Girl wants to be friends before courting


#1

So there is this girl. She says that she wants to hang out as friends, because she's not ready for courting, and she doesn't believe in casual dating. How do I approach this? I want to respect her wishes, but I also don't want to be wasting my time. What say you, wise people of CAF?


#2

[quote="ThereIsThisGirl, post:1, topic:208891"]
I want to respect her wishes, but I also don't want to be wasting my time.

[/quote]

Sounds like you are interested in a smart girl. She doesn't want to waste her time getting involved with someone who doesn't see the value of friendship or who doesn't want to take the time to get to know her as a person before before pursuing a relationship.


#3

[quote="dulcissima, post:2, topic:208891"]
Sounds like you are interested in a smart girl. She doesn't want to waste her time getting involved with someone who doesn't see the value of friendship or who doesn't want to take the time to get to know her as a person before before pursuing a relationship.

[/quote]

This. And I'm not quite sure OP what you mean by "wasting your time." How is getting to know anyone a waste of time? Either you find out there is something more to pursue with this girl or you gain a friend. I don't quite get how either outcome could be a waste of your time. Plus its going to force you to slow down a bit and get to know yourself as well. Its a win/win situation.


#4

You are not ready for ANY relationship PERIOD. Recognize that right now. All relationships start at a beginning, that beginning must be friendship, otherwise, it has no rock base, it is built on sand.
Maybe you should focus on your prayer life instead of relationships.


#5

[quote="dulcissima, post:2, topic:208891"]
Sounds like you are interested in a smart girl. She doesn't want to waste her time getting involved with someone who doesn't see the value of friendship or who doesn't want to take the time to get to know her as a person before before pursuing a relationship.

[/quote]

[quote="PatriceA, post:3, topic:208891"]
This. And I'm not quite sure OP what you mean by "wasting your time." How is getting to know anyone a waste of time? Either you find out there is something more to pursue with this girl or you gain a friend. I don't quite get how either outcome could be a waste of your time. Plus its going to force you to slow down a bit and get to know yourself as well. Its a win/win situation.

[/quote]

Thank you for the replies. Perhaps I should clarify. I want to know whether she's interested only in friendship or perhaps something more down the line. This will dictate how much energy/emotions to invest. Hope that makes sense. That said, I do agree with what both of you said.

[quote="FirstCalled, post:4, topic:208891"]
You are not ready for ANY relationship PERIOD. Recognize that right now. All relationships start at a beginning, that beginning must be friendship, otherwise, it has no rock base, it is built on sand.
Maybe you should focus on your prayer life instead of relationships.

[/quote]

Yikes! That's a little harsh.


#6

[quote="ThereIsThisGirl, post:5, topic:208891"]
Thank you for the replies. Perhaps I should clarify. I want to know whether she's interested only in friendship or perhaps something more down the line. This will dictate how much energy/emotions to invest. Hope that makes sense. That said, I do agree with what both of you said.

[/quote]

Since she didn't say that she only sees you as a friend, I would think that it sounds like there is some room for things to develop down the road. Her overall game plan sounds very sensible.


#7

[quote="ThereIsThisGirl, post:5, topic:208891"]
Thank you for the replies. Perhaps I should clarify. I want to know whether she's interested only in friendship or perhaps something more down the line. This will dictate how much energy/emotions to invest. Hope that makes sense. That said, I do agree with what both of you said.

Yikes! That's a little harsh.

[/quote]

So you're saying you would hold back and not put in 100% of yourself into getting to know a girl if you weren't assured of the outcome you wanted? I don't understand that. There are no guarantees when you even date someone. You have to give it your best shot or don't even try. That's not fair to her, or to you. At least she was upfront with you and told you how she feels about dating and courting. Maybe you should be just as honest and tell her everything you've told us.

Perhaps you aren't ready for a relationship.


#8

I've been friends with her off and on for almost a year, if that makes sense. I don't understand why it's OK for women to ask where a relationship is going, but when a guy asks a similar question, it's a huge no-no, and suddenly I'm not ready for a relationship.


#9

How old are you?

How old is the girl?


#10

[quote="ThereIsThisGirl, post:8, topic:208891"]
I've been friends with her off and on for almost a year, if that makes sense. I don't understand why it's OK for women to ask where a relationship is going, but when a guy asks a similar question, it's a huge no-no, and suddenly I'm not ready for a relationship.

[/quote]

Because, for most men, the question means "when are we going to have sex?" For most women it means "Are we going to get married?"

I think you mean the second, but people (especially women) tend to hear the first...

Just be friends and see what goes down. At first make all your hangouts as groups, then go on hikes, bikerides, etc. just the two of you and see if she wants to take it further. And do not expect that you will be her only male friend through this. And do not make her your only female friend, that would be unwise on your part.

FSC


#11

I think the “waste of time” aspect of your OP is what rang some alarm bells for some people.

Basically, either you like her for herself, and enjoy spending time with her, find her conversation interesting, and so forth, or you don’t. If you do, then any time spent with her isn’t wasted, because a friendship is a valuable relationship to build. Even if it never turns into a romantic relationship, you will end up having a good friend, so there is no question of a waste of time.

And anyone, male or female, who asks “Where is this relationship going” before it’s a romantic relationship, is jumping the gun. She didn’t rule out the possibility of a future romantic relationship. But a lot of times, the only difference between friends and boyfriend/girlfriend is relating to physical contact. If she has decided that she wants friendship before romance, and romance before “making out” or whatever, she is a wise person.

If you feel that she is only worth spending time with if there is the probability of a future romantic and/or physical relationship, then she is right to delay that. It’s too easy for relationships to go too far, too fast, so starting out slow is a good decision.

I think that there is certainly not enough information here to say that “you are not ready for a relationship,” and I wouldn’t/don’t say that. Also, possibly what you said came across wrong. But I would be a bit wary myself, of someone who was only willing to be my friend if he could also be my boyfriend. You quite possibly didn’t mean that, but it came across a bit that way.

–Jen


#12

Courting? What is this, Victorian England? If she's not interested in you and wants to be "just friends", then ditch this girl. Once you're in the friend zone, you'll never get any from her.


#13

Hmm. My guess is that perhaps you’re not (yet) Catholic? This is very true if you take a secular position, in which a guy “ditches” the girl when it becomes apparent that she’s not going to sleep with him. Please note that this is a Catholic site, where the notion of “courting” still exists. In this context, it merely means, to the best of my understanding, that you are exclusive and discerning marriage (but NOT sleeping together). If someone is not ready for courting, the only option left is to be friends with the other person or not see each other at all. This girl does not believe in casual dating. Furthermore, she didn’t say that she wanted to be “just friends.” What I understood it to mean is that she wants to be friends first, and then if there’s spark, then there will be sparks. I don’t know how to explain it better, but perhaps someone else can give it a try. Besides, a lot of women don’t feel comfortable jumping right into a relationship and want to be friends and get to know each other first.

Peace.


#14

I'm taking the "keeping it real" position. What do you even want out her if not marriage? You know you want to sleep with her.


#15

[quote="Tide210, post:14, topic:208891"]
I'm taking the "keeping it real" position. What do you even want out her if not marriage? You know you want to sleep with her.

[/quote]

Wow, that's really offensive.


#16

[quote="Tide210, post:14, topic:208891"]
I'm taking the "keeping it real" position. What do you even want out her if not marriage? You know you want to sleep with her.

[/quote]

Err, I'm really scratching my head on this one. I admit that I'm attracted to her, but that doesn't automatically mean that I want to sleep with her. You do realize that as Catholics we're not supposed to engage in premarital sex, right?

Honestly, I can see how you could reach this conclusion from a purely secular point of view, but like I said before, please keep in mind that this is a Catholic site, where Catholic teachings are meant to be followed.

Peace.


#17

[quote="ThereIsThisGirl, post:1, topic:208891"]
So there is this girl. She says that she wants to hang out as friends, because she's not ready for courting, and she doesn't believe in casual dating. How do I approach this? I want to respect her wishes, but I also don't want to be wasting my time. What say you, wise people of CAF?

[/quote]

I'm going to go against the grain a little bit here. It is often observed that many men frequently callously use women. That's no secret: it happens all the time. And it's no wonder some women will be a bit wary. Or even have their opinions completely clouded by this fact.

Nevertheless, I would say that probably just as often, women callously use men. For example, a common situation is that a woman wants something other than romance from a man whom she knows wants romance from her. Now I'm not talking about fornicating, and I'm glad that you seem committed to following the rules of the Catholic Faith which surely bind you in this matter. Still, a woman may know that a given man is interested in her, and she is not interested in him (for romance), but has some other plan for him: to leech off of emotionally, to emotionally abuse/torture, to take money and free stuff from, etc. So such a woman will string a man along, letting him think that she has some interest, but all the time she's just pleasing herself with whatever her game is. It's just like when lowlife men use women sexually and feign emotional interest in them. Two sides of the same coin.

Now, this girl may be one whom you can take at face value. But don't forget that she's a human being, which means more often than not you cannot take her at face value. Sorry, but it's called "sin", buddy. Anyway, hope for the best but prepare for the worst. In other words, my free advice (worth every penny you paid) is that if you really do like her enough to consider marrying her, give her a chance... but be careful. We men like to pretend that we don't have feelings but we do, so make sure that you protect yours. If it starts seeming like she's playing you, pray about it and if nothing changes move on.


#18

It would help to know roughly how old you both are, how you know each other (work, school, etc.), and if she is also a faithful Catholic (as far as you know).

From what you have said so far, why not just take her comment at face value? There really is nothing wrong with being friends and you should each get to know many others. If you find yourselves growing closer to each other than your relationship will progress on solid ground. On the other hand, either of you may find yourselves drawn to someone else for dating and marriage. That is a good outcome too.


#19

Since you seemingly don’t want to reveal your age let me ask you this.

Do you consider yourself to be an adult man yet?


#20

Let me tekk you something. There is this woman, you see, and the day I met her I could tell that there is was something special about her. Did I want to court her? Absolutely. She is my dearest friend. I cannot imagine my life without having known her. We have never dated, and due to other circumstances, probably never will. The moral of the story is this: friendship is NEVER a waste of time or emotional investment. Be her friend. If things develop beyond friendship, thean good. If not, you still have a friend. Do not look at her as simply a potential mate, but as a person deserving of your time and commitment as a friend.


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