dating or married as well as divorced but the youngest age starts at 18 and can go to 39. Why not start a program like this


#17

[quote="joandarc2008, post:16, topic:213171"]
I apologize - I am lucky to be in a parish that has a Young Adult Catholic program that includes service work, Bible study, and outings such as camping and does not include drinking, drugs, or sex. Couples are allowed - dating or married as well as divorced but the youngest age starts at 18 and can go to 39. Why not start a program like this

[/quote]

Because some parishes won't allow it, that's why. Here's a specific example:

I'm told I have to talk with a priest, which requires me to schedule an appointment during the week (away from my work schedule), rather than talking with him after church. (Why can't I talk to the priest after church?) Anyway, so I get the appointment and talk with him:

Me: "Can I start a singles group at this parish?"
Priest (skeptical): "Write something up and I'll be sure the parish council brings it at up at their next meeting."

A few days go by, I don't hear anything.

A few more days go by.

And so on.

When people say, "Start something at your parish," this is what happens. You can't just "do" something at your parish just because you want to. It requires approval from the church's parish council. The way 'married people' seem to lecture 'singles' about all we need to do is just start a church group like it's Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland staging a musical...no offense, but life - and parish politics - doesn't work that way. If a particular Catholic parish doesn't want you starting a "singles group," guess what? You can't start a "singles group" unless you go rogue. That's not fair. That's not right.


#18

I would try singles websites if your parish is not letting you start a singles group for whatever reason.

@illmatic that is sad, especially if you really liked that person, but it's better in the long run if you don't stay with that person. People who fornicate have much higher chances of catching STDs, often have out-of-wedlock births... and IF they ever do marry: higher divorce rates, higher rates of adultery, etc. Not to mention, being with a person who will dump you if you don't "put out" when you're not even married is like a one-way ticket to hell. They obviously don't have Christian values, and one of the main purposes of marriage is to help each other get to heaven. Being attracted to someone is one thing, but dumping them for not having sex is another ball game... it shows a person values their own selfish pleasure over the soul of their possible future spouse. :(


#19

Sounds typical for ANY new adventure at any parish I’ve been a part of. Did you follow up, were you persistent? ANY new group at a parish has growing pains and sometimes feels like its never going to take off. Maybe some of us married people “lecture” you because we’ve been at the same point you seem to be at and are offering you what worked for us. I would never offer anyone advice if I didn’t have some point of personal reference to refer back to. Its not like us “married people” were never single and trying to make sense of it all and just as perplexed about trying to find someone that we would want to be married to. I was 31 when I got married. DH’s best friend just turned 40 and plans to propose to his girlfriend of one year in the next month. If you are praying and actively discerning for a spouse, its all in God’s timing.


#20

[quote="havana1, post:1, topic:213171"]
As a single guy, I wish I had a quarter for every one who mentioned (here and elsewhere) that I need to get married. Yes, I know that. I want to get married. However, it's more than a little difficult once you're past 30 and any potential mates you meet think you're a freak of nature that you're still single past 30.

First dates? Ha! Try getting your heart broken into a million little pieces from all the dreadful first dates you have to go on, making every bloomin' effort to put your "best foot forward" and "dressed to the nines" and having to make a "good first impression," and all this other poppycock that has trained singles to lie and deceive their way into a relationship. What happens when you have to put your other foot forward? What happens if you make a bad impression? The way our society is today, you essentially have to be sinful to maintain the facade of a good relationship.

Getting married is easier said than done. If I want to get married, I really have three choices at this point: (a.) be a "player" and smooth-talk my way into some woman's life, (b.) do the mail-order Asian or Russian bride thing, or (c.) try my luck with a female prison pen pal.

Where are the "LifeSingle" masses? Where are the homilies for us? Where's the acknowledgment at any Catholic parishes that there are men who want to get married? Please don't blame the men when the Catholic church bears some responsibility: and, yes, if it's a sacrament, the church does have some responsibility assisting parishoners who desire to know this sacrament.

So, again, I just hope CAF posters are mature enough to realize that you can't just get married like it's like going to the supermarket for a loaf of bread. ("Oh, gee, getting married is so wonderful..why, oh, why didn't I get married sooner?") Please be mindful of sentiment like that, because it's incredibly insensitive and hurtful to a lot of people reading the message boards. Thank you.

[/quote]

I'll tell you a secret. If you'd like to find ladies to date join a social or dancing group. Usually the ratio of ladies to men is like 5 ladies for every guy. Men don't seem to want to get out and socialize like the ladies do. Go to a catholic singles conference and learn and meet other singles. Look about you in church. I don't care what they say men have it easier they just have to get out and look more closely. :rolleyes:


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