GF wants to bring a former crush as her wedding guest


#1

I am a bit loathe to ask for relationship advice online, but I am hoping to get some relatively unbiased advice. Currently, I am in a relationship with a woman and have been dating her exclusively for 3 years. I'm saving for her engagement ring (she knows) and we are hoping to be engaged in May.

One of my gf's male friends (who is an ex of hers) is getting married. They have been friends for many years and she plans to go to this can't-miss-event in her home town of Massachusetts right after New Years. She is in her hometown right now at her parent's place (she's there for two weeks for the holidays) and I'm currently at home in Virginia. She begged me to go with her as her date, but I couldn't go due to work and money.

Before she left, she told me she wanted to bring another friend of hers as her guest since I couldn't go. This fellow is also an old friend of hers and is an ex as well. He is married. He initially agreed to go, but begged off later because "weddings aren't his thing".

She feels that she needs to bring a guest because she has no ride to this wedding, and because "it's fun". So since she lost her guest, she decided to ask another male friend of hers who was a previous crush before she dated me. This guy, who I'll call Tony, rejected her previously but still maintained the friendship from afar. He went on a Mormon mission for a few years and recently came back to the US and moved back to Massachusetts.

She called me yesterday and informed me she asked Tony to be her guest for the wedding. I told her I did not approve with her taking a single guy as her date for the wedding. I felt that it was inappropriate since we were in a serious relationship, and that going with a single guy to a romantic event like a wedding is playing with fire. *Especially *since he was a former crush of hers. She got mad and told me that I was being uptight and that her and Tony are just friends. I told her that she had no reason to take any date at all, since she knows many people at this wedding and there is no reason she can't have fun with her friends and acquaintances. I told her that in her situation, I would not take a date at all.

I did not forbid her to go with Tony (I'm not her dad) but I told her that I would be upset if she went with him. She tried to change the conversation but I redirected it later and she told me she would not take any date to the wedding. Right now she has no ride to the wedding, and I'm not sure how she will get there. Her old friends who will be at that wedding live pretty far from her.

Do you guys think I am being unreasonable in not wanting her to go out with Tony? Should unmarried people involved in a serious relationship take an opposite sex guest to a wedding that their partner can't attend? Does it matter if the guest is married or not? I seriously don't think I'm out of line here, but feel free to take me to task if you disagree. If she goes with Tony after telling me she wouldn't, I'm not sure what will happen with our relationship. I hope it doesn't deteriorate that far.


#2

I am also no one to claim expertise in relationship advice, but from the grandmotherly point of view, as a general observation, a gentleman who wishes to claim the exclusive attention of a lady with whom he has been romantically involved for 3 years had better hustle up with the engagement, proposal, ring and quit stalling. As a further general observation one would hope the gentleman in question has come to terms with the facts surrounding his intended's numerous previous relationships, because if that is going to be an issue--and it sure looks that way--there is a lot of work to be done before this new relationship can succeed.


#3

*You’re engaged to her, but can’t go. Why does she ‘‘need’’ to take a ‘‘date’’ to the wedding? There are no more ‘‘dates’’ when you’re engaged. :o She should go solo…

It’s what I would do. I have gone solo to events before, and granted I’m married, but I wouldn’t think of taking some old crush because my husband couldn’t attend an event. Even though you are not married, you are both engaged, and to me? She shouldn’t be fighting you on this at all…it’s a minor thing in the grand scheme of things. She should WANT to go solo…there will be plenty of people for her to mingle with at the wedding…

Just my two cents. You’re not overreacting, I hope it works out. *


#4

*Wow, total polar opposite view from annie tonight. :p Oh well...my opinion, her fiance can't go...you don't take a 'date' in place of him. Is this the prom? lol *


#5

In the original post, he stated that he wasn’t going to be engaged until the middle of next year.

It’s up for debate if this distinction matters in this situation…


#6

I might be a bit biased here from being in controlling relationships in the past, but my first reaction is to question why you don’t trust her. You couldn’t make it so I think your rights to say who she’s going with are forfeit. It would be a different situation if she didn’t ask you to go with her first, but think, this guy is her third choice. She obviously doesn’t have strong enough feelings for him to ask him after you said no. And she’s been with you (faithfully I take it?) for 3 years. You are thinking of marrying this woman. You should be able to trust her in a room full of her former crushes naked. And, from a woman’s perspective, it’s laughable for me, personally, to think that the men I had crushes on 3 years ago would be a threat. She’s with you. She wants to be your wife. Have some faith in her unless she has given you reason not to. A relationship is nothing without trust.


#7

*Yes, that's true...technically, not engaged yet.

What's taking so long, nova? lol I don't know. Maybe I'm old fashioned, or something...but, if you're seriously involved with someone, it's leading towards engagement/marriage...why would you want to take someone you once had a crush on? I don't even think about old bf's anymore...and I'm far from the jealous type, it's just called common courtesy. I wouldn't want to make the guy I'm thinking of marrying, upset or uncomfortable in any way. I don't think nova is being unreasonable, seems like a normal guy to me, from other posts on here.

To each's own...but, to me? She shouldn't have even thought of taking someone she once had a crush on...again, is she that scared to go alone to this wedding? :shrug: Weddings have slow songs...and usually when you bring a date, you're dancing slow with that person. I think it will be tacky if she is doing this, while you're home working...you didn't put a downpayment on the ring yet, did you? :D Kidding. *


#8

*Good points, but I don’t think he doesn’t trust her. I think it’s tacky on her part, actually to want to substitute her fiance with another guy, who she once really liked romantically. But, to each’s own…that’s what makes the world spin. *


#9

*In reading again, looks like she agreed to not take Tony, over much debate. I hope that she doesn't take him, but then doesn't tell you. Then you're right, you have something to be concerned with.

I do believe in having trust in a relationship, but I also don't believe in testing someone's patience, or making them prove their trust by pushing the envelope.

Again, for whatever it's worth...that's my take. Good luck!*


#10

What puzzles me is why your almost-fiancee would invite a MARRIED MAN as her date, rather guest, to a wedding!

I don't think she's serious about her own relationship (whether with you or another) or anybody else's. :eek:


#11

If I were you I would apologize and tell her she can go with whomever she wants.

You aren’t going to win any points by being controlling like that. You do realize that if your girlfriend wanted to cheat on you, telling her she can’t go to a wedding with a single guy would not stop that.

In my opinion you will win more “love points” or whatever you want to call them by giving her the freedom she wants. (And I tell you this as a woman who has 100% platonic relationships with former boyfriends/crushes.)


#12

She called me yesterday and informed me she asked Tony to be her guest for the wedding. I told her I did not approve with her taking a single guy as her date for the wedding. I felt that it was inappropriate since we were in a serious relationship, and that going with a single guy to a romantic event like a wedding is playing with fire. Especially since he was a former crush of hers. She got mad and told me that I was being uptight and that her and Tony are just friends. I told her that she had no reason to take any date at all, since she knows many people at this wedding and there is no reason she can't have fun with her friends and acquaintances. I told her that in her situation, I would not take a date at all.

Oh, little flashing orange lights all over here! :thumbsup: The both of you!

First, you're not engaged. You are in a "stable" (?) relationship, but you are heading in that direction. I've seen weddings called off the weekend before. So engagements are that buffer zone where you find out lots about someone before YOU become the wedding other people are having conniptions about.

My xh broke up with one of his ex fiancees when they were at a wedding of mutual friends. Weddings have ways of bringing out the truth in people.. the participants and the observers.

And what do we see here? A young lady who is unsure of herself. Not confident enough to venture into "ark" territory if she's not two-by-two with someone... anyone. Her issue, not yours. So she asked a married man. Old "friend." I'd love to be a fly on the wall when he told his wife about that one and then had to back out of it.

YOU don't approve of her going on a "date" to a wedding. Did SHE call it a date? Or did she mean more "escort." YOU think it's inappropriate. You think the wedding is a romantic thing and she's playing with fire. Well, now is as good a time as any to find out if she's combustible, pal! Before you pay for a diamond.

That is both your issues. You see, you don't trust her that those guys in her past are really in her past. And something tells me that her choice of former crushes is because she maybe wants to cross the t and dot the i on some old relationships and come to certainty in herself. How old are you both?

She's mad at you for telling her what to do. You're mad because she should be able to have fun without you and go alone and sit along the wall. Well, that's both your issues. Is this your marriage? You telling her what should be fun for her, and her seeing you as an obstacle to a good time? You see, having a boyfriend/fiance/husband is supposed to be the cure for going to dances/balls/weddings/funerals/life alone. Already you have fallen down on the job. Is this a precedent you're going to set where she won't have you by her side as she meets old friends, new friends, relatives and the world? But you will not only not show up, but be telling her she should have a good time alone because there will be plenty of people she knows?

THAT is both your problem.

continued...


#13

So you laid down the law. You told her if she went you’d be unhappy. So she won’t go with the guy. She lost her ride. Now she will be unable to attend this social event of the season in her old hometown.

Or she will have to rent a car and drive a long distance alone and at night and maybe in ice or snow and then drive home after how many drinks alone at night.

Maybe she won’t go. In which case she’ll remember she could have gone but you wouldn’t let her. Or she finds a ride and you accuse her of deceit or you let her know you’re angry.

It’s not about the wedding. It’s all about the old boyfriends and your insecurities. And your trust. Or lack of it. And her boundaries about what she’s willing to give up of her old self and her old life to fit you in her life now.

You’ve been with her three years. You’re both growing and changing. She could go to old boyfriend’s wedding and see him marry a horrible person and come home feeling glad she didn’t settle for him and appreciating you more. She could attend with a guy who she once thought hung the moon and she could see him behave like a jerk and spend the night wishing she was with you.

Or she could rekindle old flames and have a great time and come back thinking maybe her future isn’t with you.

Do you know something? All of these are good outcomes.

The bad outcomes would be her not going, fantasizing that it was a great wedding and she missed it because you didn’t trust her and were controlling and resenting you.

Or her going and lying about it and you being mad and calling off your relationship.

Or her going and having a great time and rekindling an old relationship and coming back and continuing your relationship with you.

SO many possibilities. None of which you can control. All you can control is how you respond to the free choice of the woman you claim you want to marry. The basic issues here won’t change after you put a ring on her finger. Best to find out now which way the wind is really blowing. The truth about you, the truth about her and the third truth… the one that matters most… how you and she are when you combine your lives, your feelings, your emotions and your wills. Sometimes the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, sometimes the two divide each other and each is diminished in the combination.

Long story short… you have valid reasons in your head why YOU aren’t the man on her arm at a wedding. (Which is an event that is an emotional minefield for many women.) I’d let her go with whomever. And sit back and see what happens. She may learn a lot about herself, her own judgment, what she really wants in life… before she accepts your ring she has to answer her own questions in her own head and heart. Let her. After that, if she continues with you, it will be a more certain and more definitive yes.

But right now, if any guy will do on her arm, it’s not time for a ring. Let her find her answers up there. Pray for her and continue doing what was so important to you down at your own home. But leave the anger and disappointment at the door. Remember you were her first choice as a companion to the hometown social event. You declined that invitation. She has no ring on her finger. Despite three years, she’s still a single girl in many respects. Hopefully all the guys up there from way back will pale by comparison to you. Let her find that out sooner rather than later too. The only way you’ll ruin that would be to be so controlling and act like she was property and you owned her, to make her wonder if she could tolerate that for the rest of her life.

If they’re “just friends” they may be a part of your life for years. Better learn to trust them now.

:wink:


#14

If I were you I would apologize and tell her she can go with whomever she wants.

You aren’t going to win any points by being controlling like that. You do realize that if your girlfriend wanted to cheat on you, telling her she can’t go to a wedding with a single guy would not stop that.

In my opinion you will win more “love points” or whatever you want to call them by giving her the freedom she wants. (And I tell you this as a woman who has 100% platonic relationships with former boyfriends/crushes.)

Maybe I am being ridiculous and insecure. I don’t think so, but I did ask for a reality check.

I do admit that the thought of going to a wedding with a former crush is off-putting. I wouldn’t do it myself, but perhaps it is a matter of opinion. I suspect part of the reaction I am getting is that this dabbles into the open debate of whether ex’s can be platonic friends. I actually think that it is possible. She has gone with her ex’s to lunch before or hung out without me present and I haven’t hassled her about it. I trust her with her old ex’s.

What bothers me this time, is that a wedding date is a rather romantic occasion and he was an unrequited crush. I think its playing with fire and not appropriate. I did not say anything about the other married guy who was going with her since they were ex’s and old friends. Hopefully this is a moot point.

As for the matter of the ring, I am indeed serious and it is coming. I already have part of the cash but do not want to put it on credit. I am working on paying down the last of my student debt and will be completely debt free by the summer. This has been a huge 2 year undertaking and I am proud of this. After marriage, I will be in a good position to help her with her student loan debt. This is a big part of why we took so long. We both want children early in marriage and I don’t want finances to be a big impediment. I don’t want to go anymore into this, because I think it will derail the thread.


#15

[quote="Liberanosamalo, post:13, topic:181204"]
So you laid down the law. You told her if she went you'd be unhappy. So she won't go with the guy. She lost her ride. Now she will be unable to attend this social event of the season in her old hometown.

Or she will have to rent a car and drive a long distance alone and at night and maybe in ice or snow and then drive home after how many drinks alone at night.

Maybe she won't go. In which case she'll remember she could have gone but you wouldn't let her. Or she finds a ride and you accuse her of deceit or you let her know you're angry.

It's not about the wedding. It's all about the old boyfriends and your insecurities. And your trust. Or lack of it. And her boundaries about what she's willing to give up of her old self and her old life to fit you in her life now.

You've been with her three years. You're both growing and changing. She could go to old boyfriend's wedding and see him marry a horrible person and come home feeling glad she didn't settle for him and appreciating you more. She could attend with a guy who she once thought hung the moon and she could see him behave like a jerk and spend the night wishing she was with you.

Or she could rekindle old flames and have a great time and come back thinking maybe her future isn't with you.

Do you know something? All of these are good outcomes.

The bad outcomes would be her not going, fantasizing that it was a great wedding and she missed it because you didn't trust her and were controlling and resenting you.

Or her going and lying about it and you being mad and calling off your relationship.

Or her going and having a great time and rekindling an old relationship and coming back and continuing your relationship with you.

SO many possibilities. None of which you can control. All you can control is how you respond to the free choice of the woman you claim you want to marry. The basic issues here won't change after you put a ring on her finger. Best to find out now which way the wind is really blowing. The truth about you, the truth about her and the third truth... the one that matters most... how you and she are when you combine your lives, your feelings, your emotions and your wills. Sometimes the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, sometimes the two divide each other and each is diminished in the combination.

Long story short... you have valid reasons in your head why YOU aren't the man on her arm at a wedding. (Which is an event that is an emotional minefield for many women.) I'd let her go with whomever. And sit back and see what happens. She may learn a lot about herself, her own judgment, what she really wants in life... before she accepts your ring she has to answer her own questions in her own head and heart. Let her. After that, if she continues with you, it will be a more certain and more definitive yes.

But right now, if any guy will do on her arm, it's not time for a ring. Let her find her answers up there. Pray for her and continue doing what was so important to you down at your own home. But leave the anger and disappointment at the door. Remember you were her first choice as a companion to the hometown social event. You declined that invitation. She has no ring on her finger. Despite three years, she's still a single girl in many respects. Hopefully all the guys up there from way back will pale by comparison to you. Let her find that out sooner rather than later too. The only way you'll ruin that would be to be so controlling and act like she was property and you owned her, to make her wonder if she could tolerate that for the rest of her life.

If they're "just friends" they may be a part of your life for years. Better learn to trust them now.

;)

[/quote]

Liberanosamalo, this is a really good point that I hadn't thought about. Do you think the situation would have been different if we were married?


#16

I’ll have to say that I see where the OP is coming from. I would not really want my fiance (even if he were still just my boyfriend) going to a wedding with an ex or other single female friend as his “date”. And I trust my fiance 100%.

I think it looks bad, as in, people may wonder if you are still together. And I think it can be a near occasion for sin.

Personally, I don’t think it’s controlling, I just think it’s being respectful to your significant other.

Perhaps I see it differently though as I am engaged, and not just in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

Why can’t she take a girl friend?


#17

[quote="BrokenFortress, post:16, topic:181204"]
I'll have to say that I see where the OP is coming from. I would not really want my fiance (even if he were still just my boyfriend) going to a wedding with an ex or other single female friend as his "date". And I trust my fiance 100%.

I think it looks bad, as in, people may wonder if you are still together. And I think it can be a near occasion for sin.

Personally, I don't think it's controlling, I just think it's being respectful to your significant other.

Perhaps I see it differently though as I am engaged, and not just in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

Why can't she take a girl friend?

[/quote]

*
100% what I feel about it...I think that it's in poor taste. Nothing more or less.*


#18

But that is very important information.

And it shows that you are a very responsible, careful person.

You want to watch and see if you are getting your equal in a marriage.

My advice stands.

And while YOU may think weddings are romantic events, they are more like a Rhorshack (sp?) ink blob on which every attendee writes their own emotions.

To some they are farces. To others they are romantic. To some in the congregation they are the precursors to everlasting disaster and behind the scenes betting on how long it will last. To some they are bittersweet events, to others, just bitter reminders. To some they are the occasion of deep grief. To a few rare people sitting in a congregation, they are a happy memory and white lace and promises, a kiss for luck and they're on their way.

To crash and burn or stumble along inadequately or a lifetime of bliss. Who knows.

You're putting way too much focus on one afternoon with a bunch of old chums. If a guy that will work his fingers to the bone to get out of debt and save for a ring and then offer to help her pay off her school loans can be dumped after an afternoon at a hotel ballroom with an old crush, you got off easy.

As I said, my xh broke up with a fiancee at a wedding. When he first told me I believed his version of events. She was a "drama queen" who couldn't stand not being the center of attention and had to pull a whole "sick" act and go home early.

Later it dawned on me HE was the drama queen. And his fiancee probably sat at the wedding and watched and got the sick feeling that the next one she was going to be attending was her own, with Mr. Narcissist at her side as the groom and maybe it did make her violently ill and she had to go home and they fought (because that's what he does best) and she gave him his ring back.

See... weddings aren't always romantic. They don't always lead to people falling into love with the person they're sitting next to. They don't always kindle sparks of love. Sometimes they kindle sparks of anger and resentment and dread.

For all you know, she's going to sit through it and look at the dress, the music, the flowers, the food and the readings at the wedding and be thinking "What will I do differently when I marry Prince Charming? I think I want blue streamers on my bouquet."

A nice touch would be if you got the phone number of the guy escorting her and thanked him for seeing her safely to the wedding and back, because she was priceless to you. And offering him a beer and dinner if he ever finds his way into town. And be sure not every bachelor at a wedding gets romantic about it himself. Guys are different. But you knew that.

;)


#19

Liberanosamalo, this is a really good point that I hadn’t thought about. Do you think the situation would have been different if we were married?

Yes. If you were married and she wanted to take an old boyfriend as a date to another old boyfriend’s wedding, I’d have issues with that.

:smiley:

I know some think it’s tacky for her to go with someone… or could she go with a female friend? Maybe she doesn’t have many of those. I have one daughter with an army of female friends and one who doesn’t have more than a handful. Depends on the woman.

To me, this is all about unfinished issues. She needs to finish them before she can move ahead. So she can close certain doors forever.

If she were engaged, I would say she shouldn’t go. Let her find that the image of this guy in her mind doesn’t compare to your steadfast generosity and responsibility. Maybe she’ll come back and tell you “OMG, I don’t ever want to go anywhere without you ever again. That was a disaster!”

You still have things to learn about yourselves and each other before you give her a ring. Aks the poster elsewhere whose fiance stole from her little brother.

Maybe her need to “party” and your need to work your fingers to the bone and play later would spell future disaster. Play it out. There are no wrong answers to this. Only dishonest answers and outcomes where people lie to themselves about who they’re dealing with.


#20

Thanks for the really great advice Liberanosamalo. Your thoughts make me wonder if maybe I’m the one who is more ready for marriage than she is. I hope that she can make an honest and heartfelt decision by the time I ask her. The worst outcome that could come with this, is that it rekindles old feelings for him but she fails to tell me since she does not want to ruin a 3 year relationship. I would hate to drag that situation into a marriage.

My opinions on the matter do align with Whatevergirl and Brokenfortress, but I think you raise a good point that maybe she is working through things. I certainly don’t want a wife who can’t commit honestly on the wedding day. She hasn’t given me reason to think otherwise so far, so I’m just going to see what happens and try not to over analyze or blow things out of proportion.


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