Getting out of the Friend-zone w/o sinning

Hello everyone :slight_smile:

I’m a 25 year old Catholic engineer and I feel called to marriage but have never been in a serious relationship or even on a real first date for that matter. I read a book called “How to Get out of the Friend-Zone” and it was amazingly accurate to my situation of being seen only as a friend by the women I want to date. This book, although very helpful, contains several references that go against Catholic teaching. Most immorality in the book, thankfully, can be overlooked and the main take-away points and advice can be safely applied. The main thing I see as a problem, however, is the part about needing to get physical and actually work up the courage to kiss a girl. The book suggests that one of the main reasons for being stuck in the friend-zone is due to not kissing or being physical so I’m supposed to change that to leave the friend-zone. I can definitely see truth in that but I know passionate kissing as well as some other forms of physical affection outside marriage are gravely sinful and I’ve never kissed anyone my whole life. I want to save my first kiss for marriage but I also want to get out of the friend-zone. It’s a catch-22. Does anyone have any idea how I can have my cake and eat it too :cake:

Thank you for reading and God bless :blessyou:

There are other ways to let a woman know you want to be more that friends besides getting physical. Send her a nice card. Invite her out to dinner. Give her flowers. Look directly into her eyes and let her see that you are attracted to her. You don’t need to lay a hand on a woman to let her know your interested in her. :slight_smile:

It depends how established the friendship is. If a man and a woman have been friends for a few years, an invitation to dinner will not be interpreted as a romantic gesture. If there is truly a well established friendship in place, I think an open heart to heart conversation is really the only way to explore the possibility of more. Of course if it is a new friendship, hints and romantic gestures should be sufficient.

I agree. :slight_smile: The essential thing, for our purposes here is a man doesn’t have to get handsy in order to let a woman know he cares about her, yes?

In my case there is a well established friendship in place and I’ve talked to her before about possibly dating but it was a total shock to her and she couldn’t see us as being more than friends because I’m “too awkward” and “not her type” but I think she’s just not seeing my other side that would be romantic. I was planning on following the advice of the book which suggests a period of separation so she can see what life is like without me, then I could try again. But I think she’d only see me as more than a friend if I showed her physical affection.

Honestly? You’ve been rejected. The way forward here isn’t to try to figure out how to get out of the “friend zone” - it’s to move on.

What DarkLight said.

To elaborate: Sometimes people we’re attracted to aren’t attracted to us. It sucks, it really does. But women don’t like their friendship being used as a way to try to get them to be romantically interested when they’ve already said no. It’s kind of dishonest, to keep being friends with someone who isn’t interested only so you can convince them that they really do want to date you. Women don’t like their friendship being treated as just a stepping stone to a romantic relationship. So just don’t - either accept being just friends or cut ties and move on. There are other women out there, and some of them will be interested in you.

Well, I am open to dating other women, and I have no problem with moving on, but I just can’t see myself asking out a strange girl who I know nothing about. I don’t know how to ask out a girl without being blunt or awkward. I don’t even know how to flirt or show her I’m attracted to her without bluntly stating it. Any suggestions?

Bluntly stating it isn’t as bad as people think, honestly. If she’s someone you casually know, invite her out to coffee to get to know each other better. If she’s a friend, you can just tell her you’re attracted to her. It might work, it might not.

The problem really only comes with guys who won’t take no for an answer.

First, my apologies but I never thought kissing was forbidden. Now, when it leads to other things, sure.

DH and I were our first serious relationship. But it started totally platonic by playing on the company softball team. There were others that helped us “break the ice.” We found out we both loved golf, so we did that together…as friends. After several months, we enjoyed being with each other and started to date. The rest is history. Doing group stuff was the best remedy for us. Many young people go to Theology on Tap talks or the like. Some go to game watches with their alumni club. Good luck! And yes, my DH respected me and himself with wanting to be chaste, although we did kiss.:blush:

Hmmm…interesting. I never thought of it like that before. That seems to make sense. The other hard part is simply meeting the right women in the first place. It seems most of the women I’d want to date are already taken. I’ve also been on 13 different online dating sites over the course of six years searching for the right woman, but none of the women I tried contacting replied. Other women messaged me first and we’ve talked but I haven’t felt attracted to any of them. I’ve gone to several church events as well. I just feel like I’m running out of ideas and options. I’ve prayed like crazy but it appears God wants me to keep waiting and be patient.

I remember my girlfriends being in the same situation. Once they relaxed…BOOM! They are now both happily married with children.

How do I relax :confused:

The whole purpose of dating is to get to know someone. So naturally the women you date you will not know about to some extent.

Being blunt, or better forthright, is the best thing you can do to improve your dating experience. You may not be the best looking or coolest guy but being confident can make up for that. Women are attracted to confidence. Unfortunately for a lot of good guys they aren’t very confident. This is true for a lot of thoughtful and humble guys.

You can work on your confidence. The key is to get over the idea that being rejected is so horrible. As long as you are otherwise being a good person rejection shouldn’t be taken personally. Our egos are the problem, and this is something you can work on. I saw an article a while ago about a man who sought to improve his confidence. He did so by going around and making unusual requests, like to play soccer in someone’s back yard. He figured he’d get rejected every time and this would build up his confidence. He got rejected plenty, but more surprising was how often people said yes. Work on your confidence by learning to get over rejection and I think you’ll find your situation will improve greatly.

Let go of your expectations and hopes. If you are desperate others can sense that in you. Just think of it as getting to know others, instead of getting a wife. Take things one step at a time and let the relationship develop naturally. You’re too young to give up, but if you ooze impatience or push things too quickly the ladies will flee from you. A woman wants a man to be sure of himself but not pushy, or nervous. Either makes women feel uncomfortable.

Well, I think I’m pretty good looking if I do say so myself:cool: But I don’t think I’m confident or “cool”. So yeah I really have to work on confidence. Any other thoughts on how to be more confident?

This is a bit unusual advice, but are there any drama or acting classes in your area?

Honestly if someone is not into you unwanted physical contact will just make them even less into you. You didnt do anything wrong, she just wasnt interested in you that way. Be yourself and be prepared to take the risk of expressing your interest, blunt is fine, because that is all you can do. There isnt some special dating secret.

I’m not sure. I haven’t looked. There is a swing dancing group about 45 minutes away that I’m considering going to. I guess the hardest thing for me is being in a really loud and crowded room and working up the courage to ask a girl to dance when I have no idea to dance to begin with and it’s up to the man to lead :eek:

But I guess drama could also be an option. The biggest worry I have, though, is that there won’t be enough Catholic women there. I only want to date Catholic women.

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit