Girl trouble


#1

Hello,

I need some advise on how to deal with a very painful subject. Im set to enter the seminary next fall and have been practicing intentional celibacy since i felt the call. But there has been some girl who i really like show interest in me. She did not know my desires for the priesthood so we got really close. We were never a couple but i felt we came close. Well anyway now she knows my desires for the priesthood and has been avoiding me like the plauge since then. I feel terrible! Its almost like i told i was a serial killer or something. Is she handling this well? I really liked this girl but i knew nothing was ever going to happen but i did grow really attached to her and now the possibility of another man sweeping off her feet and marrying her is just killing me!!! I need prayers and any advice you may have.

Thanks !


#2

That's an excellent question! And hopefully I have an excellent answer :p

First realize that seminary is discernment, not the "real deal". That doesn't mean leave at the whim of a mere spiritual trial, but do realize that you are not bound. If truly feel God is calling you to marriage with a woman rather than just him alone, then follow his voice: He knows best how to make you happy!

Second, should you be absolutely sure that's what God wants you to do then talk to her and tell her that you love her enough to give her back to God. Tell her that he has great plans for her and his way is the most joyful way in the end. He has this all planned out for you! You just have to take up the lead.

Unfortunately I have to say all that out of faith since I am a mere 16 year old, but again, hopefully it's what God wanted you to hear.

God bless you!!! :bible1:
With love,
Anthony


#3

[quote="Anthony_V, post:2, topic:236413"]
First realize that seminary is discernment, not the "real deal". That doesn't mean leave at the whim of a mere spiritual trial, but do realize that you are not bound. If truly feel God is calling you to marriage with a woman rather than just him alone, then follow his voice: He knows best how to make you happy!

Second, should you be absolutely sure that's what God wants you to do then talk to her and tell her that you love her enough to give her back to God. Tell her that he has great plans for her and his way is the most joyful way in the end. He has this all planned out for you! You just have to take up the lead.
Anthony

[/quote]

i would also like to add, Don't forget to Pray its extremely important you Pray for your vocation discernment even while your in the seminary it may not be the path God would prefer you to go on. Since you also seem to show much love for this young women Pray for her just as much, Pray that she may discern her vocation and since you are worried about someone "sweeping her off her feet" Pray that it will be the right guy the one God has chosen for her whether that guy is you or not. Prayer is very important don't under estimate as im sure you don't. :gopray2:


#4

[quote="CatholicGuy22, post:1, topic:236413"]
Is she handling this well?

[/quote]

Maybe the real question is, are you handling this well?

It may be that in leaving you alone - or even in giving you the cold shoulder, if that's what's happening - she is doing her best to let you pursue your vocation. And what's best for you may not be what's most comfortable.

Whatever choices we make in life, some regrets are inevitable, and celibacy does come at a cost. That you're feeling a little torn is unremarkable, but not easy to live with. This is something to work on in the coming months, and we all have to accept that there are often unwelcome consequences to the decisions we make. However painful, this experience will help you to better understand whether the vocation to priesthood is right for you as you discern the ongoing commitment to ordination that you've begun.

Prayers and best wishes for you.


#5

Well, she's young (as you are.) Many eons ago, I briefly dated a young man who decided to enter the seminary. He hadn't mentioned he was discerning a vocation, so I was pretty shocked when he informed me of this two weeks before he entered. I was pretty shocked at the time, even though the dating was what you would call "light dating" (mostly movies, fast food dinners, or group activities.) No, it never had gotten really romantic, and certainly didn't start stretching the limits of celibacy (I think we kissed once, and it wasn't what used to be called "necking.")

However, as I mentioned, it was a pretty shocking revelation to me, and I doubt I handled it well. He called me a couple of times during those two weeks, and I pretended that I was busy instead of talking with him or going out for a last hamburger together. It just felt weird (I'm trying to describe the emotion I felt here at that time) to realize I had been dating "a student priest!"

I moved on, and so did he. I was dancing with New York City Ballet when I received an invitation to his ordination Mass. I went. It was great to see him again, and I was very touched by the invitation, and very proud of him. He was in the Archdiocese of New York, and bought season tickets to the ballet when I was still with them. We kept in touch, and kept it friendly. He officiated at my wedding, and many years later, at my father's funeral. Even though when I retired from the ballet I moved away from New York, we still keep in touch, and I'm proud to count him as a friend.

Reminds me. I owe him a letter!


#6

[quote="CatholicGuy22, post:1, topic:236413"]
Hello,

I need some advise on how to deal with a very painful subject. Im set to enter the seminary next fall and have been practicing intentional celibacy since i felt the call. But there has been some girl who i really like show interest in me. She did not know my desires for the priesthood so we got really close. We were never a couple but i felt we came close. Well anyway now she knows my desires for the priesthood and has been avoiding me like the plauge since then. I feel terrible! Its almost like i told i was a serial killer or something. Is she handling this well? I really liked this girl but i knew nothing was ever going to happen but i did grow really attached to her and now the possibility of another man sweeping off her feet and marrying her is just killing me!!! I need prayers and any advice you may have.

Thanks !

[/quote]

In the next few months, years you should pay very careful attention to all the repercussions of celibacy. I don't think that you have come to grips with it yet. The fact that you let this relationship develop to the degree it had suggests to me that you are ambivalent about celibacy.

Your friend is probably trying to recover from her new-found knowledge and is moving on. You should too.


#7

[quote="CatholicGuy22, post:1, topic:236413"]
Im set to enter the seminary next fall and have been practicing intentional celibacy since i felt the call. But there has been some girl who i really like show interest in me. She did not know my desires for the priesthood so we got really close. We were never a couple but i felt we came close. Well anyway now she knows my desires for the priesthood and has been avoiding me like the plauge since then. I feel terrible! Its almost like i told i was a serial killer or something. Is she handling this well? I really liked this girl but i knew nothing was ever going to happen but i did grow really attached to her and now the possibility of another man sweeping off her feet and marrying her is just killing me!!! I need prayers and any advice you may have.

[/quote]

As a woman my first reaction to the fact that she’s avoiding you might be because she’s embarrassed. In my dating days I would have been taken aback, perhaps a little more than slightly, if a beau I’d perhaps had romantic feelings for told me of his intentions to enter the seminary.

You don’t mention how long you’d known this woman or how long it’s been since she started avoiding you; nevertheless, my best advice for you is to give her time and space and let her, if she wants to, contact you. If you go after her, as it were, you’ll be sending her mixed signals about your intentions.

And if she does make contact, you really should apologize for not being upfront from the get go about your calling to the priesthood. You admit that she didn’t know about your calling and that the two of you grew close. She deserved to know about your seminary plans at the outset, if for no other reason than she could have adjusted her feelings for you.

You obviously care for this woman romantically or else you wouldn’t be so conflicted about the idea she’ll marry someone else. Maybe there’s a trusted priest you could hash this out with? Perhaps the seminary you’re entering could put you in touch with someone to guide you. I’m quite certain you’re not the first man who has left a woman behind to enter the seminary, and someone who’s walked this path would be the best person to advise you.

Good luck.


#8

[quote="CatholicGuy22, post:1, topic:236413"]
Hello,

I need some advise on how to deal with a very painful subject. Im set to enter the seminary next fall and have been practicing intentional celibacy since i felt the call. But there has been some girl who i really like show interest in me. She did not know my desires for the priesthood so we got really close. We were never a couple but i felt we came close. Well anyway now she knows my desires for the priesthood and has been avoiding me like the plauge since then. I feel terrible! Its almost like i told i was a serial killer or something. Is she handling this well? I really liked this girl but i knew nothing was ever going to happen but i did grow really attached to her and now the possibility of another man sweeping off her feet and marrying her is just killing me!!! I need prayers and any advice you may have.

Thanks !

[/quote]

You say you really liked her, but knew nothing was ever going to happen. Still, you allowed yourself to grow really attached to her. And what about her, did she grow really attached to you? If she did, she must feel in pain herself.


#9

I had a similar experience to yours. I had to break up with a girl that I had been dating for eight months to pursue a vocation to the priesthood. When I told my ex of my choice, she did not take it well at all. In my last conversation with her, she did nothing but express anger at me for my choice, and took the opportunity to also attack a few of my flaws. It saddened me, because even when we weren't dating she was probably the best friend that I ever had, so I didn't like losing her. Those of us who go into the seminary to discern must all make great sacrifices. Not everyone will like your choice. As others have pointed out, she herself may have developed feelings for you, so she may be upset. However, people can come around eventually. Odile53 gave a beautiful example of such a case. For now, I'd leave it be. Your friend has made her choice. Extend the offer of friendship somewhere down the line, but don't force it.

In particular, if the idea of her being with someone else bothers you, then you should spend some time away from her. You have an attachment to her, and continuing to be close to her will not help that go away. You can't let yourself still feel this way if you intend on being celibate. Take this to prayer, and perhaps your spiritual director at seminary if this still bothers you at the start of the semester.

By the way, congratulations on getting accepted into the seminary!


#10

You need to keep in mind, and I struggle with this too (except that I’m a girl discerning religious life) that you are not a priest yet. Honestly, I think you need to let this settle a little while, then ask her to talk and just be upfront with her. If these feelings were mutual, she might feel like she was decieved and that the closeness was false. Be upfront with her. Tell her that you care for her deeply and that you want nothing but happiness from her. And if you can, pray with her about being open and about following God’s plan. Tell her to keep in mind that you are not leaving her. There is this gentlemen friend of mine who I love dearly and who made me confused like this (he’s discerning the priesthood as well and I’m discerning sisterhood) and I am honestly not afraid of being apart from him, even though he is moving several states away and I am moving far out of my hometown too for college next fall, and that I could be cloistered. I know we are together in the Eucharist. If we are all the body of Christ, Jesus is there where I am and where he is, and he is there worshipping along with me. And we are together in the Rosary as Mary’s children, both sharing in the devotion and love for the Holy Mother. You are not leaving this girl. Be upfront, pray, and still remain open to God’s call and love. I will pray for you, brother!

-Jeanne


#11

[quote="CatholicGuy22, post:1, topic:236413"]
Hello,

I need some advise on how to deal with a very painful subject. Im set to enter the seminary next fall and have been practicing intentional celibacy since i felt the call. But there has been some girl who i really like show interest in me. She did not know my desires for the priesthood so we got really close. We were never a couple but i felt we came close. Well anyway now she knows my desires for the priesthood and has been avoiding me like the plauge since then. I feel terrible! Its almost like i told i was a serial killer or something. Is she handling this well? I really liked this girl but i knew nothing was ever going to happen but i did grow really attached to her and now the possibility of another man sweeping off her feet and marrying her is just killing me!!! I need prayers and any advice you may have.

Thanks !

[/quote]


#12

I have to ask did you know your desires for the priesthood when you got really close if so maybe you should have said something before becoming so close go ahead and enter the seminary because there is a time for discernment and if you are truly called God will give you the grace to let her go and let her be free to have her own vocation even if that means marrying someone else.As for your question yes she is handlingit very well because she is allowing you space so that you can be free to figure out things on your own


#13

The funny thing with this situation was that during the time we were getting close, i did not know i was going to be accepted into the seminary! My diocese was really taking their time telling me so i was in a way keeping my options open by getting kind of close to her! And now i regret doing this because now i got to deal with pain of letting her go. So i did bring this upon my self. I agree with what one of you guys said, I am being a selfish because i do not know what she must be going through :eek: I should've told her i was considering the priesthood but in my weakness i did not tell her. I have been praying for her and i do hope she gets a great man but my human nature still doesnt allow me to let go. i am man of weakness so please pray for me!!! However since i have been notified that i have been accepted, I really dont have this problem anymore. So like i said im just dealing with cleaning up the mess i left behind.


#14

[quote="PattiDay, post:8, topic:236413"]
You say you really liked her, but knew nothing was ever going to happen. Still, you allowed yourself to grow really attached to her. And what about her, did she grow really attached to you? If she did, she must feel in pain herself.

[/quote]

Well she aproached me first and we started getting really friendly. We acted like friends and as that friendship grew, it started getting serious almost to the point where we were going to be a couple. In my human weakness i allowed this to happen and yes this is why i feel bad. I dont want to hurt her feelings and especially cause her to lose her faith.


#15

[quote="thequeen, post:12, topic:236413"]
I have to ask did you know your desires for the priesthood when you got really close if so maybe you should have said something before becoming so close go ahead and enter the seminary because there is a time for discernment and if you are truly called God will give you the grace to let her go and let her be free to have her own vocation even if that means marrying someone else.As for your question yes she is handlingit very well because she is allowing you space so that you can be free to figure out things on your own

[/quote]

I guess my fear is that I hurt her feelings and that she is very mad at me. And the what scares me more is that i couldve hurt her faith in the church. I did all this before i was accepted so in a way i was keeping my options open and yes i do regret it doing that. I never really thought of that! Yes it is probely true that she is just giving me my space to figure things out. I just hope she is ok


#16

well I am ancient but don’t think the rules have changed that much, if I had been seeing somebody who let me know, especially long after all his other friends were told, that he was entering the seminary I too would avoid him, and the more I was attracted to him or the closer I had thought our friendship to be, the more distance I would feel obligated to put between us.

guys entering the seminary should be past girl trouble, or working to get there

glad you are practicing celibacy since if you got married before then it would present a problem.

If you mean you recently decided to be chaste and continent that also is a good and necessary thing.

you have of course taken all of this to your spiritual director.


#17

[quote="puzzleannie, post:16, topic:236413"]
well I am ancient but don't think the rules have changed that much, if I had been seeing somebody who let me know, especially long after all his other friends were told, that he was entering the seminary I too would avoid him, and the more I was attracted to him or the closer I had thought our friendship to be, the more distance I would feel obligated to put between us.

guys entering the seminary should be past girl trouble, or working to get there

glad you are practicing celibacy since if you got married before then it would present a problem.

If you mean you recently decided to be chaste and continent that also is a good and necessary thing.

[/quote]

Thanks for the advice but at the time i got close to her I was not a seminarian! I was still waiting for an answer to my application. This problem will never go away! Many priest go through this there whole life, of course they will never let it get out of control like i did but Girls are still an issue.


#18

[quote="CatholicGuy22, post:17, topic:236413"]
Thanks for the advice but at the time i got close to her I was not a seminarian! I was still waiting for an answer to my application. This problem will never go away! Many priest go through this there whole life, of course they will never let it get out of control like i did but Girls are still an issue.

[/quote]

Keep in mind that this is natural. You are a young man, and young men are attracted to and have feelings for girls! I was told that if you live a life of celibacy (chasity for me) that the attractions to the opposite sex do not go away. It's kind of like chocolate, may people love chocolate and want to have it all the time, but they can't, and they just have to keep themselves in check. But you are renouncing something sweet for something you know is sweeter for you! (I hope I'm making sense, I've been known not to) God bless, you are in my prayers

-Jeanne


#19

[quote="CatholicGuy22, post:1, topic:236413"]
Hello,

I need some advise on how to deal with a very painful subject. Im set to enter the seminary next fall and have been practicing intentional celibacy since i felt the call. But there has been some girl who i really like show interest in me. She did not know my desires for the priesthood so we got really close. We were never a couple but i felt we came close. Well anyway now she knows my desires for the priesthood and has been avoiding me like the plauge since then. I feel terrible! Its almost like i told i was a serial killer or something. Is she handling this well? I really liked this girl but i knew nothing was ever going to happen but i did grow really attached to her and now the possibility of another man sweeping off her feet and marrying her is just killing me!!! I need prayers and any advice you may have.

Thanks !

[/quote]

You must make decision: girl or God.
What you pick the right element, than you are without problem.
I think that she do good ting to avoid you.
She does not want to stand God on His way.


#20

Girl and God may not be mutually exclusive. Some are called to marriage, seminarians even. Ultimately, it’s up to CatholicGuy to discern that.


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